Thinking of buying a truck? Let me tell you bud, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Here are some questions I wish someone would’ve asked me before I took the pickup plunge.

Do you really need all that extra space?

Everyone knows that unique feeling of extreme terror when you’re trying, and failing, to stuff a 12-foot-tall giant Halloween skeleton into a four-door sedan. But the truth is, outside of transporting 12-foot-tall giant Halloween skeletons, you probably won’t need the truck as much as you think you will. Count every non-skeleton related time you’ve actually needed a truck in the last year. If it’s less than the number of lumbar vertebrae in a typical human spine (five), you don’t need a truck.

Are you prepared to give up your weekends to help people move?

While you might not need all that extra space, know that every acquaintance, neighbor, and random guy you went to magic camp with will be asking for help moving to a new place or transporting a deceptively heavy mattress every weekend for the rest of your life.

Do you have an occupation or hobby that justifies owning a truck?

Have you decided to start a farm that specializes in growing extra-large eggplants? Or maybe you’ve started a side business that sells extra-long canoes? Maybe you’ve always wanted to murder a pedestrian? Consider if your desire to own a truck is more about practicality, status, compensating for something you’re insecure about, or an insatiable blood lust.

Will a truck solve all of your problems?

Trucks are a lot like Candy Corn Oreos. Many years ago, I impulsively purchased Candy Corn Oreos from the discount section at the grocery store. Deep down, I knew the Candy Corn Oreos were a soulless abomination, but I foolishly convinced myself that having them would make everything better. Buying a truck was no different. Take it from me: don’t get caught up in the false promise that a truck (or Candy Corn Oreos) will make all your troubles go away.

Are you prepared for the financial burden?

If skyrocketing gas prices alone aren’t enough to deter you, consider other consequences for spending a third of your income on your truck every month. For example, with no extra cash on hand, I had to resort to giving out those IOU coupon books as gifts. Trust me when I say this is a slippery slope. At a certain point, you’ll begin to see your loved ones and friends as obligations. I gave my mom so many “Good for One (1) Ride to the Salon” coupons that I had to stop talking to her altogether. And don’t get me started on “Good for One (1) Pedestrian Murder of Your Choice” coupons.

Are you prepared for the time commitment?

If you barely have time for Duolingo, consider if you’ll have time to install headlights that are bright enough to dissolve the skin off any person within 500 yards, or modify your truck so it generates more particulate matter than a coal-fired power plant, or wade through thousands of options for bumper stickers before you land on one that says “I’d Rather Be Runnin’ Over a Pedestrian.”

Do you really REALLY need all that extra space?

Say the same thing you should say when you walk by all the unsold, deeply discounted Candy Corn Oreos: No.

Do you want to wear a neck brace every day for the rest of your life?

You should know that trucks can be just as dangerous to drivers as they are to pedestrians. One time, I forgot to unfurl the little ladder that came with my truck and I fell 6 feet straight to the ground. Now I have to wear a neck brace 24/7 and my wife filed for divorce because she couldn’t stand to be seen with me.

Does the size of your car really matter?

Years ago, when I blacked out from a Candy Corn Oreo induced sugar high and woke up in a roadside motel—candy corn frosting in my hair and the taste of cigarettes in my mouth—I called my best friend Bill and asked for a ride home. When he showed up and helped me dust the Oreo crumbs off my face, shirt, and knees, you better believe I didn’t care one bit about the size of his sensible sedan. I realized that day that the size of the driver’s heart matters more than the size of their car.

Do you want to buy my used truck instead?

If you insist on buying a truck, consider buying from me. I’ll give you a good deal because I need to unload this thing quickly. I think I’ve honored one too many of those pedestrian murder coupons.