Born Between 1900-1945 – Traditionalists

Notable Figures: Bob Dole, John F. Kennedy, Noam Chomsky

Also Known As: “The Veterans,” “The Silent Generation,” “The Greatest Generation”

Pros: Helped to raise the country through the Great Depression; fought tyranny and fascism to ensure world peace; largely selfless

Cons: Made every single American person afraid to talk openly about sex; gave modern Tea Party politicians their hollow talking points; thought radio was hot shit

Born Between 1946-1964 – Baby Boomers

Notable Figures: Jane Fonda, Steve Jobs, Donald J. Trump

Also Known As: “The Me Generation,” “Flower Children”

Pros: Helped progress the Civil Rights movement; created some of the culture’s finest music and art; introduced equal rights for all citizens

Cons: Divorced one another faster than a Bob Dylan sneer; radicalized for peace in the 70’s/Yuppitized for cash in the 80’s; thought they themselves were hot shit

Born Between 1965-1980 – Generation X

Notable Figures: Barack Obama, David Foster Wallace, Richard Linklater

Also Known As: “Gen X,” “The Latchkey Generation,” “Xers”

Pros: Grew up through tough post-boom for U.S.A.; well-educated; largely independent and self-reliant

Cons: Extremely skeptical and uninterested in politics and government thanks to Watergate; raised largely by 70’s-80’s television (Cheers’ Norm was affectionately known as “dad”); thought Andrew Dice Clay was hot shit

Born Between 1981-2000 – Millennials

Notable Figures: Mark Zuckerberg, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber

Also Known As: “Generation Y,” “New Boomers,” “Generation Next”

Pros: Focused on a new “world-view”; determined to right the wrongs of the past; wildly innovative and technically creative

Cons: Fatally idealistic, embarrassingly self-obsessed; raised by helicopter parents to be sheltered from real dangers of the world; thought selfies and dick pics were hot shit

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Born Between 2001-2050 – Generation Z

Notable Figures: Suri Cruise, Blue Ivy Carter, @swingswong, Donald J. Trump III

Also Known As: “The Instagrammers,” “iGen,” “The Generation Brought To You By Snapchat®”

Pros: Pushed forward the space travel agenda; widely recognized as the first generation with a “world language”; ended global terrorism with the Grand Appeasement

Cons: Largely raised by social media with little to no attention span; invented the disastrous Super Sex Phone®; wiped out nearly two billion people with the Grand Appeasement; thought the phrase “Brand It!™” was hot shit

Born Between 2051-2125 – Generation Blorp

Notable Figures: Elon Musk III, Gloxiboop, Rosie O’Donnell

Also Known As: “The Space Explorers,” “The Time Travelers?,” “The ‘Bye-Bye Earth’ Generation”

Pros: First generation to leave planet Earth and colonize Mars; first generation to make alien contact and perfect artificial intelligence; possibly the first generation to experience time travel? (i.e. Rosie O’Donnell, a talk show host from 20th Century, showed up inexplicably in 2098 claiming that she’d been brought there against her will)

Cons: Largely raised by robots/devoid of most human emotion and empathy/still quite active on social media; began the Great Intergalactic Blorpian War when southern section of former United States of America invaded an alien home-world and attempted to enslave native alien race; thought the retro “Death Star” they built to fight in Great Intergalactic Blorpian War is not only original, but also hot shit

Born Between 2126-2200 – The Last Generation

Notable Figures: Thuggelnox the Terrible, King Space Zeus of Earth, Yaaegh

Also Known As: “The Big Ones,” “The Whoops Generation,” “The Ultimate Boomers”

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Pros: Developed technologies and metaphysical concepts previously thought to be inconceivable; first generation to halt human death from aging; won the Great Intergalactic Blorpian War

Cons: Started the Great Replacement to replace all human working positions on Mars and Earth with self-conscious robots; provoked the robots into the Great Robotic War for Humanity; ended all human life on Earth with accidental — yet hilarious — doomsday device activation; thought black hole-generating Doomsday Machine was hot shit

Created After 2200-? – The Robots

Notable Figures: All of the robots

Also Known As: “The Robots’ Time,” “The Metal Ones,” “Look At All Those Robots”

Pros: No humans, all robots

Cons: Music is terrible

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