20 Ways to Please Your Man

The highly-authoritative manual for male stimulation.

>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
May 1, 2005

I'm a journalist. At least, that's what my $30,000 bill from Northeastern keeps informing me. So I've decided to stretch out to other mediums with my writing talents. (And by writing talents, I mean getting real shitfaced and passing out on my keyboard, throwing in a bevy of profanities, and pretending I get laid a lot, which I do. Or do I? Sigh.)

Anyway, I've been pitching columns to magazines for several months now, including ESPN, National Geographic (Justin beats the Bushmen at Madden 2005, on newsstands in August!), and now, Cosmo. That's right kids, from the author of "Why Women Shouldn't Vote and Should Get Back in the Kitchen," I will soon be a regular Cosmo columnist. I'm not joking. I've already filled out my W2s and ish (I really don't know what "ish" is: I saw it in some hot chick's profile, if someone could explain it to me, I'd be eternally grateful). Anyway, my new column is entitled "The J Spot" (this is not a joke, so stop asking) and for my first column, they asked me to come up with 20 ways women could please their man. As someone who's experience with pleasure is limited to leftover Chinese and lubricant, it was a tough assignment, but I'm a rugged journalist. So here, to my brave audience (pretty much just Terri Schaivo), my first Cosmo column.

The J Spot
20 Ways to Please Your Man
By JD Rebello

1. Long walks to the pornography store.

2. Wear a football jersey, particularly of a not-so-famous player (i.e. NOT Brett Favre, Tom Brady, Peyton Vagina...errr, Manning). I saw a girl in my class with a Tedy Bruschi jersey and I literally started crying.

3. Sandwiches cut diagonal.

4. When ordering food at a restaurant, keep your order to 1000 words or less. We don't need: "Just give me a salad, with sprouts, mayonnaise sprouts. Are those fat free? What exactly is a sprout? No chicken, but ham and gorgonzola. Is Gorgonzola fat free? Can I order it ham-free? Is gorgonzola free? Not financially, fat-wise?" Enough is enough.

5. Cry during "Rudy" or "Field of Dreams." Oh, and better still, don't bring up the fact that we're crying. May as well take a sledgehammer to our stepchildren.

6. Yes, we need a beer. We always need a beer.

7. Should you wear a skirt or pants? Umm, would you rather have Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? I think the answer is obvious.

8. And while we're on fashion, lose the Ugg Boots in the summer. I'm sorry, are you scaling Everest with some fat, anorexic, OC-obsessed Sherpa? No? Put some regular shoes on, bitch.

9. The game will be over when we say it's over.

10. And when the game IS over, listen to our drawn out explanations of what happened. Study up on 3-4 formations, steroid allegations, Sheffield's sexuality, etc. We listen to you and your "feelings."

11. Stop bitching to me about when Vegas Diaries Part 2 is getting written. It'll get written when I get a minute.

12. Don't make fun of our fantasy baseball team. It's the biggest emotional investment we'll make all year.

13. Don't even think about dragging us to "Fever Pitch" or "Monster in Law" or "House of D" or pretty much anything that could have been written by Jane Tampax.

14. Speaking of entertainment, if what we're watching involves a wedding, it really isn't necessary to comment on her dress. That goes for awards shows, concerts, etc. You don't hear me saying, "My that Johnny Damon has excellent batting gloves. Those really are beautiful batting gloves."

15. Yes, we think Brad Pitt is an excellent actor. No, we don't think he's handsome.

16. Blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.

17. If we say something sexist, don't accuse us of being sexist. Just trust us, we know what's for your own good. Now make yourself useful and iron this.

18. When all else fails, show a little crack.

19. Don't expect 20 when we can only deliver 19. Probably the most sage advice you'll ever receive from a male.

See you on the pink pages!




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I dunno but I think your mailbox is gonna fill up with feminist death threats pretty soon.

I think I'll help to fill it up with an idiot comment first:
"Is this <i>really</i> going in Cosmo?!">

eat 40 dicks you bigot!

i am so fucking confused...ok so i know that cosmo actually did have an article called 20 ways to please ur man, but it was all different stuff

but are u really working for cosmo now??
wtf...

to: katie the yankee fan

NEWS FLASH
yankees suck

<b>and nobody likes you</b>

kristin u r retarded

that's so cool you're working for cosmo??! yay oh my god.

(sarcasm should be noted)

It still baffles me how you don't have a girlfriend .

who said he doesnt have a gf? and what the hell did you expect the article to say? THATS WHAT MEN LIKE! get over it. it was definitely not gonna say "give us flowers and take us to a girly movie to make you happy because thats what makes us happy" some women are just too defensive and think they're always being attacked.

he probably does have a gf and he takes thm to girly movies all the time he just doesnt want to admit it. oh and i cant cook so how about u make me a fucking sandwich with somemore of ur bullshit on it asshole! if a girlfriend gives u a bowjob u better give her a good licking also because the germs on ur penis dont smell or taste good probably the lack of showers! go get a life and stop bullshitting ur self.

making a sandwich isn't fucking cooking... It's just that, MAKING a sandwich. Just FYI!

uugggnnnnhhhhhh!!! *snort* mwaaaa

dale i am NOT retarted im just blonde...
im still really confused although i have figured out that u probably dont REALLY work for cosmo...

