One year, I had to buy Christmas gifts for a then girlfriend, but she wasn't flying in until the 28th of December. Because of this, I was able to get her $400 worth of overhyped merchandise for approximately $120 (at the Day After Sales). Needless to say, if you really want to maximize the gift giving, do Christmas after Christmas. And if I ever have kids, that's exactly what I'll do.

At first, I'll just lie to my kids and tell them that we celebrate a different Christmas because we're of the Menopausal religion. I think teaching kids to tell people something funny like that will enrich everyone's lives.

And as the kids grow older, more self-aware and greedier, I will teach them the difference between the amount of stuff they will get if they want Christmas in its rightful place and the amount of stuff they would get if we worked the holiday my way. Then, I will tell the little shits to shut the hell up if they know what's good for 'em. Unless they're girls, in which case, I'll probably try to be very nice and sweet about the whole thing lest they grow up to fall in love with abusing cokeheads (like their mother(s) probably did, at least once).

Now, I probably won't have a wife understanding enough to allow my belated Christmas dream. But that won't really matter unless I'm broke or make less money than her. In which case, the whole Christmas thing would really just be her option, anyway. And besides, I mean, really and truly, how long could I stay married?

Please don't answer that.

Anyway guys, Christmas is only about 310 days away. But if you're smart, you'll wait three more.

Unless you're all hung up on that whole Jesus thing. In which case, reading this may have been a waste of your time.

Sorry about that.