Hey boo thing.

It’s me, baby, The Sneeze. I don’t know how long it’s been since we last did the dirty deed, and I have spent a heartbreaking several minutes aching over your love. But I kept calling and calling because I knew you could not resist me for long, so I’m glad I ran into you.

If I may just say, I can tell you are feeling up to no good. So why don’t you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and let me rock your world? You heard me right; I’m fixing to make you feel things you have never felt before, right when you blast me straight out of your nose and onto this salad bar’s garbanzo beans.

We both got a taste of that hay fever, so let’s get freaky like when we were young and just getting out of the car a moment ago, and do it right here in front of all these people waiting in line behind you. Come on, what are we waiting for?


Without question, the minutes we've been apart have aged you like a fine wine. Please, if you’ll allow me to tell you, I understand and appreciate your maturity. We don’t have to do it on these garbanzo beans. You’re always right: let’s be safe, smart and use protection. Mama always did say, “Use a sneezeguard.” Fine by me—a little less taboo, but, hey, this ain’t my sneeze.

Oh, baby, baby, come on, don’t skip the rest of the salad bar. I was only trying to be safe. No need to pinch your upper lip. Angel face, just slow down; let me explain. The Sneeze is giving you all the leeway you need; I want us to have a little fun, that’s all.

I see what you are doing. You’re skipping the foreplay and going right for the cashier. If you’ll permit me to tell you, I adore the way your mind works. I wasn’t gonna suggest we go at it on Griselda’s apron, but your sniff is my command.

Look at her reach for that loose change. I think I see my cousin Boogey on that quarter. Come on let’s get Boogey in on this ménage-a-snot.


All right, okay, no cashier. The Sneeze is still here, and The Sneeze is patient my little honey clump. Let’s get cozy and snag a corner booth so I can get frisky with your nose hairs where no one can hear us.

Yes, this one. It’s sensual, just like us. I can tell your mucus membrane isn’t the only brain on you. Just look at that sumptuous, wide-open window. I feel a slight breeze, and I hear a leaf blower coming from up the street. If I catch the right kind of pollen, we can go ten times in a row. Now isn’t that the bee’s sneeze?

Let me tell you something, if you’ll grant me the honor, boo-boo: I can probably provide you with a delectable eighth of an orgasm. So why don’t you quit saying “purple hippopotamus” out loud and succumb to my Siren song? No one will even notice what we did. Nobody has to bless us; we already are.


Cobb salad already done, I see—we're taking this thing back to your place, is that what you’re saying?Well-trodd territory as far as you and I go, but as long as I can stay the night, let’s make it nasty on some doorknobs, just like we did 45 minutes ago. Nothing beats a little midnight allergy attack, now does it?

Wait, honey baby, come on now. Don’t contort your face and stretch your eyebrows to stifle The Sneeze like this. Give me a chance!

Please, look, just do me this one solid—Wait. Shit, baby, really?

You wanna do it now, now? Right in front of all these kids? I knew you were dirty, but damn. Whatever you say. Let me—wait. Hold on—so—ah, holy—goo—fu—Here I come, baby, no stoppin’ me now!

‘Tchew!

Damn, that was sexy… Wow.

It felt so wrong not to do it in your elbow, but that is precisely why it felt so damn right. I sincerely hope that was as good for you as it was for me


Well listen, my boo thing, I really enjoyed this evening, but, I, uh, don’t think I’m gonna make it back to your place tonight. I hope you don’t mind, but I forgot I have to take care off some stuff. You know.

You have a ride home, right?

All right. So, uh, I’m gonna run.

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