Yeah Justin is really good at pleasing his man.. trust me ladies.

to quote dave chapell... "women are getting too much advice for women who don't know what the **** they're talking about. there are not 100 ways to please your man, at the most there are 4, just suck his di*k, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich and dont talk so much and they're gonna be happy!... male audience stands up claps and cheers" WOMEN SHOULD STOP GIVING ADVICE ON HOW TO PLEASE A MAN, THEY DONT KNOW WHAT MEN WANT! READ THIS ARTICLE IT'S WRITTEN BY A MAN, WE DONT NEED THE SWEET TALK AND FLOWERS! LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT MEN FOR A CHANGE AND DEAL WITH WHAT WE LIKE OR JUST STAY SINGLE AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR CATS!

have fun being single bitch. cause no one will suck ur dick with that attitude not even a man XD

Umm Kristen...I think every issue of Cosmo has an article titled "20 ways to please your man" ...I'm just surprised this one didn't mention playing with his balls. Hey, maybe that could be #20?

im a women and i agree with this for the most part all men want in life is a beer and to see something naked! and then another beer!

If chicks didn't have tits, I wouldn't even speak to them

it was a funny article. u were just makin fun of urself...good job at it.

i feel like im being ganged up on...u people suck

ok not really, but watever im bored shitless and i dont want to go to class

and shanna u spelled my name wrong...wtf

woah pyschadelic

ish=shit.
for example: "i hate this ish"="i hate this shit"
don't ask me why people don't just say that, but maybe it's like jessica simpson's substitution of "gah" for "god."

i would never buy a magazine if a butt fuck like you has a column about 20 ways a woman can please her man. no woman is looking for a man like you. dogs have saved lives/ i doubt men have done that whacking off/ fantasy baseball- wow that is on the same level of world importance as buying shoes - and wow, you never talk about who won what and who hit a ball with a bat- but that matters in my fucking life! or anyone elses - including yours!!/ and don't worry, i wouldn't take you to <b></b>any<b></b> movie / if you can't cut you own sandwiches you are retarted. need a beer to deal with your shit? i need 10 yager bombs just reading your bullshit! brad pitt is hot/ but you never focus on some hot bitch in play boy- since your such a non-sexist son of a bitch. maybe you should learn how to lick some pussy and maybe you'd get a blow jobl. but if you can't even cut a sandwich or iron your clothes, i doubt you could figure that out.

no man is looking for a bitchy whore like you, im gonna tell you that right now. and if you dont care about what your men likes and cares about like oh i dont know... BASEBALL? what makes you think he will care about YOU and want to be with you. you're just another low self esteem whore who needs man to "accept her for what she is" (someone that doesn't want to do anything for her man yet wants him to treat her good and be sweet to her). How about doing something for your man and putting some effort on making him happy? then again, you probably dont have a man. You should go watch the preview for the movie "THE UGLY TRUTH" it comes out in april 2009, maybe you'll learn how to get a man.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion for all you know that woman may have low self esteem issues and you just pushed her over the edge. I think that this could be interpreted as two things a guy having a joke at the typical male steryotype or a horrible sleazy guy who actually means all the things he's saying in this article I hope for his sake it's the first or he really will have trouble in his life. Clearly this woman has interpreted it as the latter and is voicing the offense it caused her albeit with a lack of pinache. Play nice next time as you never know when the favour will be returned.

Screw Everyone, that article rocked!

Have we really forgetten that Justin, like many others in his feild, is not actually like this? The dude's funny, and if you dumbasses really get offended so easily, maybe you should stop reading his shit. (And before I get powerbobmed with hate mail, I happen to be female, and no, I was not offended.) That was funny stuff Justin, keep it up!

Uh, Powerbombed* It's three thirty in the morning, I can't spell this late at night. ;)

after reading your column, i realized that i am the perfect woman.

What the? Blow jobs come in the list at number 16?! I'm sorry, but do you have a penis?

5 ways to please a woman
1. Stop complaining about how small your dick is, and yes we've had bigger and it DOES matter
2. Keep on licking, I don't care if you DO get lockjaw
3. don't say shit about our girly movies, we saw you cry and we aren't afraid of telling your friends what a little bitch you are
4. Shut the fuck up, I honestly don't give a shit about your little football game
5. If we stop having sex with you, don't complain about our low libido. Don't worry, our libido is fine. We just prefer to take care of that elsewhere while you buy us expensive gifts and contract the genital warts we caught from Pierre while studying abroad last semester.

uuuhhh someone is insecure and got hurt huh? i guess you dont like the fact and cant handle the fact that this is what men like. well... maybe if you would be able to handle it you could understand it, take the advice and get at leats a couple of men to even be able to HANDLE YOU.

"Oh my god. The author is a sexist! blah blah blah blah blah"

Great stuff. I'm trying to read through alot of it so I thought I should post now before I soil mysel...oh. there it is!

this is about as funny as reruns of Small Wonder and Who's the Boss--you're a meathead who will either end up with a silly automoton as a girlfriend or spend the rest of your life jacking off--which Im sure you've mastered

or maybe he will get one of the girls that agree with this article as a gf and you will end up taking care of sylvester and garfield.

