How to Fail at Everything You Do

Statue with its hand over its face in disgust

Step 1: Truly believe that you can't do it.

This is easy. Just look at anything you've ever done. It sucks. You can't talk to that girl who just smiled at you. Give up now before you get hurt. It's better to feel nothing than pain or joy.

Step 2: Medicate yourself until you're numb.

It's better to feel nothing than pain or joy. Plus it's a great excuse for pissing in the corner of your parent's living room/your bedroom.

Step 3: If you're not too drunk or intoxicated, text that chick you've never had the guts to talk to a picture of your dick.

She'll love it. The restraining order will be just her way of playing hard to get. One day she'll creep up on you in the woods when you're jogging and fuck you, or vice versa. Either way you're getting laid.

Step 4: Treat cops like the useless pieces of shit they are.

Tell Miranda to fuck herself. You don't need to observe silence because some stupid bitch from Sex and the City says that what you say can be used against you in a court of law. How could they possibly use indistinguishable screams and kicks on the windows of the cop car as evidence against you?

Step 5: Buy anything off of the TV.

An Ab Lounge makes a great addition to your prison cell.

Step 6: Attempt suicide in a half-assed way.

Failed hanging from a coat hanger
Dress up your suicide to look its half-best!
Try to strangle yourself with the decayed old cord you were able to pull off of a disused clothes line. It'll break when you hang yourself and people will pay attention to you. If it doesn't break, then you're dead and you'll never have to care about anything again (if this doesn't seem satirical, please get help). It's a win-win.

Step 7: Mouth off to God.

God doesn't know what he's talking about anyway. He's such a know-it-all bitch. Tell God that we know we're sinners and to get over it. If that doesn't work, threaten God.

Step 8: Tell Satan he's pretty cool.

He's pretty cool and he said he'll make you a special place in hell where 75 virgin sinners will be waiting for you. Plus, he promised that they won't be a collection of Hell Boys and Harry Potter's male fans.

Step 9: Make a Quidditch reference even though you've never read or seen any of Harry Potter.

How could being trapped in hell with 75 nerdy virgins get any worse? It couldn't, so why not just say it. Say, "That reminds me of naked Quidditch." You know you want to.

C'mon, one more:

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm uncomfortable with step seven and eight, mostly because I'm pretty sure I did them in my Christmas article.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Haha. You might end up being one of the virgin nerds.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh, I doubt that highly, unless there are some serious loopholes in the system.


Gavin Pitt's picture

Funny stuff dude. Except of course for the Harry Potter bits, which, as a card-carrying Slytherin, I am obligated to Jinx you for :)

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Thanks for illustrating the failure of even mentioning Harry Potter. Haha.

Gavin Pitt's picture

"Crucio Weijore!" :)

You're an idiot.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Thanks for the feedback. It's an honor to have you, Homer, read anything I've written, even if you draw the conclusion that I'm an idiot.

Note to self: next time be less of an idiot/get smarter.

Mike Lamb's picture

I prefer Virgil and Dante, but Homer is good too.

tdhurst's picture

Are all the commenters in on the joke here?

Gordon Dryfus's picture

This was article was, in part, inspired by you. So at the very least, you are the joke.

I'm glad you decided to illustrate how to fail at making a snarky remark. Your addition is appreciated.

How to Fail at Making A Snarky Remark

Step 1: Ask a leading question that defeats it's own purpose.

In reference to a piece on failure: "Are all the commenters in on the joke here?"

As a hopeful failed commentator, a comment like this will give you the ability to seem as though you have no understanding of the word "all" and also that "commenter" isn't a word. It's good to throw in the word "here" at the end of any sentence. Remember nothing needs to make sense here. The cool thing is that the implication that everyone else failed acts as the "Multiplier of Failure" as you fail miserably. Follow this simple step and you'll be making failed comments all over the place here.

tdhurst's picture

Oh, sorry. I was still laughing.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Laughing for days must be like when you have an erection for more than four hours. You're supposed to see a doctor.

No apology needed.