Mission Impossible: A Gallon of Milk in an Hour

By contributing writer Mary Walsh

I’m sure you’ve all heard the old wise tale about drinking a gallon of milk. Right? Well, rumor has it that it is physically impossible to drink a gallon of whole milk in one hour. I know what you’re thinking, “Dude! I drink a gallon of beer in an hour every Saturday night! I can totally drink the milk!” Hey, guess what? You can’t. You will barf everywhere like a giant, gross baby and nobody will like you. Well, people might still like you, but only if you don't spew all over them (never guaranteed). Why do I know this? Been there, done that. I was just like you: young, naïve, and eager to show off my milk-guzzling skills. You see, I am an extreme milk drinker (still am, even after the incidents I will soon explain to you), and I figured that I probably drink a gallon a day anyway, so why not?

ATTEMPT #1: Hard and Fast

It was a random summer night and I was bored out of my mind. I ended up visiting a friend of mine at the fudge store where she worked (yeah, she packed fudge, eat it up losers) and we started discussing the milk rumor. I immediately decided that I was the chosen one, and that only I could carry out this task. Being a little overzealous, I thought the best way to drink it would be as quickly as possible, so I immediately started downing glass after glass after glass.


Sometimes, there's just not enough semen.

At first the milk was tasty. Twenty minutes into my adventure it became harder and harder to drink. For example, you know how when you’re drinking a bucket of semen and it’s all weird tasting and thick? No? …Well, it was like that. You can honestly feel your stomach top off like the handle on a gas pump. There’s just no more room.

And then you explode. All the food you ate that day, covered in lumpy, white shit. It’s like that scene in Poltergeist where they all go into that vortex to get Carol Anne and they come out covered in weird slime shit. That’s what your puke looks like, get out your camera phones.

ATTEMPT #2: Slow and Steady

I used to work at Ben & Jerry’s and one day it was downpouring, so we didn’t have many customers. For some reason only Satan and a dairy farmer somewhere have the answer to, I had the bright idea of drinking a gallon of milk again. I tried to analyze why I failed last time. Maybe I drank it too quickly. Maybe I had eaten too much beforehand. Maybe I just wasn’t driven enough to get the job done. My co-workers and I decided this time I should pace myself and skip dinner so I would be completely empty.

This time I began to drink and things seemed to be go a little better than before. I polished off the first three quarters off like a prize-winning gutter whore. With a quarter of the gallon left, I really thought I would make it.

And then the puke came. Again, and again, and again (and again, the remix). Advantage to second attempt: So much puke you won't have to stay late at your shitty job to help close the store. Disadvantage to second attempt: Wading in your own Poltergeist puke, combined with a disappointment you can feel deep down in your soul bowels.

ATTEMPT #3: The Day Jesus Stole My Stomach Lining and Beat Me To Death With It

I was cruising around in my parent’s minivan with a few friends, getting high (on LIFE, stupid stoner asshole) when one of my pals brought up the milk thing. I really didn’t want to do it again, but I was weak and we were bored. Peer pressure is a horrible piece of shit and it probably never tried to drink a gallon of milk before, let alone endure the humiliation of driving around in its parent's minivan.

Anyway, we got the milk and started driving around again. This time I didn’t have it in me. I was fresh off a full dinner, my heart and stomach weren't in it, and I knew what the end result would be.

Sure enough, Mr. Vomit Face paid me a visit again. However, right before I puked, I realized we were in the neighborhood of an ex-lover (ex-lover is the classier term for "a kid who used to like to get head and give nothing in return"—I’m not bitter) of mine. In my milky haze, I puked into an empty Burger King cup lying in my backseat and chucked the cup out the window and onto his front steps. It was one of my finer moments and I often think about it when wondering why I don’t have a boyfriend.

Still want to drink a gallon of milk? Actually, you probably do, fuck face. Tell the toilet I say hi—we haven’t had a decent conversation since I had one too many shots of tequila last month. Be sure to let me know if you succeed in drinking the gallon of milk without puking, and I promise I will send you a $50 gift certificate to the Fucking Liar Store. I hear they're having a sale on "cottage cheese."



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i've drunk a gallon of milk in an hour (well, 56 mins) and it wasn't fun. but it's doable.

you can definetly do it because i have....you will feel like shit for about three hours afterwards however...

Joe, Joe

Everyone knows that no puking is a by-law. We all know he puked. I bet we can replace that milk with moonshine and he can say he did that too

My ass needs penetration.

