Bar Rescue
The show Bar Rescue is about Jon Taffer, a man who rescues bars. Just as one might throw a life preserver to a drowning person or administer adrenaline to someone experiencing anaphylactic shock, Jon Taffer will enter a bar that has bugs in its liquor bottles and tell them to cut their menu down to just a handful of items. He will also tell people things like “You must serve your customers alcohol in exchange for money” and “Fire employees who steal from you.” The people he tells these things to are almost always shocked to hear them. In a universe full of bars, is Jon Taffer God?
Bar Rescue Rescue
Have you been in quarantine for three months watching Bar Rescue? Has your hair become greasy and cynical? Is the only thing that brings you delight anymore reclaiming your birdfeeder for hands-free peanut butter consumption? Then Bar Rescue Rescue, the show where producers rescue people who have watched too much Bar Rescue, is for you. A strange woman in an ethereal cloak will come to your home, switch off your television, and glare at you until you renounce the wicked name of Jon Taffer. You shudder to appease her.
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The woman who seeks to steal the joys of Bar Rescue from helpless individuals in quarantine is an evil witch who must be destroyed. You are the only one who can undertake such a quest. It’s dangerous to go alone; take this [abbreviated bar food menu].
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You’ve been in quarantine too long, and you must be rescued from this rabbit hole of your own creation. Huh, Rabbit Hole would be a pretty good name for a bar.
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What does it mean to rescue a bar? What does it say about our country that in a land so defined by capitalism, the rescue itself must be commodified, sponsored, packaged and sold to consumers as its own TV show? Are there no bar rescuers who traverse this Earth rescuing bars out of selfless compassion? Is it not true what the Torah says: “When one rescues a bar, one rescues one’s own self?”
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Talmudic scholars debate the translation of “bar” in the abovementioned Torah passage. Rabbi Yisrael Meir Rabinowitz argues passionately that the word must be translated as ‘restaurant,' opening the floodgates of an argument devoted to the concept of a menu and its role in both bars and restaurants. Rabbi Yitzak Hillel suddenly delivers a fiery condemnation of tipping. The meeting erupts into a riot.
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The year is 2094. Scientists discover the cryogenically preserved body of Jon Taffer and thaw him out. Jon Taffer opens his eyes and takes in the scene before him. “You have too many scientists in here,” he says. “It’s not an efficient use of your resources.” He dies shortly thereafter. Massive rounds of layoffs soon follow.
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What is a bar? What is a rescue? Will quarantine ever end?
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Bars achieve singularity. The universe collapses in on itself. Jon Taffer’s atoms expand and contract; they are flung to the furthest corners of the empty galaxy. All bar stools are given backs for the comfort of older customers. Tipping is encouraged.