Not only is Hitler the world's most famous dictator you love to hate, he was also a comedian! I searched around my old attic the other day and came across a priceless artifact: Adolf Hitler's stand-up comedy routine. Instead of selling this for millions of dollars (like I should) I decided to print it gratis for all you wonderful people.

Here it is…

Nazi swastika with eagleHey hey, Berlin, it's great to see all you ladies and gentlemen. Except the Jews in the audience. You guys can get fucked. You get me?

I mean, what's with the big noses and the whole ruining of the German Motherland and everything? Don't you have your own country to screw up? Oh yeah, that's right, you don't. Too bad! Won wah. Am I right or am I Reich?

Seriously though, wouldn't it be great if somebody totally enslaved and then genocided the entire Jewish race? I mean, the Egyptians tried, but what do you get from Africans who worship a giant half-lion, half mullet-headed monster? Well, I guess you get a bunch of weird stone pyramids and Moses, but what the heck do I know?

On another note, I don't just hate the Jews, I'm also trying to grow a mustache. Unfortunately, my face doesn't really agree with me on this one. I'm trying and I'm trying, and if I'm lying I'm dying. But I just can't seem to get my mustache to grow past the width of my nose. I was really hoping to get that Teddy Roosevelt thing going on. I mean, is that a look or what?

Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt mustache

I don't know if my boyfriend, er, girlfriend is going to like my ‘stache though. But what the hell does she know? She likes latkas. She probably even likes Jews. So I might have to push her in front of a train one of these days. Or maybe chain her entire family to a train and make them pull it to Poland or something. Either or, she's probably gotta go. Just kidding babe, I know you're in the audience. I still love you. Kind of.

You ever notice when you get a kielbasa and sauerkraut sandwich on the bus, how much it makes you want to, you know, turn the entire place into a gas chamber? And I never can find a seat on the bus, so I'm always farting in some old bag lady's face. I'd feel bad for her, I really would, but hey, you could always just give up the seat you're keeping your fucking groceries on so I could sit down. I mean, the nerve of some people!

Also, you ever notice when Catholics, gays, Polish people, Gypsies and all those other dirty foreigners are in a public place, how loud they talk? It's like, "Hey, I know you miss the shithole you came from and everything, but I don't think your Aunt Carol in Shitsvillestein is going to be able to hear you no matter how loud you talk!" Am I right, or am I Reich? Or what?

Okay, it looks like the sound guy is giving me the light, which either means it's an Allied air raid or I'm out of time. And since nobody is on fire or screaming, it must mean my clock is punched. Thank you so much for being a great audience. On an actual seriously serious note, I will be showing some of my art in order to get into my dream art school. Seriously, this stand-up comic gig is just a side job. My deepest desire is to be an artist and show off my sensitive side. Seriously I've got one!

If you'd like to check it out and write to the director of the university to tell them how much you like it, I'd be eternally grateful. If you don't… man, I just don't know what the Herr I'm capable of. But, keep on laughing Berlin!

Adolf Hitler's signature

Get our newsletter for new comedy. Join satire writing classes at The Second City!