That article was the funniest one I have read on this site! That girl is hilarious, I mean, she threw puke at a house! Who does that?! I want to read more of her stuff! :lol:

I've seen or been around Mary many, many times when she has done the whole yak-fest routine. Too bad she's moving to LA to show the Westcoast how not to drink milk properly. Her and her vomit will be sorely missed.

We also need to remember that you can only use whole milk. Ive seen it done with skim milk, just never with whole milk.

I just saw it done with 2% today in roughly 50 minutes... and watched 3 people in the contest make a chunky milk geyser lol

Supposed to be whole milk!

be my girlfriend?

Its "old wives tale" not "old wise tale"

do not know where you are from but no it is not old wives tale it is old wise tale because you learn from it the only thing any one learns from a wife is what a bitch that women can be once you put a ring on their finger

thanks, laura. my friend pointed that out to me as soon as she started reading it and i felt like a moron. now i feel like a double moron. yesssssss.

This column is not funny... at all.

Stephen, you must be the dickhead ex lover!!!

Haha! Hilarious article.

To Mary: You're taking a lot of crap for this and I can't understand why... Lauren must be a tight ass to walk away from this article and only point out some trivial mistake. And Stephen... well Stephen is probably some vegan who was "really, really hurt and upset" by your actions.

Maybe you should throw puke at their houses.

I drank a gallon of milk live on the Opie and Anthony show in a contest in 3 minutes and 46 seconds, and kept it down.

Here's the link.

http://files.foundrymusic.com/RM/32001billdrink.zip
Where's my fucking 50 dollars?

i won 1000 bucks drinkin a gallon of milk in a half hour and not puking at all. maybe you're jus too fat to do it

Bullshit you lying son of a bitch!

I have time stamped photos of my roommate drinking a gallon of milk in 29 mins. it is possible. he did not puke. he kept it down. his shit was white.

I drank a gallon of 2% milk in a college sponsered dorm challenge in less than 30 min. There are plenty of witnesses, it can be done. I poped white for about a 3 days put i never puked.

Some guy in my dorm drank a gallon of chunky milk in under an hour. He kept it in until the very end. I heard it couldn't be done, but he went over and above.

hah sure showed her

yes, james. they sure showed me. things i know: i barfed. it sucked. and people that can actually drink a gallon of whole milk in an hour deserve to shit white stuff and explode.

Funny! Surprisingly is actually makes me wanna try it.

That was hillarious!!!!!!!! I don't think I've ever laughed that much! :lol:

I go out to the bar with co-workers every other month. For 2 years my buddy kept saying that it was physically impossible. I tried it at work just to shut him up. I was successful. . .slow and steady last glass was downed 59 minutes in. I was hurting. Had a wicked case of white diarehea. It lasted 3-4 hours. My advice to anyone who tries this and is successful. . . never trust a fart

Well, I got a gallon down in 59 minutes. My boss got it down in 45 and now we're both hurting and waiting. I feel better but he doesn't look so hot right now...

Good article, but I do believe I will pass... :+:

Please can you clarify as to the gallon measure that you are using.

Are you talking about the 3.8 litre US gallon or the true 4.5 litre Imperial gallon?

The Imperial gallon doesn't exist anymore dumb ass. Even if it did do we sound like a bunch of British faggots? No, we're American. So Fuck You.

This is a CROCK...it is completely possible...I drank a gallon of milk in 43 minutes (to satisfy a co-worker's bet) and NEVER puked...furthermore...I work construction so this was done outside in 95+ heat after working all morning (5 hrs)...I did take incredibly easy in the afternoon...I do not recomend anyone does this, but it is possible

awwww muffin

Mary's the fucking shit. Those guys are a bunch of terds, their men bellies are built differently anyhow, so are their lying tongues, and Stephen's a douchbag.

Write more please??

hmm this could be something fun to make an attempt at...

let it be know that this challenge is attainable. i know this because i just did it last night. i have video footage on the way of me and 6 of my friens doing the challenge. i came, i conquired, i did not vomit. as for my friends, they can pretty well relate to your article.

Check out some videos of people actaully drinking and holding the entire gallon! And also see a lot of people spew.

the people on here that have said they have done it, are wrong. they did not follow the actual letter of the law. it states that one cannot drink an entire gallon of milk within one hour, and keep it down for another hour, not, drink it in under an hour, and keep it down for the rest of the hour.

