I know you’re out there, Batman, and I know you can hear me. You may have ignored my prayers in the past, like when I asked you to save my parents, and when I asked you to protect me from bullies, and when I asked you for a pony for Christmas every single goddamn year for the past fifty years, but listen, man, this is important. There’s some messed up shit going down, and the world needs you now more than ever. People are taking your name in vain and commiting acts of chaos and terror, so you need to wake up from your fortress of solitude. Look around, Batman. Your followers are being persecuted. You have to save us. You need to put on your bat hat and rubber nipples and get out there so you can start smiting the wicked.

I’m serious, Batman. Don’t make me call the Avengers instead. This is your mess, and we need you to clean it up. Spiderman would have done it.  You’re better than Spiderman, right?

And I don’t know, maybe you’re sick, or dead, or locked up in Arkham Asylum. Maybe you’re just really, really tired. I understand. Maybe you’ve retired or gone on vacation. Maybe you just couldn’t make it because your car was in the shop. It happens. But I won’t give up on you that easily.

At any rate, I have a message for all the crazed gunman out there. It’s important, so listen carefully. FUCK YOU. STOP SHOOTING PEOPLE. YOU’RE ALL A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES.

Just because Batman doesn’t swoop down from the sky to break your legs every time you think about doing something stupid and evil doesn’t mean you should actually do it. It’s just common fucking courtesy.

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I mean look, I get it…crime is fun. Explosions are cool. Nobody is arguing with that. Hell, I like to get crazy on bath salts and have the occasional naked zombie freakout as much as the next guy, but there are still certain things that you just don’t fucking do. One of those things is going around shooting up theaters that aren’t running Twilight marathons.

Listen America, I shoot smack and talk to invisible demons, and even I’m trying to give you moral guidance here. Because you may think you can get away with evil, but there will be a day of reckoning soon, and the Batman will come for you seeking vengeance and justice. Are you prepared? Repent before it’s too late, or suffer the wrath of the bat.

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