Things I REALLY Learned in College

Everyone has, at one time or another, seen, possibly even read, one of those "things I learned in college" articles. Whether it was on a random drunken stroll through some previously uncharted residence building, or duct taped to a friend’s door, these things are pretty common. But the vague ruminations posted on these lists don’t do the college experience justice. Sure, you may have learned some of that stuff, but it’s pretty damn obvious stuff. Like when there’s some giveaway on campus, and the lists say "free things served at 10:00am will be gone by 9:50." No shit. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that free stuff is a guaranteed student attraction.

So, with that in mind, I give you a true, honest list of the real things I learned in my first year away from home.

Hindsight is a double-edged sword: Growing bitter and cynical is a fact of college life. Looking back, there is always something you wish you had, or hadn’t, done in that one moment. You torture yourself over the "what-ifs," and think that you would somehow have been better off if you had done this, that, or the other. Newsflash: history is just that, history. Who gives a rat’s ass if you screwed up a guaranteed hookup, or failed to realize a sure thing in front of your face? All you can do now is sit in your chair, probably at your parents' house in the summer (like now), and recap all the bullshit. It may piss you off that you screwed things up pretty bad, but at least now your bitterness has given you insight. And hopefully your stupid ass won’t make the same mistake again. I mean, for god’s sake it was right in front of you, idiot.

Nicknames stick: If you develop some kind of character trait early on, chances are a nickname will emerge and stick harder than a police record. If the nickname sucks, well you better be the laidback type, because you’re going to be ragged on 24/7 from now on until they give up. Your best bet is to act like you don’t care, or punch every person who perpetuates it. Either way, you’d better get that bottle of rye so you can drink ‘til you forget.

You can’t be friends with everyone on your residence floor: Fact of life, my friend. Everyone tries to make friends with the people on the floor so they have someone to hang out with. But there’s always going to be those few you want to see hurt badly. No use in avoiding it. Either it’s their personality, or yours. Scratch that, it’s theirs. Just don’t drink too much go-go juice one night and get the confidence to finally tell the asshole down the hall why you don’t like his face, especially in front of a crowd with no shirt on. It sucks.

Don’t try and show off your drinking skills: For every person who thinks they can drink most people under the table, there are at least 50 others near you who are booze sponges. Don’t challenge new people to drinking contests, or profess your well-honed drinking skills publicly or your pride will get a swift kick in the goolies (and by that I mean your nards). The end result will be either: a) you puke like crazy, b) you pass out and suffer the embarrassment later, c) you black out completely and wake up to a nice shaming demonstration, or d) you kill your liver and end up getting a tube shoved up your wang and another down your throat to pump out all the cheap vodka you drank.

Don’t go out of your way to piss off someone for fun: You never know if that scrawny kid down the hall has a black belt in jiu-jitsu, or that kid who likes lacrosse is really on the varsity team and could beat the living shit out of you if he really felt like it. Besides, nobody likes an asshole (except some women, but I’m not going there).

Anyhow, don’t beat yourself up (and no, I don’t mean like that). With all the stuff you’ve just learned, hopefully you can hookup with a real woman, or women, and restore balance to the Force. But most of all, don't become an idiot like me.