Skeleton

Summary from the back of the Blu-ray re-release:

At long last, the most classic monster of legend gets its due: the skeleton. All the old skeleton business you love—knocked to pieces only to reassemble, dancing a jig in a dark room, xylophone rib cage—only grittier, deadlier, and more BONE chilling. This skeleton murders like 19 hot teenagers. Can our hero Jessica survive?

Skeleton 2

Amateur review:

I’ll admit up front, I’m one of the few, the proud, the lovers of Skeleton 1. So at the outset, I enjoyed the premise of this sequel, but I think it went off the rails when the skeleton gained flesh. The xylophone noises didn’t really do it for me when he was just a creepy, cut dude. Why was he so cut? 8/10

Skeleton 3

Transcript for trailer:

[slowly building xylophone tune]

Rob (yelling): “Hey, Jessica, quit practicing your xylophone, and come and get your supper.”

Jessica: “Who you yelling at, dad? I’m not practicing.”

Blackout.

Fade in text: “The bones are back…And they have a bone to pick.”

Cut to Jessica—shrieking!

Skeleton 4

Pitch:

So Skeleton 1, underappreciated but has a fervent fan base—Skeleton 2 tried to add to the concept, move the franchise forward, but it flopped, so Skeleton 3, a return to form, did what it needed to do, and won big at the box. How do we move forward then without flopping like number 2? We go bigger. Skeleton world. Like a zombie picture, but people are turning into skeletons. We’ll have the staple zombie flick kill-your-loved-one-before-they-turn scenes, but it’s more like break-all-your-loved-one’s-bones-before-their-skeleton-reanimates. Every single bone. Those scenes are the bread and butter of zombie flicks and they last like thirty seconds tops. Skeleton 4’s loved-one-bone-breaking scenes could go on for five, six, or seven minutes—apiece. The kicker? The soundtrack, a symphony of xylophones.

Skeleton 5

Final lines:

Jessica: “But they’ll never let us rest They’ll keep hounding, chasing, writing their horrid stories…”

Skeleton: “Because our love challenges them. Our love shows them the truth of their sad lives. Our love is the skeleton in their closets.”

Jessica and Skeleton embrace. Roll credits.

Skeleton 6

List of items expensed by sound-effects department for climactic scene:

3/4 inch wood-boring drill bit, watermelon, Miracle Whip, m-80 explosive, child-sized xylophone, child-sized xylophone mallet, bottle of champagne, pack of cigars.

Skeleton X

Overheard conversation leaving the movie theater:

“So what’d you think?”

“Oh my god, you always ask too soon!”

“Oh my god, it’s just a question. Don’t fucking attack me.”

“I am not…! Stop. Remember what we talked about?”

“Right. I’m sorry. I am sorry that I push you to form an opinion too quickly after watching movies. I can try to remember that in the future and wait to ask. Separate from that, I feel like your tone communicated an attack.”

“I accept your apology. And I appreciate you will try in the future to wait to ask what I thought of a movie. And, on that separate note, I feel like you’re right about my tone. I am sorry for that.”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“But for real, why’d they give the skeleton nipples?”

“I liked ‘em.”

Skeleton: The Beginning

Full text of the film’s briefly vandalized Wikipedia page:

“FARTS!”

Skeleton: Awakening

Note on the musical score:

“I don’t think the nipples would change the xylophone tone in that way.”

Skeleton 10

Text conversation about choosing to go see this movie:

“Nipples on bones! Nipples on bones!”

“Wtf?”

“Wanna see a movie?”

“Wtf?”

“skeleton 10”

“isn’t that a couple years old”

“that was Skeleton X. 7th film in the franchise. This is number 10”

“nipples on bones????”

“The Skeleton now has nipples [money face emoji] [100 emoji].”

“noooo”

“Come on!”

“Fine”

“[skull] [eggplant] [peach] [tongue] [fireworks]”

“i think we have lit the fuse on the end of our relationship”

Skeleton: Revient

Excerpt from the diary of the writer of all 11 Skeleton films:

“Magnum opus nearly complete. But I fear each new word more than the last, each a step closer to the end, closer to realizing (or not realizing) my ultimate fantasy. Fear. Because I know the creation of these films cannot rival my lifelong fantasy of them. 11 down. 1 to go. Damn it all! Even here on this precipice of the end, I can’t shake the feeling, was that waitress flirting with me?”

Skeleton XII

Answers to frequently asked questions:

Yes, the skeleton is defeated once and for all with no hope of coming back. Hurled into a black hole. Yes, Jessica dies. Chokes on a chicken bone. And yes, her skeleton reanimates. The end.

Skeleton: The New Beginning

Answer to the frequently asked question:

Yes, Jessica’s skeleton does have nipples.

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