Step 1: Truly believe that you can't do it.

This is easy. Just look at anything you've ever done. It sucks. You can't talk to that girl who just smiled at you. Give up now before you get hurt. It's better to feel nothing than pain or joy.

Step 2: Medicate yourself until you're numb.

It's better to feel nothing than pain or joy. Plus it's a great excuse for pissing in the corner of your parent's living room/your bedroom.

Step 3: If you're not too drunk or intoxicated, text that chick you've never had the guts to talk to a picture of your dick.

She'll love it. The restraining order will be just her way of playing hard to get. One day she'll creep up on you in the woods when you're jogging and fuck you, or vice versa. Either way you're getting laid.

Step 4: Treat cops like the useless pieces of shit they are.

Tell Miranda to fuck herself. You don't need to observe silence because some stupid bitch from Sex and the City says that what you say can be used against you in a court of law. How could they possibly use indistinguishable screams and kicks on the windows of the cop car as evidence against you?

Step 5: Buy anything off of the TV.

An Ab Lounge makes a great addition to your prison cell.

Step 6: Attempt suicide in a half-assed way.

Failed hanging from a coat hanger
Dress up your suicide to look its half-best!
Try to strangle yourself with the decayed old cord you were able to pull off of a disused clothes line. It'll break when you hang yourself and people will pay attention to you. If it doesn't break, then you're dead and you'll never have to care about anything again (if this doesn't seem satirical, please get help). It's a win-win.

Step 7: Mouth off to God.

God doesn't know what he's talking about anyway. He's such a know-it-all bitch. Tell God that we know we're sinners and to get over it. If that doesn't work, threaten God.

Step 8: Tell Satan he's pretty cool.

He's pretty cool and he said he'll make you a special place in hell where 75 virgin sinners will be waiting for you. Plus, he promised that they won't be a collection of Hell Boys and Harry Potter's male fans.

Step 9: Make a Quidditch reference even though you've never read or seen any of Harry Potter.

How could being trapped in hell with 75 nerdy virgins get any worse? It couldn't, so why not just say it. Say, "That reminds me of naked Quidditch." You know you want to.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.