How to Find That Asshole Who's Not on Facebook

Bull on a Facebook logo

The following is a simple tutorial on how to reconnect with old acquaintances who refuse to fucking participate in our era of rapid digital communication and constant connectivity (or, how to find an asshole without a Facebook account).

Step 1: Log on to Facebook.

If your job requires the use of a computer, or you are a teenage-to-twenty-something-year-old girl with a cell phone, you can skip this step. Everyone on the planet is connected by six degrees of separation, and Facebook makes this concept almost tangible (see fig. 1a). Wow, Kevin Bacon accepted my friend request!

Fig. 1a:
Six degrees of Facebook = Bullshit

Step 2: Locate a mutual friend who has the decency to publicly display personal, potentially sensitive information to any and all who might use it for nefarious purposes.

Shouldn't be too hard in this era.

Step 3: Break the ice with a wall post.

It has been years since you awkwardly1 ate in silence at the "uncool" table at your high school cafetorium2, daydreaming about having friends. Make sure to include all information in a single post (see fig. 2b). You don't want to have any unnecessary correspondence with the intermediary.

Fig. 2b:

Facebook wall conversation

Step 4: Get over your phone-phobia.

Every time I hear a phone ring I feel nauseous. I hate calling numbers if I do not know who will pick up the phone. I am comfortable answering calls from identified contacts. I am comfortable dialing personal phones. It's just everything else I can't handle.

Here is a list of things I use my cell phone for (see fig. 8e), starting with the most common:

  • Pornography
  • Pornography
  • G.P.S. + Yellow Pages (to find outlets that sell pornography)
  • Internet + Google (to read reviews on pornography before I purchase it)
  • Internet + Browser + WiFi + Data Plan (to stream free mobile tube site pornography)
  • Banking (to secure funds with which to purchase pornography)
  • Pornography
  • Guitar Tuner
  • iPod
  • Camera
  • Games
  • Text Messaging
  • Stalking/Harassment
  • Email
  • Clock
  • Calendar
  • Weather
  • Calculator
  • Pornography
  • Telephone Calls

Fig. 8e:
 Internet usage graph (mostly pornography)

Step 5: Make the call.

Mark Zuckerberg on the cover of Time (dislike)I don't actually remember the reason I wanted to get in contact with this person anymore, but it's ringing. What you say in this step is entirely up to you. Base your talking points around current events in your life or you will have an awkward conversation. You haven't spoken to each other in almost a decade, and now realize you are both kinda grown up, and life is nothing like high school, and shit has changed. You both realize it but don't want to burst that super-imposed bubble that seems to suggest the other person still believes in Santa Claus and the sanctity of high school friendships. You know what I mean?

I will transcribe the telephone conversation I had for educational purposes.

What not to say:

"Hello, may I please speak with [John Doe]3?"

"This is [John]3 speaking."

"Hi, this is Mike [Pseudonym]3 calling. You may not remember me but we went to high school together."

"Hey yeah, I do remember you! It's been a while, how's it going man?"

"Not too well. I am just calling out of my court obligation to inform all of my previous sexual partners that I have tested positive for HIV."

"Dude, what the fuck are you talking about. I'm not gay, we never had sex, and I don't even think we were ever in the same room alone together."

"Sorry, I sometimes use humor to deal with difficult situations and my inability to conceptualize human emotions... so my therapist says. Truthfully, I am on the 8th step of my road to recovery with Alcoholics Anonymous and I am trying to make amends with all of the people I have harmed."

" Uh... okay. But I don't really know what you have ever done to harm me."

"(Deep breath) (Exhale) Well here it goes. (Dramatic pause) ...I'm sorry for giving you HIV."


"Relax, I'm just fucking with ya! I'm not an alcoholic."

You Won't Find Me on Facebook...And that's about the time that he hung up on me. Nobody likes you when you're 23. Oh yeah, I was calling to invite him to my birthday party.

1. What a fucking awkward word to spell. I swear it had a "Q" in there somewhere.

2. Our school actually had a "cafetorium." It functioned as a cafeteria and the auditorium. Lame.

3. I used pseudonyms for the purpose of this publication to protect my identity and the identity of potential victims.

C'mon, one more:

Gavin Pitt's picture

Funny stuff dude. Love the footnotes!
All seems like a lot of work though. I prefer the personal touch you can only get when you stalk someone in real life. I mean, online, you can't even cut off a lock of their hair and wear it as a necklace...

btw- I don't have HIV, but I'm pretty sure the last time we fucked, you gave me crabs. Lucky thing I'm an entomologist, and can use them in my research. Thanks!

Michael Winston's picture

The "last" time we fucked? I hope you meant, "the most recent time" we fucked. Or is this your way of saying it's over because my last performance really "brought the roof down?"

Gavin Pitt's picture

My mistake. I meant "the last time we fucked in the bed before your gibbon-like flailing brought the ceiling down and necessitated fucking in the bathtub until the insurance comes in". I tried to warn you that the reverse vase leads to unpredictable limb twitching, but noooo!

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Awesome post. Great homosexual comments. All around a great piece.

Great hat. Nice font. Mediocre color choice.

Seriously though, great homosexual comments.

some great one liners in there, but a whole article devoted to one gag about HIV really isn't what I'd called comic genius...stick to the day job, or benefits

Court Sullivan's picture

i dunno, some of my favorite comedy over the years has been rim shots to HIV jokes. then again, my favorite writer is magic "ass" johnson.

Michael Winston's picture

Dear Anonymous,

I believe my writing could only ever be described as "haphazard." Any project is started by answering the great hypothetical question, how does one write a great literary masterpiece? One word at a time. So in that spirit I do just that. There is no comic genius in play trying to segue gags and bits and shtick into a cohesive theme or motif, there is no outlined plot or intent, just me writing one word at a time while constantly looking up spelling and grammar rules. This article is just a retelling of actual events and situations that seemed humorous in hindsight.

I have never lost sight of my day job, even though I work the night shift, I just write for fun in my spare time. Maybe one day I will become a professional (anonymous) internet humour critic like you and be able to use my leisure time for something more constructive than ... oh, never mind.

Haha, I love your articles man