Did it in about 50 minutes then went to the bar and drank some beer that night...no puking involved. It wasn't hard at all, an easy 50 bucks.

yeah, it's been done, there are some websites documenting it.

i did a gallon (of skim) in an hour and never puked. how it went down (and never came back up):

http://www.beepcentral.com/discussions/thread.aspx?bctid=1130&bcgid=9

i did a gallon [prbably more] of milk about half an hour ago and i did it in under 10 mins. it is not hard when u are used to drinking about 5 gallons a day lol n just so you don't think i am obese, i am not obese lol i am normal with a BMI of 20.8 [i dont want people thinking im big and fat]

<b>HOLY SHIT! </b>that is the funniest fucking thing i have ever read. sick haha wow. my friends and i were seriously cracking up at this. mary is the fucking shit...she threw puke at a house. who does that? ahhh love it!

I think it's hilarious that this whole thing is about drinking too much milk, vomiting, having affected bowel movements and down at the bottom Google helpfully supplies a lot of links to milk.

Hey. We just had a gallon challenge last night. Did a whole gallon of 2 % in fourty minutes... all 8 other guys puked... I still have yet to puke... and I ran three miles today. So it is possible!
Some hints if you want them :

Burp.. Dont let it be too big though because then you will blow chunks.

Keep spitting.. Dont let that shit build up in your mouth because the taste alone will make you throw up.

And sit steady. If you move around, you will puke hands down!

This is seriously the funniest thing i have ever read. My friends and i were just wondering about the milk drinking myth and came across this article. Im glad we did.

Yea i tried to drink the milk and <b></b>FAILED HORRIBLY<b></b> i was told through some co-workers of mine, and us working in construction we started beating other people on the jobsite to do it. many failed until one day this bummie lookin guy with a cocked eye put us to shame. we sat there the whole hour watchin him drink the milk tha last 15 minutes into it it stated to get hard for him. we were getting happy because we didnt wanna lose our money just as the hour passed we gave him his winnings a total of 150 bucks. not long after that he walked into the porter shitter and puked everywhere.

I have done this without it coming back up. Actually, I can do about two or three in a day without being sick. Prefer chocolate milk though. I don't drink it straight out of the cooler, or you will be cold for the entire day. Also, don't suck in air, or you will pay. I worked in a grocery store so this stuff was easy access. Co-workers and customers referred to this as my 'glass of milk', but could not figure out how I could hold it down. One lady told me that I she saw me drink more in one store visit than her three sons drink in a week. I don't encourage everyone to try this, but if you can, congratulations.

I love this blog, its frigging hilarious :), and at first I thought it was a guy, because i didn't read the red "Mary Walsh" bit, and then I figured out it was a girl, and DAMN, I wanna meet Mary Walsh, she sounds AWESOME, very fun person to hang out with. just saying :). facebook me, Brandon Rising. or myspace.com/canadianbrandon

bahah. id just like to start off and say sorry it takes a certain type of budy to be able to do it, im 5'6 140 lbs, and i did it 1st try, you my friend are a pussy. you want toi know my reasongs now, watch any eating competition and the skinniest asian will win why because his stomach has more room to expand as does mine. i will say that drinking all that milk in an hour is actualy discusting lol. just for fun try what i also did a hungry man dinner says 1 lb right, well eat 10 hungry men in an hour tihnk its easy try it its fun and incredibly bad for you just like every type of stunt like this but whos not gonna try it hell im eager to try them all.

when i tried it... but i have never heard the story before that it was impossible... and i have had a contest before with my sisters and i have came pretty close, and i thought that i puked because i was full, because i just ate. So tonight me and my roommates were talking and she told me that it was impossible, but i didnt believe her, so i drove to the store and bought a gallon of milk. Came back home and started drinking it, she gave me a time of 30 minutes because again i have never heard this story before, but the point of my story is i puked... it is impossible

my favorite beverage in the universe... is whole milk, red is my favorite color just because most whole mile cartons are that color. I tried my senior year of high school and I drank about 1/2 a gallon and spent the rest of the night with the dye ahh rehahs. A later acid trip found me drinking an entire gallon of milk unknowingly, after all it is my favorite drink of all you see... naturally the dye ahh rehahs found me again soon after and the next hours were full of terror in a public bathroom stall

Mission Possible on 1st attempt..what now?? Actually its not pshyically impossible to drink a gallon in a hour, I have 6-7 people who witnessed this even and a few bets went down for me and against me. I won $10 bucks..ha ha ha...and my buddy who coached me got $5 in a seperate deal.