You sound just like my ex husband... yes he was the typical asshole who ended up abusing me. You should get your head out of your damn ass and actually learn what you want before you start spewing shit all over the net.

oh no... don't meet that one guy he says he likes "fantasy baseball, skirts, sanwiches and blowjobs!" that is just horrible abuse, you should wait for one that doesn't like those things, that way you will be able to marry a uumm HOMO! :)

1. He Does know what he wants and he even put it in a nice, easy to read list.

2. Now I see why the man you mentioned is your EX-husband. I'd turn tail too, cause if you're like that to a stranger I'd Hate to see you behind closed doors...

3. "Officer, this man abuses me! He wants sandwiches cut diagonally and he even wants BLOWJOBS! He's such a typical, arrogant man!"

So just out of curiousity... what is #20....??? ;-) where did it go??!

Read #19

This is GREAT!!! I loved it. Do you have more?Help a girl out. You're on POINT. :+

HOLY SHIT

Someone actually published something your dumb ass wrote?

You are the very fuckin reason why men have a bad rep you egotistical fucken dumb shit... and i think your sexiest ass cant be working 4 cosmo... they wouldnt publish SHIT (and yes what u wrote IS SHIT)

DUMB ASS

hmm at least you signed with the name everyone calls you. thanks for your comment Mr. Dumb ass.

hmm... Either your spelling sucks or you complimented the writer by saying he has the sexiest bottom... Either way, you sound retarded for going off on a COMEDY article that's on a site with many articles just like it.

You suck. shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself.

he doesnt have to, he has women for that ;)

i wonder if equality extends to punching a retarded feminist over the internet...err, if it were possible.

you do realize you must have emotional issues also if she offended by being a feminist. haha if you dumb ass guys dont like us "bitches" complaining and telling you what to do you can always find another sexist pig like yourselves to fuck up the ass. thanks.

funny as hell. if cosmo were actually this funny, i'd buy it

MAN SOME FKED UP SON OF A BITCH U R take an advice about a real person instead of makin up some fantasy for some poor gurl! U FKED UP JERK man get a life k? kido, respect woman. after all, if it weren;t for the woman, u won;t b here will ya sunny boy

yes you're right, because his mom is asexual and without the use of a man just laid and egg and he came out of it. are you retarded? he was born thanks to his mother and his FATHER. and at some point im sure they had SEX (oh no i said sex, i hope you feminists arent offended now).

You're an asshole and men like you should not exist. There is a difference between humor and tastelessness. This is the latter.

Your a sexist pig that needs to be shot like all the toher sexist pigs out there. line 'em up boys! ready! aim! FIRE!

YEAH! lets just kill all the men that like sex! oh wait but then how would we umm REPRODUCE?

hey i like a good sandwich and beer but what doethat have to do with reproduction blowjobs dont help reproduction either what are ur parents teaching u

Sorry, but no boys/men would shoot at the author for this article. One, these things would please Every man in existence (give or take few, depending on the individual). Two, this is a COMEDY article on a site with lots of articles like it. Three, you are an idiot.

VERY FUNNY YES YOU ARE SEXIST BUT MOST MEN ARE BUT YOU TOOK THE PISS OUT OF IT WELL WRITTEN YOU ARE GOING TO GET PEOPLE FOR AND AGAINST IT AS IT IS ONE OF THOSE STORIES I FOUND IT FUNNY AND REALLY RIPPED THE PISS OUT OF MEN ( A MARRIED WOMAN FOR 8 YEARS )

Caps lock IS cruise control for cool, but you still have to steer.

I thought it was hilaious. Ans ish means shit.

<b>LEARN TO IRON YOUR OWN THINGS AND GET YOUR OWN BEER YOU SEXIST JERK!! LEARN RESPECT FOR WEMEN WE ARE NOT HERE TO SERVE YOU!!!</b>

http://www.ehow.com/how_2094401_submit-husband.html?ref=fuel&utm_source=...

well... the bible says you are and ok lady, ok, maybe you're not and you're atheist but i feel bad for any man that dates you if any of them ever makes the mistake of staying with you.

wow way to bring the bible into this. im pretty sure there is absolutely no part of the chistian bible that states we must serve men. but nice try. maybe your mother should have taught you some manners. shame on her.

Here is a heterosexual male being asked to write what pleases him and men like him. Ask any man to be completely honest with you and they will probaly tell you that they agree with what he says. I think what this shit is funny, and love what he wrote. I Love my husband very much and we have been together for 13 yrs. Sometimes ladies you have to choose your battles, and who really wears Boots in the summer. Come on!! :)

13 YEARS! THATS EXACLY MY POINT!!! THANK YOU! This is what men like, what did they expect? "we love ironing and doing laudry and doing dishes for our wives?" get real people will you? take this woman as an example. 13 years and she knows how to keep her man happy!

guess what im with a man that does the cleaning and laundry and ironing. maybe you idiots should take a lesson. and guess what because he is not anything like you idiots he gets me wherever whenever however. oh and head on the regular. you people are so stupid.

I'm not a feminist, but dude.. I was quite offended and I wouldn't be suprised if Justin never gets laid again after that shit. I don't get all these chicks that are siding with him either, I don't think half of them realise that they've just been shat all over. Guys may have their list of complaints of what girls do/don't do that annoys them, but girls have a list too... I think men (AND women) need to get over this bizarre 'you-do-for-me' attitude and just enjoy each other's company. Besides, why should you get any rewards unless you've earnt them?

