Logging on to Facebook is like tuning into Maury: the entertainment is horrible, and most of the people set themselves up nicely for ridicule. But somewhere in this sea of awful, there is something intangible about the Facebook newsfeed that keeps us coming back and checking for updates.
By this point in our social networking assimilation, many of us are well-trained hawks of the feed. And in our years of scrolling, we may have begun to notice how unbelievably predictable and mundane each of our newsfeeds has become. It's as if all of our newsfeeds are converging into one giant mirror of current events, an unending archive of typical personal milestones, and it's exponentially approaching the asymptote of expected pop culture reaction.
To justify my claims by example, and to show you just what I'm getting at, I have included the following cases (along with my harsh and condescending insight).
1. The Two Coffee Morning
We're constantly wondering how amazing your boyfriend/girlfriend is. And we'd like to be reminded every day how fulfilling your relationship is.Oh wow, you're so tired that you're gonna need TWO COFFEES to get through the day. However, you're alert enough to capture and upload a photo of your two cups of joe and post a picture of these dueling solo disposables to Facebook. Usually with the caption, "One of those mornings." Or the ever-so-original, "Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays."
2. The Gift Card Hoax
Do you honestly think that you're going to get a rebate or $50 gift card just by "liking" something on Facebook? You'll probably get your hard drive compromised, but you're not getting discount treatment at any place you would like to tell your friends you enjoy patronizing. You're doubly stupid for letting advertisers take advantage of you as well.
3. The Ever-So-Bustling ‘Ville
Farmville, Cityville, whatever. Remember when SimCity was fun? Remember how you would actually show or tell a friend about it in person or over the phone? Spamming someone's newsfeed is an ultra-convenient way to inconvenience just about anyone else.
4. Advice That's Been Given More Than Twice
Please remind us of that Bible verse. Please tell us how you don't realize what you have until it's gone. Please continue to provide us with conventional wisdom that we could never Google on our own.
5. Constant Inconsequential Relationship Updates
We're constantly wondering just how amazing your boyfriend/girlfriend is. And, if I may speak for all of us, we'd like to be reminded every day how fulfilling your relationship is with him/her.
The contrarian Facebook expert would most likely say, "Well why don't you just block those people who annoy you, or not log on to Facebook altogether?"
It's not that simple, my friend.
Like I wrote earlier, Facebook is like Maury Povich: it's awful… but somehow entertaining. It's like an addictive drug, except the long-term effect is that it will make you lamer. It's as inexplicable as it is phenomenal. And this is why Mark Zuckerberg has more money than we have photos we're tagged in.
Anyway, aside from the aside…
6. Death in the Family
I'm sorry for your loss, but Facebook is not a place to be self-aggrandizing and grieving at the same time. Where should you dedicate a tribute to a lost loved one? Oh… I don't know… maybe a funeral.
7. Happy Birthday to Someone Other Than Yourself (On Your Own Wall)
They have a wall, or even better, a phone number. Wish them happy birthday personally. Unless your grandpa really is that cool (he isn't), then why don't you go over and visit him before he dies and then post about that too.
8. Your Political Views
I could write a book about this peeve. But I'll stick to attacking only the predictable vein for now. You friend someone on Facebook (or they friend you), and within weeks you find out their political affiliation (without the aid of "About" page snooping). Then, like clockwork, if they're Republican, they're appalled by everything the Democrats are doing and how this country is going down the shitter; and if they're Democrat, then they're up in arms about what the Republicans are doing and how this country won't help the people who are going down the shitter.
9. Your Religious Views
What are the three things you aren't supposed to discuss amongst friends again? Oh right, all of those people you added aren't actually your "real friends." Wait. What?
10. How Awesome Your Alma-Mater Is
All we really want to see is some self-deprecation in this department. If you're too pretentious to do that, then don't bother posting about how proud you are to be a Wildcat, Spartan, Trojan, Cardinal, or whatever hell kind of animal, contraceptive-branded warrior, or mythical god you claim to represent. This isn't the 1950's; a great majority of us went to college, and we don't need to flood our feeds with similar allegiances to slightly different schools.
11. The "Love Symbol" and "The Duck Face"
I believe <3 should stand for less than 3, but not equal to. Or perhaps a heart if you look at it sideways and you're a pre-teen. If the latter is the view for women older than 14, then it's time for fathers across the country to sit down with their daughters and give them a talk about how being an idiot may someday grant unwanted pregnancy.
12. The John Doe Letter
This post always begins Dear ____, and then goes into a 3-4 sentence rant. It's usually a rant about a first-world problem (a coffee barista being too jovial, someone grunting too loudly at the gym, or someone who isn't exactly displaying keen fashion sense in October), and the only thing it accomplishes is showing everyone that you are currently miserable and/or seeking attention. If you want positive attention from intelligent people, don't follow a popular Facebook template.
13. Obscure/Out-of-Context Song Lyrics
You just posted two fucking lines of verse that rhyme with each other and that were published by someone else. You're so creative and insightful.
14. And Lastly… Trolling
This is something that should've never left mom's basement. From Reddit, to Quickmeme, and now Facebook, this symbol of creepy awkwardness has gone viral and somehow entered our popular lexicon. It wasn't funny at first, it isn't funny now, and it has always been dumb and disturbing.
Each of these typical cyber behaviors can make you want to bring your palm to your forehead ‘til the point you can no longer detect irony or eat solid foods. It can make you think less of the world, and even less of our future. But I have to admit, amidst all of these criticisms and snarky complaints, I do have one praise: please keep posting puppy pictures… because no one can bitch about a puppy.