HA HA see for im not lying you need to send that $50 to my place fool, I drank a whole gallon of milk and didn't puke at all. I feel fine, and finished a lil bit less then an hour maybe 20-30 seconds left, felt like my stomach was going to throw up right after but it never happend but really had to take a lot of pisses from all that damn milk.

The asshole I bet with tried telling me I had to hold it 15 minutes after the hour even though I didn't agree to that, I still won and don't think I'm going to puke from this at all..Horray mission impossible my ass.

It can be done, just do a google video search for people chugging milk: http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=a+gallon+of+milk&oe=utf-8&rls=org....

It is possible to drink a gallon of milk within one hour, we had the gallon challenge between some kids in our school and one guy did it. We timed it.
It is possible, I was close but failed.

someone might have already posted this but... this guy drank a gallon of milk in an hour and held it down for another hour on a $20 bet. Apparently he let himself puke after the bet was over though.
http://www.loudermilk.org/milk/

It can be done cause i've done it

It can be done cause i've done it

Ok just recently one of my buds and I got to talking about this gallon challenge....well I decided to do it....and knowing that most people throw up I was kind of hesitant to do it....but I did anyways....like u said the first 3/4 was a breeze...the last 1/4 was killer....however I did complete the whole thing without throwing up....yes it is true....I did not throw up but un fortunately I had the worst stomach pains known to man.....all the gas started to build in my stomach and it was like I was going to explode.....so I had the worst gas that night....but just proving u wrong...it can be done......well peace out bro and have fun with your semen bucket cuz I don't know about u but most people don't dring buckets of semen....fyi....peace out.....

dude. my friend jonathan actually did this at church camp and never threw up..we got pictures and everything..

i tried tonight 3/4 thru puked once and felt fine

why the need to call people assholes?

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat! On your 3rd attempt you had already eaten dinner? :) I wouldn't survive. I'm lactose intolerant...haha!

............Isnt there many other things like this, for example you cant eat a spoonful of cinnamon!!!! Im trying to get a whole bunch of these together and have all my friends try it one night, are there any other interesting ones????.............!

"Old wise tale"? The term is "Old Wives' Tale." It is a reference to women passing the time by sitting around telling stories while the men were out in the fields.

There's a tattoo spot near me that's having a contest - whoever is able to drink a gallon of milk in an hour gets $1000 in tattoos. It's been going on for months and three people won so far. I'm doing it on Monday :P worth a try.

There's a tattoo spot near me that's having a contest - whoever is able to drink a gallon of milk in an hour gets $1000 in tattoos. It's been going on for months and three people won so far. I'm doing it on Monday :P worth a try.

wher are you located

Where do you *think* I'm located?

In Aus the biggest milk you can get is 3L. While a Gallon is 3.8L, I have done the 3L in 28mins. Had the shakes and felt like shit for a while. Be interesting to see if I could have done the next 0.78L in 32 mins.

Did with 1 percent a gallon of milk in a hour its easy just drink 8 cups of milk per half hour at slow pace its easy its far from impossible its quite easy did it in my 1st attempt but my stomach was in hell. I didn't even throw up I thought I was after, then i was fine 15 minutes later. I would need an incentive to go through that again.

dave cox's picture

well i had guy at work say i couldnt do it and said it was impossible. im a big milk drinker, so i came home watched alot fail on you tube and thought what pussies, so i tried it and drank it in 35 min and held it down... WALK IN THE PARK and id do it again

ok you no what it actually is possible because i just did it .....oh no...... here comes the barf.....
ahh.... ok thats better anway ya im a crazy milk drinker, and i guess it isnt possible.

your funny you should be a comedian

i think you just have a super weak stomach cause i did it ha ha

just because this dimwitted moron cant do it doesnt make it impossible, and its a chick! she never stood a chance

im going to try this next week and when i do it i want that 50 bucks for that liar store you were talking about.

also a blow job, since i found out in your third attempt that your a chick. I can treat you right baby. We will drink a gallon together <3

Nicholas Furini's picture

big dick playa but a two pump chump

I successfully drank one gallon of whole milk in about 48 minutes, way back in 2004. It was really painful, but I can proudly say that I didn't puke.