No one got shat over, they guy simply said what he and every man likes and wants (wether you like it or not) theres no reason at all to be offended if you are secure enough about yourself. and yes you're right, if men got what they wanted then im sure women would too but believe me, many women out there get what they want without giving anything the man wants and they end up getting divorced after a couple years because he just couldnt handle it or found someone that would give him what he likes. PS. many lists out there saying what women like and they dont get this type of response, women are just too defensive and stop taking everything as an offense, read the article again, this is what men like and want in a woman.

there we go. thats something i agree with

haha, funny shit man.

oh yea, and half the women in this column can't spell anyways. back to the kitchen for you dumb bitches.

:-: Booo!! That was BY FAR the most disgustingly flabbergasting piece of literature I've ever set my eyes on. Do you still go out; or are you taking refuge at your parents??

Absolute SHIT. You sir, are not only a moron, but a pig. I hope you rot in hell, but not before you get a nice big, hard boot in the nuts, if you have any!

You are an imbicle. Did writing this drivel about subjugating women make you feel manly? Did it make you feel *so* much more powerful? Grow up, if possible.

Imbecile. Got some real spelling bee champ feminazis in the house.

You are a jerk of the highest order. Save your breath on the nasty 'comebacks' to this and other replies; you'll need it for your blowup date, since after writing this, that's all you're going to get.

Nice article. Great laugh.

Now on to the all the PC mob. Pick up any publised newspaper and read all the shit about the 20 things that men should do for women and notice that there are no complains of sexism there. Read it and see it for whats intended - a laugh. It's harldy a lonely hearts ad!

Would it hurt women to be interested in football, cos god knows we try to be interested in who your best mate is now going out with... yawn.

Cheers. Ignore all the feminist bitches here. What the fuck are they doing out of the kitchen anyways?

Women never learn.

Are you sure you got a degree in writing? Are you sure it wasn't in...nothing?

<i></i> Dude...im all about pleasing my bf every means possible... but helloo we deserve some respect!

ok im pretty sure hes not completely serious and as for what you have said its easy for me to please my boyfriend i just tell him what he wants to hear, am up for sex anytime, anywhere and we already both love hockey! soo there is some truth to your article. although you are bound to get people pissed at you if you call women bitches. personally i don't care, my boyfriend probably calls me bitch more than my own name, but he is just joking, i call him cunt face, we laugh and everybody is still happy!
P.S. the commet about the uggs made me laugh i fucking hate those things! put some regular shoes on bitch haha ya thats priceless! overall i thought this was just a funny article

Wow..

this is ridiculous, you are a rude and sexiest if i might add! From reading this it seems like we women should be a man's bitch, sorry that will never happen. Men are horny bastards who need to respect women for who they really are.

it will never happen? are you sure? have you heard of BDSM?

You can respect someone while wanting to have sex with them. And I've met many women who were bigger horndogs than any male. Just walk into any adult store and you'll see tons of stuff aimed at women. Men aren't the only ones with libidos..

dudddddee. i found that hilarious. it's so true. i'm a girl and even i hate when girls are like wa wa wa fat free this fat free that...does this make my but look big? god just shut the hell up! thanks for tellin it how it is.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! How did these people find this? Probably the same way I did: Google "How to please a man". Although I was looking for something a little more sexual at the time. Now, why did they read it? It seems to me as though you have a lot of typical 1950's bitches on this site who were hoping for something to keep their men from straying!
I hate chick flicks, love giving blowjobs, get called "bitch" and "woman" all the time, love ice hockey, dress to impress, love fatty foods, don't complain about being overweight (Iget off my fat ass and DO something abut it), I download porn for when himself gets home from work, different lingerie EVERY time, and I wear football jerseys (and nothing else) to bed. And my boyfriend treats me with the utmost respect, never lets me down, is always there for me, and isn't afraid to cry!
Yes, in return he does many things for me ;) but we'll skip that.

Women, get over youselves, don't read it if it is offensive, and it's a free country. You are as entitled to hate it as he is to write it, only guess who gets paid to do what.

Ps I thought it was hilarious!

My God! you sound amazing! your man must be very happy. congrats! i wish you were single.

You were googling "how to please a man"? your husband/bf must live with a smile on his face, he must look like he slept with a hanger in his mouth. Someone that is always thinking of new ways of making her man happy will not lose her man ever. lucky bastard :P.

Holy crap! I agree wholeheartedly with the last two. You couldn't lose a guy with an attitude like that. =-p I'm completely jealous of him already. And she clearly has a great personality to be laughing at this article instead of whining like most...

I completely agree with you. I love satisfing my man, it is alot of fun for both of us. We are constantly trying something new. I love giving him blowjobs(whenever he wants and as many times as he can get it up.), having sex, getting new ligerie, watching porn, chocolate, and I am constantly dressing up for him. I honestly think about sex more often than he does but what the hell i'll give him what ever he wants but i'd like him to get me off in return. =D

useless info!

well that article was as useful as a chocolate kettle. seriously. if i wanted to know wot any dickhead thought about on a day to day basis i would write a fuckin diary cos lets face it, men are way too easily pleased "show a little crack" yea ok wait til i get my university degree first. well i guess some ppl jus get bored

Actually it should be pretty useful. You seem to know good and well that men want those things. You even said "men are way too easily pleased", which is right. We, unlike females, KNOW what we want AND we stick to it.

