What idiotic woman (wait, all women are idiots, so that's irrelevant…whatever) decided that women should have the right to education and jobs? We had it good, sitting on our asses all day, popping out the occasional kid, and maintaining absolute silence in the kitchen so as not to be beaten. And then the feminists screwed it all up.

Instead of sitting at home all day ignoring the pleas of our children for food and love, we're now expected to get an education and a job.

1. Feminists are Overwhelmingly Ugly

Hooters girls standing by a feminist with a signWho are these feminists, anyway? My guess is they started out as the collective group of all the women in the world who couldn't use their looks to get what they wanted, and were jealous of those who could. Because really, if all you have to do is pout to have your every whim satisfied (or to get smacked so hard you forget what you wanted, whichever), why would you want a job?

Or maybe they just didn't make very good sandwiches and were tired of being beaten. Either way, totally their own fault.

2. Feminists Aren't Necessarily Female

The second possibility is that feminists are actually men. Why? Because women can't think.

Maybe men just realized we were abusing the system to be lazy and decided to find a way to make us work. Posing as women kept us from getting mad at them, and kept the sandwiches coming. Perfectly logical, which makes sense, as women didn't come up with it. My point is, women aren't smart enough to come up with social movements on their own. This would also explain why feminists tend to have hairy legs.

3. Feminists Demand Rights They Know are Wrong

Car crashed into posts in a parking lot
If she'd been in the kitchen this wouldn't have happened.

Feminists went on to make ridiculous demands for women's "rights." Like driving.

Seriously? I think the utter failure at basic driving abilities on the part of women speaks for itself here. Hell, we can't even park without causing a four-car accident. Why on Earth would you allow us access to highways? Besides, women don't need to drive because they can walk to the laundry room from the kitchen, and that way they won't get fat.

4. Feminists are Power Hungry

Feminists also started saying women should be strong and independent. They wanted us to have positions of power in the world.

Really? You know perfectly well we're barely mentally sound on a good day and that when we're PMSing, nothing we say, think, or do is rational. Why intentionally upset this fragile balance by giving us important responsibilities? Let's be realistic: we can handle laundry and not much else. All a female president would do is paint the White House pink and nuke the world the minute that time of the month rolled around. The only decisions we should be making are about which kind of bread would make the sandwich scream "beat me" less. Somebody should've fed these women the world's most powerful dark chocolate bar and waited for them to forget about the world.

5. Feminists Object to Objectification

Another thing feminists like to bitch about is the objectification of women. Please, objectifying women is awesome. Why? Because objects don't have to do jack shit. They sit around all day looking pretty, and that's all. Also, as I've already said, women can't think, so we're essentially just pretty vegetables, and there's nothing wrong with forcing produce to conform to ridiculous societal standards of beauty. Seriously. No one buys rotten mangoes. (Except maybe an exceptionally dimwitted and about-to-be-beaten woman.)

Yes, I just related women and mangoes. Logical? Of course not. I'm a woman.

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