Welcome to The Sabermetric Mommy Blog, where you can find empirical, statistically-grounded child-rearing analysis. As a mother, I’m constantly pulled between two poles: my equal and unconditional love for all three of my children, and my undying passion for objective evaluation.

To this end, I’ve developed a ranking system based on my children’s “Achievements” (ACH) and “Demerits” (DMR), ultimately reducing their performance into a simple number: Progeny Plus-Minus (PPM).

Read on for this month’s updated power rankings.

OVERVIEW

Molly (age 2*):

Even with the adjusted “terrible two” handicap in place, Molly’s PPM still came out well below replacement level (0.5).

Achievements:

  • Pronounced the letter “r.”
  • From a standing position, stood on her tiptoes and declared: “I jumped.”
  • Sat through church on Sunday without crying.

Demerits:

  • Despite (apparently) eating her lunch at preschool, Molly refused dinner every day last week which, on Thursday, caused me to look her in the eye and say, “If you choose to live on stale bread and water like a medieval prisoner, you should expect the Dark Age punishments that go with it!”
  • Stole her father’s car keys. After failing to eat them, dropped them in the flower patch outside the house.

*The “terrible two” handicap stipulates that DMR, connected to temper tantrums, refusing to get in the car, refusing to get out of the car, sitting on the floor in the supermarket and screaming when you touch her, stealing my lip balm, and crying when it’s taken, have been adjusted (multiplied by 0.5).

Arnold (age 5):

Arnold struggled this month. He fell both in the rankings and in overall PPM, for the first time dipping below replacement level.

Achievements:

  • Helped his father find his car keys.

Demerits:

  • Despite a strong first five months in kindergarten, Arnold started off the New Year by bringing home his class goldfish, Frank, for us to look after, and promptly urinating in the fishbowl.*
  • Joined Molly’s hunger strike. Rather than eating his dinner, he chanted “pizza, pizza, pizza…” 2,271 times at the dinner table until his voice gave out.

* Click on the Progeny Prison Projection System (PPPS) for updates on Arnold’s probability of one day spending time in prison.

Matthew (Age 13**):

Matthew kept his 73-month streak below replacement level alive, so no surprises here.

Achievements:

  • Breathing, eating, sleeping.

Demerits:

  • Refused to help his father find his car keys.
  • Asked our pastor, “If you love Jesus so much, why don’t you marry him?”*
  • Instead of joining his siblings’ dinnertime antics, Matthew locked himself in his room after school every day, and subsisted on Doritos and his vape pen.**

*This question did give Matthew a minor positive bump in his academic score

** Matthew doesn’t realize my scouting department gave me a tip-off about the vape pen two months ago. My husband and I are waiting for a high-leverage situation before we act.

Frank

Frank the goldfish has kept his lifetime replacement level streak alive.

Achievements:

  • Survived “The Incident,” so we could continue to feed him all month.

Demerits:

  • Survived “The Incident,” so we could continue to feed him all month.

Power Rankings:

1. Frank (PPM 0.5)
T-4. Molly (PPM -3.77)
T-4. Arnold (PPM -3.77)
T-4. Matthew (PPM -3.77)

Analysis:

With all three children tied in fourth behind Frank the goldfish, it might be time for an organizational shake-up. Don’t be surprised if the Sabermetric Mommy ends up cleaning house and returning next month with a fresh crop of talent from the orphanage farm system.

In the meantime, I’ll repeat my mantra: “Small sample size, small sample size, small sample size.”