Oh geez, my bf just did this. Spewed all over everything, including me :( but he held it 2 minutes, and downed it in 10. Sickk

Oh geez, my bf just did this. Spewed all over everything, including me :( but he held it 2 minutes, and downed it in 10. Sickk

Oh geez, my bf just did this. Spewed all over everything, including me :( but he held it 2 minutes, and downed it in 10. Sickk

yeah, you can definitely do it. first off, people vary in size, so saying "you" may apply to a 4'8" chick, or a toddler, but a 6'2" guy has different odds. i have done this, before i ever heard you can't. and, i did it in less than 5 minutes. and, i felt like bloated death for about 25 minutes and then like total shit for an hour after that.

also, it's "old wives' tale", not "old wise tale" you r-tard.

ps: please delete this post and this whole article because it is a poorly written waste of time.

Dear Anonymous,

Please go back in the comments section and see that this was discussed FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AGO. And yes, it is a crappy article - but it has 77 comments, 4.4 out of 5 stars and you took the time out of your valuable life to read it and comment on it.

Laura on January 14th, 2006:
Its "old wives tale" not "old wise tale"

mary on January 14th, 2006:
thanks, laura. my friend pointed that out to me as soon as she started reading it and i felt like a moron. now i feel like a double moron. yesssssss.

srry =( i read dis 4 1/2 years l8r

ha. i figured this was old. you see here, though, i was at work and was taking a quick break from dealing with serious garbage. so, in reality, i took no time out of my life as i continued to be paid the same salary. unlike now. at which time i am losing valuable living time. although, i am on the computer doing something work related and procrastinating. i google stuff that pops in my head in the few minutes every couple hours and sometimes i comment. your article riled me up because i don't like people telling me what to do. not even if that person is my own body. don't take my comments to heart or anybody's. who is the one writing stuff that people read by choice? that is something in itself...

Just tried it after reading this article... started puking after 30 min and after downing half the milk.. I think ill try again soon hahaha

I want sum dick in my tight pussy or sum tasty pussy to eat.

I did it in 23 mins last night and after 30 mins I was fine, had 2 slices of cheese pizza and a 6 pack of coors light

Ha me and 2 of my friends tried this and almost made it but one blew then the other because he had a weak stomach then I went after laughing so hard I could barely breath (it came out the second guys nose along with his seasoned popeyes fries lol) definitely gonna try again!

this totally possible dependong hight weight type of milk gender no offense but girls can take alot less n im srry i wish i tasted that semen bucket to bad im not homo also important is age cuz ur not givin it to a baby n i bet my freind 50 buck so ill let ya no if it wrks =) hand hug

well they all say its impossible but i have visual and video proof that it can be done my friend tried the test and i video recorded it no cut outs or nothing its a full 1 hour video and he drank the hole thing and didnt puke at all

you are incredibly unhumorous

gtytrysry

Call me at 5806182694

What if I get it on video?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxoVPrXEebY
You can't handle the truth.
Bitch.

Oh and one more thing,
you owe him $50.

you say it can't be done, but, what if someone does it, and goes so far as to video record it? then they would have evidence and you wouldn't really be able to call them a liar-
P.S.
I mean like they record the whole hour and actually succeed.

i drink a gallon of milk when i was 17 and i did it in like 12 or 13 minutes. and i didn't throw up. i had most of it gone around five minutes into it and had to take a little break. i made a joke saying the best thing with this would be some lucky charms.

Mary, you are hilarious. Have you considered writing?

I've tried the gallon challenge a few times, and fail miserably. Being the only girl doing the challenge with my friends, I at least feel good that I come in second place!...but first place didn't manage to hold it down either, so I guess thats not saying much.

As unpleasant as the experience was, I still have the urge to try this again, just to say "I DID IT"...because drinking a gallon of milk in an hour is an accomplishment to tell the grandkids about.

Kudos to those of you who have tried this, and then tried it a second, third, or even more time.

im 14 minutes into it and already feeling like shit LOL

i know what im going to set up for my next party............... fucking great!!!

ive done this last week with choclate milk!!!!!!!!

52 mins an kept it down for an hour

all other friends who have ever tried this failed

email me if you wanna see a youtube link in a couple weeks when we edit video

buts its damn near impossible

im just the fucken man

did it in 56 minutes and didnt throw up. YOU TELL LIES.

Whole milk not 2%.
Anyone who says they have done it are liars!!!
Mary, YOU ROCK!
Fantastic and thoroughly entertaining article :-)