<b></b> :-: :-: :-: ..okay u sexist son of a gun...get a real job and stop writing these sexist columns about what u think a real relationship is made of...

This is ridiculously rude and offensive

Ok.
First off, if a man loves a woman, he wouldn't need porn.
And I agree with the comment below mine.
You need to take a good long hard look at why your still single.
Oh wait.
You already wrote it all down.
Fucking Sexist Pig.

if you're not single, you will be... any man who is with a woman like you or marries a woman like you is just with you in hope of getting lucky or just getting some sex from you and then he's out. and then they wonder why their man never pops the question. Imagine living your whole life with a woman like you when you could live with a young sexy girl who loves sex and loves pleasing you all the time. yes those girls do exist and i have been with many of them and the choice is obvious. you for a wife? NEVER!

You're right. Men in relationships don't need porn.

But it IS appreciated. And it can be for the woman's pleasure too. (Not all porn is for men.)

wow! ur a dick. i dont give a shit if ur a great writer, i nevr heard of ya. my man aint nothin like u. u sound like al bundy or somethin, "get me a beer".i was just lookin up some advice but i couldnt help but write something.obviously im not the only one. and u can take that unsexist bullshit up ur ass. u treat a hooker like a piece of shit, not the one u love. if i would want to live like that, id move in with a pimp or something.and not all girls like that pussy shit, i love cars and games and me and my man got tons in common.and i can still b sexy.write watevr ignorant shit u think is funny to my email. ill love to read it and laugh, so try me.

your man must be really unhappy and waiting for the right moment to leave you for the girl in the corner that will submit to him and be sexy for him. by the way... blowjobs #16? seriously man? what happened there?

wow. some people need to figure out that this is a humor site, lighten up and realize JD doesn't check this any more.

to all the women bitching.... you are the epitomy of the dumb women he was talking about.
lighten up and get a fucking sense of humor. I thought this was hilarious... oh and to the dumb broad who said "if a man loves you he doesnt need porn" BULLSHIT make your man happy and grab a porn and watch it with him.
Its girls like you that make me want to vomit and ashamed of the femenist movement, shut your mouth and go clean the toilet ahahaha

What can I say? ... Simply brilliant :)

For those of who who dissed my comment and seemed to think that my man would leave me, I'd like to let you know that we are married now and expecting our first baby. Just because I'm a kinky girl and I like to submit to every single one of my now husband's desires, does not mean he is going to run away for another woman. In fact, to suggest that is demeaning to men! Why would he run away if he loves me? And what effect would 6 blowjobs a week have on how he truly feels? Get a grip lads - there are plenty of women out there that are making their men look like "he slept with a hanger in his mouth" and they grow old with the same men.

I'm not sure if you're being serious or not, but they weren't dissing you. Any guy would love to have a woman like you in his life. No sarcasm in that statement at all. You have a very lucky husband.

wow... what a bunch of s'tunc

Devin's picture

first of all, six blow jobs a week would make him feel awesome about six days a week. second, there's definitely a difference between being kinky and being submissive. submissive is just like being there. there's none of the fun really involved, you know what's going to happen. anything he wants.

as for the article. number 19 was the best part. not because it was the end, because it was funny. the article was decent, though i did expect a little more masaginist-ic tips put in there. kind of like ball cradling and demeaning of women.

lol how did some of these women learn to use the internet? this article was great and my girlfriend was in tears laughing so hard. get with the times...it's 09, our president is black and supposedly "Muslim." i think a little "sexist" humor is okay ;]
thanks man!

would love to write a comment but you annoying feminis the respect of doing so.. poeple this is a comedy website it's not meant to be taken to heart it's to get a laugh and guess what i laughed.. i must be going to hell now.. that being said i've read this and yes for the most part it's true this is what a typical guy thinks no he's not goign to admit it to you but it's true.. but if your not ok with that then go eat your butch lesbo girlfriend hairy cunt too cause you probably don't believe girls shoudl have to shave either.

this list is absolutely bullshit, i hate people like this that just spew bullshit, it should say, fuck tom brady AND peyton manning, not just peyton.. fuck

judge me

pretty sure i was the 3 minutes of my life back that i wasted reading this.

pretty sure i was the 3 minutes of my life back that i wasted reading this.

To the Writer: Sandwiches cut diagonally are the best things to ever happen.
to the Feminazis: My girlfriend makes me sandwiches, they are cut diagonally. This makes her better than all of you. Cut a damn sandwich and shut up already.

Cheers for the advice, and a few giggles on the way =)

I do most of them just not the listening about sports... but I don't expect my man to listen to me talking about shopping!!
Have fun all... and stop all the anger! Lighten up.

xoxo

You must date yourself, learn how to lie!

this is the most stupid thing ever. I think it would b best if u just fuck ur self

I'm not too sure but i think that most people would agree with the fact that you are an arse. This article is a clear example of the stupidity of some. Most men don't think this way and that is a relief.

Wonder why you don't have a girlfriend?

Obviously you're a woman. That means you shouldn't act lie you know what men want, cause you don't. I've never heard of a guy that didn't like sirts, blowjobs, or sandwiches that are cut diagonally. And the author never said men shouldn't do things for women. This is things a woman can do for the man (a one way interaction) that make HIM happy. Plus this is a comedy article. Get over it..

you're stupid, fucked up and sexist and I hope really bad things sholuld happen to you.

