Friends, shareholders: thank you so much for attending this historic groundbreaking. According to our board, it has been deemed appropriate that we begin today’s proceedings with a land acknowledgment. We only have a few minutes before the champagne arrives, so let’s get this over with.

We acknowledge that we are gathered on the traditional, ancestral, and unceded territory of an Indigenous peoples whose name has not been provided in time for this speech. This is for the best: it is perhaps too controversial to directly invoke the name of any specific Nation, especially considering the protests just outside.

We’ve tried to make it easy to avoid those cumbersome demonstrations with our soundproofed wall of historic woven blankets. Additionally, please enjoy the original motion picture soundtrack of Disney’s Pocahantas to help drown out any noise. Hell, feel free to singalong!

Similar to the roots of families born here long ago by Indigenous peoples, our noble drills will create a lasting bond with the land. Your former land, specifically. A dignified embrace of metal and terrain. Surely we can find common ground in appreciating a bond with nature? If the Earth didn’t want us to extract these inaccessible resources buried miles beneath the ground, why would it be there to begin with?

We too find nature to be a fruitful provider. Funny, looks like we’re not so different after all.

We humbly recognize the man-made earthquakes caused by our actions. The sacred sites disrupted by these tremors are deeply regrettable but we are looking into a collaboration with Subway® to open a dignified location over the irrevocably damaged area, with a free footlong on your first visit for anyone grieving the loss of irreplaceable cultural landmarks.

We respectfully invite all impacted communities to Eat Fresh™.

Additionally, it is only right that we thank local communities for allowing us to strip the land of vegetation. We’re sure the displaced wildlife will find new homes, providing useful data as we track migration patterns to foster future development sites. That’s a W! No need to worry about those pesky weeds anymore, especially from the over-compacted soil of now-infertile land.

We’ve seen sinkholes actually turn into tourist attractions, bringing crowds and revenue to the region. So, in a way: you’re welcome.

We recognize today how important the local water source is, which is why we’re going to keep carcinogens out as best we can. No promises though, just being realistic. We’ve gotten somewhat better at this. We’re still trying, OK? Cut us some slack. Every day is a school day.

Of course we realize the dangers of chemical leaks from abandoned wells, but this will likely become a problem long after we’ve left town, with a new name under corporate consolidation. This is a problem for “tomorrow you.” Try living in the moment for once. Mindfulness and presence are so important these days.

For example, our C-suite takes team-building retreats in Aspen. You should try that sometime. Kick back and relax. Let your grandchildren take one for the team. What have those ungrateful, unborn future punks done for you lately? We’re the ones that gave you all free coffee and donuts this morning. We’re the ones providing jobs. Temporarily, of course.

We thank you for not dwelling on tomorrow’s concerns such as birth defects or declining property rates. We also thank you for not reading the fine print of our development too closely. Think of it like this: your taxes will one day go to the cleanup cost. In a way, you’ll be pitching in with a helping hand! Does that do anything for you?

We certainly recognize the ongoing injustices faced by Indigenous communities but our CEO realized we would be passing up a golden opportunity before a competitor stepped in. You’d do the same, surely.

Just try walking a mile in my Kenneth Coles.

Please forgive us the methane leaks streaming into the great powerful sky, or something like that. That sounds respectful, right? What do you want from me? Listen, based on our privately-funded research, asthma is already prevalent in the region so we wouldn’t really be changing too much around here anyway.

We hope this symbolic gesture is as nourishing as the crops you may have once grown. We salute your important contributions and… I don’t know, I’m honestly just going off the cuff here. I tried, though. Can you give me credit for that? I really tried. Our board has stopped calling informal meetings “powwows,” isn’t that enough?

I actually once wanted to watch an episode of Reservation Dogs but accidentally ended up watching the 2007 romcom No Reservations. Which, by the way, I highly recommend.

We commit to learning from our occasionally-checked public email inbox, once we clear some space to make room for new messages.

Thank you for your time. Now please join us in the next room for a celebration barbecue of smoked bald eagle chorizo.