By staff writer Xavier Holland

Since all of Gaudio's financial difficulties have left him seemingly no closer to calling, browsing and pushing buttons on a human Blackberry (keep up now), I suppose the onus falls on me to explore the dark side of dating. Or the light side if you happen to be the person in the relationship who bears the greater resemblance to Vader. Either way, there are pitfalls.

Here are some tips to be thoughtful of if you plan on making homemade Black ‘n White cookies. Or having a little salsa on your white rice, or spilling a some homemade coconut milk on her burka. Or any one of a number of other kind-of offensive euphemisms for interracial dating. Let's go, brothas and misses.

Dress to Impress Not Offend

I know it can be tempting to throw on your very flyest hip-hop gear if you are but a naive Caucasian venturing into the dense jungle that is the Black social gathering. Fight that urge, however, and dress however feels natural. If it so happens that wearing your fitted cap and XXXXL tee is what feels natural, then you are lying to yourself. Take that shirt/dress off, put on a fitted polo shirt, and bend the brim of that cap. Nobody likes a white guy with an identity crisis.

Unless you believe in Black Jesus, leave the long white tee at home.

That being said, it can help to find a happy medium. If it's a summer day in L.A., and your devoutly Muslim gal pal is sweating it out in an outfit that looks like it was designed by a Grand Wizard, it's a bit insensitive of you to break out the short shorts. Invest in some jeans, and encourage her to look into Versace's new line of two-piece, breathable burkas (tagline: “Just because your entire body is covered, doesn't mean that you can't look like a whore”). On the flip side, if you're a Brazilian beauty and find even the skimpiest of thongs restricting, and your Canadian hunk is covered from boot to toe in what looks like squirrel-skin then, encourage him to– never mind, don't encourage him to do anything. Break up with him, and email me at [email protected].

Be Open To Cultural Awkward and Embarrassing Experiences

The fact that white guys can't dance has been beaten into the ground like, well, a nonwhite guy. But did you know that lots of other races struggle with leisure activities? Southeast Asians often struggle with finger-painting. Latinos frankly suck at macramé. Persian clubgoers often have a hard time not wearing 45 pounds of gold jewelry.

It's important, however, that the partner with greater ability in these activities not only encourages their boyfriend or girlfriend to partake with them, but forces him or her to. Because what fun is being a good basketball player if your 5'1” white girlfriend won’t stand still while you try to dunk on her? Tears dry, YouTube videos are forever.

The key is not to make your challenged mate feel worse about their social handicaps than they already do. I find that gentle encouragement works well. If you're in the passenger seat while your Asian gal pal mans the wheel, try saying helpful things like, “You can do it sweetie,” “No, no, that mailbox DID sneak up on you,” and “Sure dogs can re-grow legs. Kind of like starfish.” Combine one of these with a friendly pat on the head and you've got the key to interracial harmony.

Be Wary of Sexual (Legal) Complications

Sometimes, two people can see a sexual situation very differently. One person might swear that their partner gave them the penetration nod, and the other, stupid annoying tease can say that she just had something in her eye. I understand—when you're 6'3” and black and famed for your Raspberry-Rophynol Milkshakes, these situations can happen.

It's especially important in interracial relationships. You might want to steer clear of introducing your new black boyfriend to bondage. And as sexy as it can be, playing a sexy game of “drug mule” (just to see what will fit in there) with your recently immigrated Columbian girlfriend might be met with something other than enthusiastic squeals.

If you must indulge your Mandingo rape fantasy (I'm looking at you, Gaudio), be sure to have a foolproof safeword. I find that nothing slows down the sexy train quicker than the word “creditors.” If you're dealing with a black man who can sustain an erection after hearing that dirty word, well, you should break it down and explain it to him as “those people who keep calling you for payments on that HDTV you have sitting on those milk crates.”

Learn Pretend to Speak Their Language

Learning a new language can be hard. It's much easier to learn a few select phrases that can be used at ANY time. One of my personal favorites is “makaka-bj ba ako dito?” which is Tagalog for “how is this going to get me oral sex?” It didn't work out with my phine philly phrom the Philippines, but if it did, rest assured that chestnut would have been dusted off many a time. Which hopefully would have led to other nuts being dusted off, but I'm beginning to digress.

If the language gap is too big for sexual come-ons, body language tends to be unequivocal. If I want the German girl I'm dating to know that I want sex, I just point to my erection, to her crotch, then to the loaded gun I keep in a chest by the bedside. If she's ever complained about this system of communication, I wouldn't know, because I'm far too fucking busy to learn German. Ich bin ein handjob missy, and quick.

(Never, Ever) Listen to My Advice

Honestly, if you've taken anything of importance from these tips, then you should probably leave West Virginia.

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