1. Frequently alternate between standing and sitting
    • You’re never not moving/thinking/innovating.
  2. Answer a phone call in another language
    • Bonjour. Hola. Como estas. You are a global citizen, so you’ll communicate as such. And while you’re at it, use exclusively military time.
  3. Remember that you’re interviewing them as much as they’re interviewing you
    • “What did you have for breakfast?” “How fast does your car go?” “What did your grandma look like?” Even questions as simple as these can put your interviewer at ease and let them know you’re capable of “active listening.”
  4. Intermittently mention “The Kremlin”
    • Smart people discuss this often.
  5. Ask if the building is pre-war
    • If they say it’s not, ask if they’re sure.
  6. Make clear you won’t be cleaning up after yourself in the office kitchen
    • They’re not hiring you to be a janitor. Unless they are, in which case DO NOT SAY THIS.
  7. When they ask you for questions, make statements
    • If I were to design the most powerful situation you could be in during any interview, it would involve leaving the interviewer with no idea what they’re supposed to say next. Keep the upper hand.
  8. Flip a coin multiple times during the interview to make decisions
    • Showing your comfort—your command, even—of possibilities beyond your control sends a powerful message. Heads you list a reference, tails you eat a $100 bill; heads you take the job, tails you release a swarm of bees into the office.
  9. “Mistakenly” refer to the interviewer as “barkeep”
    • If they don’t see you as a threat, congrats on another few weeks at home on your couch. Sorry!—I don’t make the rules.
  10. Bring a pot for making stew
    • Do I really have to explain this?
  11. Never be afraid to flip the table, but don’t force it, either
    • If your LinkedIn network is anything like mine, you’re going to see a lot of people saying you might as well not bother showing up if you’re not ready to flip the table. Well, I’d say wait for the perfect opportunity. When the interviewer sneezes, etc.
  12. Ring a bell
    • Endorphin activator. Works every time.
  13. Demand to use the bathroom
    • Make something happen.
  14. Don’t give a “weakness,” give a weakness
    • Don’t cop out with some I’m-a-perfectionist “weakness” that’s actually a strength. I’ve had a lot of success with: “I fundamentally do not care about other people,” “I make stew at my desk,” and “Rash Syndrome.”
  15. Make sure you have a memorable catchphrase
    • Be creative—but remember, this beauty is already taken: “Kasper? I couldn’t run my company without‘er! (him)”
  16. Any time a public figure is mentioned, say you’re “not sure about their worldview” but they “make some really good points”
    • Pit Bull, etc.
  17. Any time a respected figure in the field you’re interviewing for is mentioned, say they’re a “hack”
    • Gandhi, etc.
  18. Use archaic language
    • “Wend” “swink” “nigh” “athwart” … You know who’s “accessible” and “easy to communicate with?” Fucking everybody.
  19. Refer often to your “buddies”
    • “My buddies at NASDAQ,” “My buddies at the Kremlin,” “My buddies at Party City”—the specifics DO NOT matter, it’s about strength in numbers.
  20. Leave a gift
    • Snow globe, corncob pipe, watercolor set… this isn’t rocket science, people!