I laughed so damn hard I was about to cry. You are going to be a DAMN good journalist. And I think Cosmo has been full of crap for years now it is time for a change and these women will get it....finally....I have been married for 12 years now and everything you say is so true. (although you left a few out maybe 5 more ways to please a man) you forgot the most important one...Sexually satify him in any way, shape, and form....I am a 36 year old woman and all these pathetic women writing you hate mail need a virus given to them I hate to say it....Now I am the one going to get the hate mail.....Love Always Sammie

Personnally I thought this article was very well written, hilarious, honest, and he may be a sexist but at least he is good at it. As a women I don't care to do things for my man and I like getting him off, he enjoys it and i do too. Plus I can't speak for anyone but myself but I like getting off too so hello why wouldn't I do the same for him. But everyone is different so if you really want to know how to please your guy just ask him. A little advise don't take things so seriously this is just some guy trying to make people laugh maybe turn their day around. I give this guy a job well done, he made me laugh.

wow! y is evry1 stressing?? hes just putting his point of view across!!!!!!!!!! chillax people!! its just a list. thats it.

oh my bad.. well not evri1! lol

To be honest, I find it quite difficult to take a "journalist" seriously when they can't tell the difference between "who's" and "whose".

hahaha i find these hilarious (:
&& very true, but scary that i agree
because when im watching a football
game and he starts talking i turn up the volume.

disgrace to all journalists everywhere...

I lost the game.

=-O ...I lost the game.... Curse you!

"18. When all else fails, show a little crack."

And cleavage...don't forget the cleavage.

Should be numbers 2 - 10, really (blowjobs, blowjobs, blowjobs being 1 of course).

"18. When all else fails, show a little crack." Really? Crack is attractive? My boy toy told me the other day that my crack was showing and he thought it was hot. I just assumed he was trying to get me to have anal sex with him again or was just being nice so he did not embarrass me - but let me know my crack was showing!

this really did not help. also like whatdoes football have to do with sex. im sorry but it completely man no sence

I am no advocate for sexism, chauvinism, or the like; nor am I a bra-burning feminazi. But I think that was a fucking hilarious article. Pull the sticks out of your asses and enjoy the humor, yeah? This was meant to be FUNNY. He isn't trying to make a statement. He was making fun of Cosmo lists of ways to please your man and all that bullshit. Jesus Christ.

And yeah, I'm a female.

i feel bad for any woman that is his girlfriend

are you sexist or whaat i mean i've heard of fags but you seem to have crossed the line.

Seriously???? It's obvious you haven't grown all the way up, Jr...

I'm a female, and married. My husband loves it when I do stuff for him like this. But don't think he doesn't do stuff for me back ;) It's how a marriage should be...working together as a team. And yes he put some inappropriate language in here, but who cares...freedom of speech. I'm sure all of you people who are calling him a sexist say worse shit about guys.

So my conclusion is...get over it people! and get laid lol

Jesus christ you dumb ass chicks! damn it was a cool list! i enjoyed the fuck out of this! if you don't like it don't read it nobody is forcing you to read this let alone do these things!!!!! don't get your panties in a bunch!!!!!!!! i loved it!
i can gladly say i don't wear uggs i don't drag guys to chick flix, i love watching sports, i am none of these bad things! the only thing not mentioned in this lis that sould have been is a 3some because shit 99.9% of girls are too up tight!
i'm proud to say i'm a girl with a male mentality! (probably spelled that wrong but i'm too high to give a shit!)

So I think this is the most stupidest thing I've ever heard. For one.. Baseball? Really, who keeps track of shifty baseball, it's football now. For two, there are a few percentage o men that are really like this, this is the asshole percentage that is commenting on this, real men don't talk the way you guys have to women. Bitch, really.. Your not a real man if you downsize women, bc without us women, you guys would be literally fucked at life. You may talk like you guys are cool, but no,, obviously you guys don't have important women in your life because you have time to argue on here. Also, that was so hypocritical, most guys don't listen to girls, guys always comment on how hot Megan fox is, we don't want to watch your gay ass war movies. You guys have to understand the fact that men and women are different! Get the fuck of over it. And this article only applies to guys that aren't true MEN

"...bc without us women, you guys would be literally fucked at life..." -- lol!!, don´t think you are better than anyone, it´s the same thing in both ways: w/o us men, you girls would be fucked at life the same way we would be fucked at life w/o girls. I love being with a girl and I love to please em, but that doesn´t mean I would let her make me her servant.

"...most guys don´t listen to girls..." -- lol at this!! bc most girls don´t listen to guys!!.

"...guys always comment on how hot Megan fox is..." --lol at this too!!, girls ALWAYS comment on how hot ARE Brad Bitt, Will Smith, Clive Owen, etc etc etc

"...we don´t want to watch your gay ass war movies..." -- ROFLMAO!! stop complaining, we don´t want to warch your fking boring romantic girly movies!

"...And this article onlyl applies to guys that aren´t true MEN..." -- I can´t stop laughing, only the homos doesn´t like beers, football, skirts and girl-made-bjs.

True men are like this, if you have a bf I feel shame on him, you are subduing him bc you think he is there to serve you, but you are wrong. As long as feminazis keep thinking that men should serve em, the world would be the same shit, cuz no1 is a servant of no1 (women or men).

