The Man Calendar: 17 New Holidays for Guys
Girls in Korea expect a lot from their boyfriends. We're supposed to hold purses, pay for stuff like ice cream, hold hands constantly, remember 100-day anniversaries, text message even more constantly, escort them to cabs, and watch them until the cab is out of view. Add that to general "Western" dating ideas of holding doors, buying flowers, remembering regular anniversaries, and you get the idea.
There are even more holidays guys are supposed to follow. November 11th is Pepero Day, when we're supposed to buy boxes of a chocolate-covered cookie stick (pretty much the exact same thing as Pocky). On top of Valentine's Day and Christmas, there's another day when guys are supposed to buy gifts.
And what the hell do girls do for men? You know, besides look good and get plastic surgery and give sexual favors? Granted, Korean guys don't do much besides work, drink soju, and look like they're about to cry, but hey, I'm an American. I deserve a little more.
So I decided it's time for the men of the world to step up and take what's rightfully American: holidays. Here are a few ideas.
|Every Thursday||Blowjob Thursday|
Wake me up with a blowjob. Put me to sleep with a blowjob. I guarantee, I'll be a lot nicer every day of the week. And frankly, most girls could use the repetition. Practice makes permanent ladies.
|January 1||International Who Can Be Quietest The Longest|
I'm going to be hungover today and do my best to care only about watching football, but for the most part all I'm going to do is fight the four bottles of champagne and endless amounts of whiskey I drank last night. The least you could do is be quiet. Thanks.
|January 31||Annual Threesome Day|
It takes a super man to get with two women at the same time.If you're into it, wouldn't it be great to have a day just for threesomes? And if you're really into it, couldn't it be more often than once a year (or once a lifetime)?
|February 13||Shut Up About Valentine's Day|
Seriously, the hour after Christmas Day ends, guys start feeling pressure from their girls about Valentine's Day. So how about the day before the lamest holiday on the books, you just shut up about it.
|February 15||Burn Those Stupid Candy Hearts Evening|
This is an event where all single guys and girls go to Target, Walmart, and whoever else sells those annoying message heart candies. Then we pile them up and start an awesome bonfire. And then get shitfaced. And maybe if we're all lucky, a Dionysus-style orgy starts.
|March 21||Biological Clock Eve|
Before the spring solstice, females can talk all they want about their biological clock and how "this relationship is going nowhere."
|March 22||Biological Clock Day|
Since men listened to baby talk yesterday, we're allowed to talk about how much it's in our genetic makeup to want to bang 19-year-old strippers, pornstars, and randoms. It's only fair.
This is fun for both sexes. Lots of weed, candy, cartoons, and pizza. Woo hoo!
|May 2||Male-Bitch Day|
In order to show the women how much we care, we write all the things we hate about you on your Facebook wall. The more things we write, the better we know you! And isn't that what you really want? Us to know you?
|May 15||Mushroom Mid-May|
We're allowed, nay, required to head to the hills with our friends and our preferred female companions to eat a bunch of mushrooms and watch stuff melt, glow, and get all glittery. Eight hours later, when the boomers finally start to wear off, we start coloring in Batman, Pokémon, or He-Man coloring books.
|June 29||Implant Ides|
It's the middle of the year. The year is halfway over, but there is still half of it left. Today, we talk about if you should or shouldn't get breast, lip, or ass implants. If those talks go well, we can talk about vag-tightening, anal bleaching, and tummy tucking.
|July 5-12||Oral Sex Week|
Every free moment is spent in some form of fellatio flawlessness. And when we wake up, it's up to us to decide if we'll repay the favor or play air guitar.
|September 17||Sex in the Shower Day|
This is self-explanatory, except on the off chance it happens on a Thursday. Then it's Blowjob in the Shower Day. Then sandwiches.
|October 12||Holy Shit Your Pecs AND Penis Got Bigger Day|
Guys like compliments too, even if they're not true. Today, it's all about us. And how small your last boyfriend's chest and testes were.
Guys don't need to shave, buy flowers, watch chick flicks, or talk about girl stuff. ‘Nuff said.
|Day After Thanksgiving||Get Your Fat Ass on a Treadmill Afternoon|
Instead of spending money on Black Friday, how about losing some of that lard you've accumulated over the winter months.
|December 31||New Year's Eve and International KC Day|
It's not only the last day of the year, it's my birthday! Therefore it's the best day of the year. So plentiful gifts of whiskey, ninja weapons, money, and comic books are given to the men in women's lives. Then lots of make-outs and really bad drunk sex to follow.
Can you think of any more to add to the Man Calendar?