By Court Sullivan

Lately, our economy has been plagued by the need for more consumer spending. Specifically, the need for pretend spending: credit card spending. The problem is, credit card companies have been lacking a fresh way to hyperextend credit to those who push the limit. It’s like in Monopoly when you start buying hotels for all your properties, but eventually hotels get old and you want new reasons to spend money. Like maybe a adding a penthouse to all your hotels.

This is the problem credit card companies have faced: the current line of precious metal credit cards is just not enough anymore. Consumers want new reasons to spend!

When credit card companies first joined with the precious metal industry, the hierarchal pairings of credit limits and periodic elements were natural: platinum cards led the pack, followed by gold, silver, and plastic. But what about now? Consumers need a fresh metal to open their wallets with pride.

As with any profitable industry, credit card companies have expanded, but as with most established scientific laws of nature, the periodic table has only marginally expanded to accommodate man's innate desire to screw with nature. Science simply has not created any exciting new elements or popularized any old ones to lend to Visa for new lines of credit.

While the credit card companies are eager to add new lines of credit topping platinum status, the best new elements America's scientists can come up with are unstable isotopes like Americium and Californium, which, despite their patriotic and West Coast appeal, can only exist for three nanoseconds in the inner layer of Earth's mantle before decomposing into highly radioactive material. And even then only with a qualified geologist present to maintain proper lab conditions—hardly elements that inspire consumer confidence in the ability to “live beyond one's means.” Because after all, nobody even lives in the Earth's mantle yet.

And while the sky's the limit when it comes to credit, it doesn't make for a very marketable Mastercard background.

So what have Visa and Mastercard and the scientists done? They've gone to NASA and the tennis and golf club manufacturers and found out that titanium is the hottest new thing around! Titanium is better than platinum! It's so light, you'll never even know “what's in your wallet!” But you'll be able to spend, spend, spend! As much as NASA and the country clubbers with your new titanium credit card!


And now that titanium is going mainstream, recording artists will soon be achieving titanium status, rappers will be sporting titanium jewelry, Olympic medalists will be going for the titanium, credit cards will be manufactured out of silver, and plastic won't even be worth recycling anymore. Scientists even plan on moving titanium to a more high-profile box on the periodic table.

So congratulations titanium, after years of waiting, you’ve beaten out 57 metals and seven metalloids to rise to the top of the American economy. You've made your way from sporting events and space stations to helping people pretend like they can live the American Dream!

What are YOU waiting for? Don't let a little debt weigh you down! Go for the titanium and spend, spend, spend! Do it for the economy! Do it for science! Do it so you'll never have to recycle again!