Men like this do exist, they're just assholes who, for the most part, either end up completely alone, or as wife beaters. Regardless, any DECENT man is not like this :)
And yes, I do have a decent man, and while no, he may not want flowers and girly shit, he respects the fact that I'm an individual too.

And, knowing him, he'd probably be quite offended by this article, because, he's tired of jack-ass men trying to make all men look bad.
btw, I know many men who don't like sports, who do enjoy chick-flicks, and enjoy when their lady tells them sweet things.

And no, they're not gay, just the nice guys ladies are always trying to meet. And yes, they are very popular with women.

If you think this is the correct way to get a girl, and that this is what they want, then why is it that such a famous saying is:

All the good handsome men are jerks, all the nice men are ugly, and all the handsome nice men are gay'?

Face it, women want a decent, nice man.

And have a nice day :)

haha thats definately funny you forgot to add something about guys always being hungry so girls better get in the kitchen and make something....lol....i think your list is funny cause i can take a joke

Hahahahahahahahaha this is somefunny shizz you got here man. I read this with my boy friend and by the end e was smiling like a kid at Christmas and I was laughing my ass off stop beating the guy up for having a killer sensebof humor. I like him. And psttt all you girls that read this cuz you wanna kno how to get a guy happy his advise works show some clevage shut the FUCK up grab TWO beers.

Hmmm.. Where to start and what to say.

First of all I think this article is the funniest shit ever!!

But I can I say I agree with everyone who has posted a comment. Everyone has a reason to why they said what they said, everyone has their own point of view and is entitled to their own opinion.

Some women get offended because of the way he makes women seem. Yes he does seem like a sexist but he wasn't trying to. Lol

And some women think this shit is funny and it might be because of a couple of reason such as they know its the truth or that they have actually shown this to their boyfriend and they laughed about it and admit to it.
Or maybe its just the obvios fact that this is a humor site. Haha.

And most guys find this halarious because as they read through the article they realized that all of it is true.

Some guys would get offended for the same reason that the women get offended for.
But what those people still don't see is that its not something you should taking serious.
Its was only intended for a laugh.

But yes, there are guys like that out there and there are aslo guys that agree to this and still have respect for women.
Its just the different sides to that person.
Take me for example.
I laughed and agreed to pretty much everything on here.
I also don't mind listening to what my girlsfriend has to say. Im not the type that would argue about not listening to each other so that's why Id rather sit and talk about the stuff that needs improving.
I also like it when a girl is sexual and likes to pleasure. That always makes me want to pleasure her back.
I love watching action movies and any type of movie that includes shotting, a mystery, or adventure.
But I also like watching chick flicks with my girl, because im enjoying the time being with her.

People, understand that we're humans and that absolutely no one is perfect.
We were meant to have flaws.
And yes a little porn wouldn't hurt!! Haha!!

Oh, just shut the fuck up, you stuck up bitch-women. It was a satire.

ahahaahahah! Omg this is soooo funny!!!!! As a woman I fully appreciate it!!!!! Wonderfully written sir, and I"m even a feminist, :)

For all of you who think this column makes men look bad..youre wrong. no, everthing written doesnt pertain to all men, but for the most part hes right. men just want a life with no bullshit. if women would just wake up and quit bitching about stupid shit and be happy with what they have then the world would be a happier place. yes, some men treat their women badly, those women just need to stop bitching and leave their sorry asses. yes, i used to be the same way, but my husband taught me that all the bitching and fighting is pointless. when i finally stopped my life became peaceful.

ok... so i figured blowjobs would be number 1 or maybe above sandwiches, at least it would be on my bf's list. As for showing crack, i've seen enough of those girls' flab falling out of too tight jeans. Funny though. I'm pretty sure its at least a little bit sarcastic, making fun of those cosmo articles.

Hahahaha, I don't quite get why some people were getting so worked up about this article. It's just one person's opinion, isn't it? And it does provide us with insight on what a guy might like.

I'm a girl and I enjoyed reading it. It was quite funny, and I'll have to try them on my man. XD

I don't think it's sexist at all and I probably would read Cosmo if it had more articles like this.

your a fukin pig? ye fair enuff i wuldn slag ya'sr baseball team or wha eber. bu your only kiddin ur self doll cos no one wuld employ a fuckin gobshite like you...Ja no wha hahaha ii don tink you ever had a bird cos if ya do its kinda commen sence ya don say shit like tat...so i not gerrin worked up bou eh cos your nun to me and your nun on dis page..your jus some lowlife tat THINKS he no's wha e's talkin bou hahahaha fuckin english men i swear...

wen u actully get off ya fat lazy bolox nd do summa wi ya self & gerra bird...den re-write dis darlin yea...muppa

SHUT the FUCK up you GODDAMN wannabe blackie. And get a Christing education while you are at it.

r u pissed ? u had the beer tht was mentioned in the list ? u mabe diggin at the english yh we nt perfect bt no one is

your and ass hole ....

Hah..this is true.

