By staff writer Et Nola

Ah, May. It's that glorious time of year when the once faint smell of freedom looms just outside our dorms and the mysterious aroma of a semester’s worth of assorted food products and “lost” dirty laundry remains before our very noses. (Is that mildew? No? Oh, well what the hell?) Welcome, once again, to finals. As you are reading this, there is a good chance [read: absolute certainty] that you are neglecting some work/studying/sleeping/Xbox/girlfriend. Since your time is valuable [read: dispensable], allow me to offer some encouragement into the trials of finals and the enigma that is “the summer.”

First, as you embark upon this time-honored and academically-required season known as finals, remember the millions who have done so before you…

-know that they all sucked it up and wrote that 15-page research paper on how Sanskrit is making a comeback in a “really big way,”

-know that they only turned it in “early” because they never read the email about the week extension,

-know that everyone back then also had six “impossible” finals, each back to back for seven-hour blocks scheduled in one weekend during monsoon season while meteors fell from the heavens…and that no one else cared that they did (just like no one cares that you do),

Know that the odds of living to tell the story of your stats final slightly outweigh the odds of surviving free rock diving.

-know that millions before you succeeded while numerous slackers failed,

-know that many of those failures rose again from the academic deceased (much like Jesus, if you’re Christian—zombies, if you’re not),

-know that your older brother/sister who graduated has already been through this and is laughing at you (yet dying inside),

-and know that they all were better than you’ll ever be—and maybe you should give up now….

Just kidding. C’mon, you’re amazing. Unique. Something more than just a student ID number. See there? Inspiration, thy name is sarcasm.

Honestly, if the impending stench of failure isn’t motivation enough to wear a cup and endure the “Cram-athon” that is finals prep, you’re going to need to look forward to some other things…like unemployment, or new seasons of Chappelle’s Show and The Family Guy. In the meantime, sell your books—I’m sure you’ll be willing to endure the loss. Be sure to use your textbook re-sale dough to finance your alcohol poisoning at the End-of-Year Quarter Beer Night. You wouldn't want to let the six bucks you received in exchange for $400 worth of texts go unused. And since you wasted a semester of classes, ending the year wasted just shows your commitment to consistency. Once the binging concludes, you can look forward to getting the hell away from anything resembling education—you’re going home. But wait, have you made summer plans yet?

You may be thinking the following (but if not, be quiet so that the rest of the class can ask questions):

“Is there hope if I don’t already have summer plans?”
“Should I have already confirmed them?”
“Are slackers like me ever going to be taken seriously if we keep this up?”
“Will the Republican nominee played by Alan Alda win the presidency?”

Yes, yes, (sadly) yes, and hell if I know (but am I the only one thoroughly satisfied with the West Wing season finale?).

Let’s get serious for a moment. Okay. Now that we’re done with that, back to the matters at hand. If you haven’t confirmed summer plans, what the hell are you waiting for? Seriously, now. Get your ass in gear! Confirm, confirm, confirm! But if you haven’t even begun, oh well. Don’t sweat it. You’ve probably been here before, and you know the routine:

-Your parents will suggest something like finding a job or internship.
-You’ll mention that all of the good ones were taken in January.
-They’ll ask why you didn’t apply then.
-You’ll say you had a hard first semester and needed a break.
-They’ll bring up something about how your older brother/sister didn’t have these kinds of problems and how millions of other students have done this before you.
-You’ll have one-on-ones with your therapists all summer long with group on Fridays….

Happens to all of us. Actually, just to you. Good luck with that. I’ll be spending the summer abroad studying Sanskrit. I hear it’s coming back in a really big way.