Ten Things I Don't Understand About Black People
The N-word, hip-hop, and other questions fueling the racial divide.
>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
December 11, 2005
But first, a disclaimer...
Listen. I’m not racist. So if you’re looking at the title and thinking, “Oh boy here he goes, get your ALCU handbooks and humorless views on life out, we’re writing a letter,” save it. Yes, I make my fair share of jokes about African-American Human Beings, but the way I see it, how am I any different from those Original Kings of Comedy-type whose entire schtick consists of variations of “White people walk like this...black people walk like this...” jokes? I’m not.
Furthermore, if I’m allowed to say this shit unfettered, it provides yet another aspect of our culture that the two races have in common. Personally, I think of myself as a fucking pioneer. I like black people. I have black friends. I enjoyed Baby Boy. I’ve watched porn involving black people (either that or the lighting was bad). So in conclusion, if you read this column and still think I’m a racist, please don’t read me anymore. It’s that simple. Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself.
And away we go...
1. The N-word.
Let’s talk about it. I know it’s a horrible word, something akin to dropping the C-bomb around a chick. I guess what baffles me is it’s cool for blacks to say it to each other.
Fashizzle my dizzle? C’mon Snoop, in 1993 that talk could get you killed in the LBC. I’m disappointed, black guys, that you let this happen on your watch.To continue my parallel, isn’t this something like one girl saying to the other: “Oh is that Sarah? Is that my cunt Sarah? Cunt, get over here! Damn cunt how you been? It’s been ages.” They don’t. Now fine, you consider it a sign of solidarity and that’s cool. (By the way, I loved being able to write “cunt” that many times and it’s not even all that offensive given the context.) I guess my question is: I know whites shouldn’t say it to blacks, but is it okay if we say it to other whites? Like if I met my white friend Timmy and was like, “Hey nigga, want to go to the Gap? No don’t invite Steve. I hate that nigga. Oh nigga please.” Can I say that without black guys giving me the old stink-eye? I think that should be okay. But I figured I’d get the “it’s all good” from you first.
2. Why are black girls so damned loud?
The reason I ask is I’m afraid the affirmative action people are going to get involved with espionage, and now we got Monique and Shaniqua sneaking into Kim Jong Il’s palace in the middle of the night and suddenly being all, “OH SCHNAP. MOTHERFUCKER I BROKE A MOTHERFUCKING NAIL! SHANIQUA CHECK THIS MOTHERFUCKING SHIT OUT!” I’m just concerned for the welfare of this country.
3. Black guys, do you really like white girls or do you do that just to piss white guys off?
Because, I’ve had this happen where a cute white chick gets with some crazy ghetto black dude. And it pisses me off. Not that I’m against interracial dating, that’s fine. I just wonder, because black girls don’t really like white guys. You have to realize, too, white girls are kind of insane. Seriously, they spend ridiculous amounts of money on The OC DVDs, I don’t think they truly understand the plight of the black man.
4. Are you guys really still mad about slavery?
I mean, geez it was over a hundred years ago. And it’s not like you personally were held slaves. Yeah, slavery sucked but Jews still don’t piss and moan about the Holocaust. Shouldn’t there be a statute of limitations on bitching about something that happened over a century ago and not even directly to you?
Okay don’t look at me like this wasn’t going to get insensitive at some point. Sometimes we have to confront the hard questions here at Casual Misanthropy.
5. Do you guys really like pig’s feet?
Because it looks disgusting. If you like the taste that’s fine, it just baffles me is all. How about cow uterus? Is that any good? Dog pelvis? And what the fuck is a chitling?
6. Do you guys really think D.L. Hughley is funny?
Because I’ve watched a few of his comedy specials, and honestly he’s about as funny as a documentary on child abuse. But I see black guys in the audience just whooping it up.
And that leads me to my second question: What is wrong with black audiences at black comedy specials? Nobody just laughs, it’s like a full body dry heave, like they’re trying to hack up a Toyota Land Cruiser. I get scared, that’s all.
7. Is everything really racist?
I hear this all time. “I asked for no tomatoes. There’s tomatoes on this. That guy’s a racist!” Do you really mean this or is it just an easy way to call somebody out? You know who I think is a racist? George W. Bush. Seriously, I realize nobody’s said this yet, but his reaction post-Katrina leads me to only one inexorable conclusion: George Bush doesn’t care about black people. Seriously, I know I’m the first person to say this. Oh, hi Mike Myers. And you brought your friend, Beating an Obvious Joke Into the Ground. Let’s go to Chris Tucker.
8. What rapper is it okay to like?
And which rappers are too watered down for lame-ass white folk? Oooh, can I guess? Ok. I think you’re cool with DMX. And I guess Jay-Z, even though honestly all his songs essentially sound like “Uh, Rockafella uh uh...” and so on and so forth. Is Eminem okay? Well, let me rephrase. If he wasn’t white, would he be okay? I think 50 Cent blows. I’m not scared of you, 50 Cent. Bitch ass hoe. How about Vanilla Ice? Just kidding. Let me know. By the way, black guys, how come rap music sucks now? Huh? Seriously, the two pioneers of early-90s gangsta rap have been relegated to Coors Light commercials and coming up with incomprehensible lingo for Eugene Levy to spout in the next Queen Latifah catastrophe. Fashizzle my dizzle? C’mon Snoop, in 1993 that talk could get you killed in the LBC. It’s depressing, that’s all. I’m just kind of disappointed, black guys, that you let this happen on your watch.
It just seems like all rap music nowadays is like, “Look how rich I am. I get mad bitches. Check out this bling.” Although if rap survived Cam’ron, I think it can survive anything. God, Cam’ron sucked.
9. How come you all look alike?
Just kidding. But seriously, do you think all white people look alike? Because, no offense, I think all blacks look alike. Same with Asians. Even Jews. People from Connecticut? They ALL look alike. Same with gays. And pretty much any minority group I may have forgotten. You know who looks a lot alike? Portuguese people who write shitty college humor columns. See, can’t get mad now, because I self-deprecated. Self-deprecation. It’s like a life jacket.
10. Did you really spend $200 on shoes?
And what does Avirex mean? Those seem like awfully big pants, is that really necessary? Do you spend more on laundry? How come you guys don’t have to fold the bill on your baseball hats? And why is the tag still on there? Sorry, I’m trying to get as many questions in as possible. Please don’t hate me. I love black people. Fresh Prince!
I figure now’s a good time to pay tribute to Richard Pryor, who died yesterday at 65. Say what you want, Pryor did more for race and comedy than anyone of his or any era.. You could even argue he was the greatest comedian of all time. A few months back, I found myself sucked into a Comedy Central re-airing of his from the seventies. Here’s the point: I never enjoy comedy from the seventies. Even George Carlin’s old stuff seems tame.
Anyway, I couldn’t let today’s column go by without saying something. So there you go. I sincerely think he would have enjoyed today’s column. At least I hope.