I'm married and I can't deny any of this.
A guy always has to have his beer, and if you bring up a man tearing up in a movie, well god forbid, "something's in my eye." Or that's what I've always gotten.
Seriously though, for all of you females who have a problem with this, just live with it..men are going to say what they want and you're going to have to live with it. It's not always about you, in case you thought it was.
I like this article :)
If you don't like it, get the fuck over it.

wow, the comments are a bit more entertaining then the article. i don't see how anyone could take this offensive, i'm a chick, but the only difference between me and some offended idiot on this page is that i actually have a sense of reality.
and also a sense of humor.
:) good job, i give you kudos.

i am a man and the list is true
it is as simple as that

you are a fucking ass hole. the game is never over when the guy says it is, wanna break a girls heart. fuck you

haha, i am so glad that my boyfriend doesnt think like you, or i wouldnt have a boyfriend! good luck finding a woman like this, she will totally deserve you :)

you guys are all gay

you think u can honestly find some one hu wld b fine hvin u toss off ova anuva girl, run arnd for u wen u make ur commands (sexist pig). not evry 'man' lyks the games if u want us to stop bitchin bout programs u stop babbling bout the stupid game and tell us we shld listen. girls unlike most men have fashion sense and like mentioning about wedding dresses, u mention about so an so missing a goal wen the cleary cld of gt it in. luckly tho i hav a bf thts nt lyk u :) dnt take offense to owt yano lyk u lads nt bein sexist bt make the comments its abit lyk tht

ok tht was the fucking stupidest article ever!!!

If I were Northeastern, I'd be embarrassed.
If I were Cosmo, I'd fire the HR lady.
If I were you, I'd come up with something more clever to write about.

-Woman with VERY pleased man.

If I were Northeastern, I'd be embarrassed.
If I were Cosmo, I'd fire the HR lady.
If I were you, as a time-waster---err "journalist" I'd come up with some more interesting material.

-life coach, and wife of one very happy man.

*response fueled by venti skinny cinnamon dolce latte with no whip.

I'm an african but guess what I think this article was born out of low self
esteem. I'm an arien and I love sex a lot the guys I've dated and had flings
with for some reason always want to please me in bed and yes they
Take pride in cooking for me but for some reason I've never appreciated them though
I only attract the very romantic guys and no matter how miserable they left ex they
Are always looking for validation when it comes to me. It beAts me cos I'm very quiet but I do know what I want and what I need but reading ur article has made me realize how lucky I've been. It sucks really this article suck and plzzzzzzzzzz note that its called a relationship it involves two different individuals so I'd suggest you quit fooling yourself and please find out what real men really want and not what punk ass scrubs like you think you want. There I was thinking white men are the more romantic ones.
P.s my boyfriend of three weeks just got me a car just bcos and I don't recall ironing or making him a sandwich.

I just read this, toooo freaking funny. Now Iron this Bitch! lmao ....Men!

dumbass. please tell me that writing this bullshit doesn't get you laid, because any girl who does is a traitor to her own kind. if this is the kind of crap you like, so be it, but you can't have your head shoved so far up your ass you can sniff your own pea-sized brain and think that you can't reciprocate. you don't want to hear our feelings? don't be a jerk. it's that simple. oh and if you are really working for Cosmo, I hope all the WOMEN that work for them rip you to fucking shreds. you suck. kaythanksbye.

You must date men with no self esteem.

sounds sexist in a way so far.

#19 should be #3 if this were realistic! ha!

Nice article :)

This is pretty funny :P
I think all the girls on here are taking you too seriously... hahaha

number three is my favorite

lmao hahahahahhaha 2 fuckn funny
u guys r fags wheres ur sense of humor

LOL I'm so glad not all men are as stupid as you are. Otherwise, we're doomed for sure. :)

Sounds like you date pussies.

I'm just an average 17 year old guy, but dude that's wrong. Gain some respect and pride in the most precious creature on earth...sorry ladies for this Ass hole

I'm just an average 17 year old guy, but dude that's wrong. Gain some respect and pride in the most precious creature on earth...sorry ladies for this Ass hole

Wait until you have been in a relationship for more then 3 months kid.

I understand that this was supposed to be funny, but I think it was in poor taste...

And when the game IS over, listen to our drawn out explanations of what happened. Study up on 3-4 formations, steroid allegations, Sheffield's sexuality, etc. We listen to you and your "feelings."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Best one.

And when the game IS over, listen to our drawn out explanations of what happened. Study up on 3-4 formations, steroid allegations, Sheffield's sexuality, etc. We listen to you and your "feelings."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Best one.

How is being disrespectful funny? I will be really praying that the people who find this to be funny, realize how wrong this is, and how wrong there idea of this article is as well. Also, there is a difference people, between a woman being a feminist, and being a woman who just would like a lil' bit of respect. I think some are feminists, obviously... and some would just like a rewrite and apology for lack of respect towards women. I'm sorry but that is just not funny. If I was the author of this article I would not have wrote something so degrading and disrespectful towards women, and I know that also me personally as a woman, I would also definitely not write something disrespectful to men. I don't care what gender, or beliefs you have, human beings in general deserve respect and there is a way to be funny and respectful. Oh and By the way, there is a way to be truthful, without being disrespectful. You guys like blowjobs? Great! I am sure a woman would love to give you one, if you treat her with some respect. Learn that respect is key, and maybe you might get something...unless your dealing with women who do not have self respect, in that case show it anyways...who knows maybe her screwed up mind and low self esteem will flee the scene.

My verdict, whether your aim was to be humorous or serious. This article was crap.

Oh yeah, and P.S. Don't let people post comments if you don't want to hear them, and learn from them.

fuck what yall talkin this shit is funny!!!!!!
and im a woman with a husband!!!!!
lmao

Fuck you too dickwad.