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Anti-Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris, about to get his ass kicked.

Chuck Norris has vulnerabilities too.

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Chuck Norris Fearers - Angry hatemail from fearful Chuck fans.
 Move Over, Chuck Norris - Future prospects for mockery.
Top 10 Facts - Chuck Norris' ultimate vulnerabilities.
Submit a Fact - Share the weaknesses you know about Chuck Norris.

Newest Facts:

Chuck Norris has seen more black cock than a KFC urinal.

Chuck Norris taught caterpillars how to turn into butterflies.

Chuck Norris never learned to swim because his family's gene pool was too small.

Chuck Norris once attempted round house kicking Jet Li. His leg broke when it connected with the television, then he fell and broke his hip.

Chuck Norris tried to touch MC Hammer, but got burned.

The devil wears Prada. Chuck Norris made him.

Chuck Norris' brain cells cure cancer... too bad he doesn't have a brain.

Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie "Dodgeball" on the grounds that he doesn't like to dodge balls—he prefers to have them resting on his chin.

When Chuck Norris has sex with men, it's not because he ran out of women, but because women couldn't find his penis when he wanted to have sex with them.

Chuck Norris was the one who took a bite out of the Apple logo. Not because he was hungry, but because he hates Macs.

When Chuck Norris completes a push-up, he does not actually move all the way down, it's the Earth moving up and punching him in the face.

Chuck Norris has been confused with Santa Clause, because whenever he enters a little boy's room he leaves with an empty sack.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' penis is so small that when he has an orgasm the sperm are released in a single file line.

Chuck Norris says "I am... I mean, you are what you eat, dick."

Chuck Norris wears a size 2 ballet slipper.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. During his stay he was arrested while attempting to have sexual intercourse with an island.

Chuck Norris called "all-time crush" on Leif Garrett.

Chuck Norris beats off to "Pretty in Pink" three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.

Rice cakes go straight to Chuck Norris' thighs.

Chuck Norris claims he is "Ms. New Booty."

Chuck Norris experiences heavy flow on account of his wide-set vagina.

Chuck Norris shaves emoticons into his pubic hair.

Chuck Norris' beard is actually a merkin. He can't function without a man's pubes on his face.

Chuck Norris always judges a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris always sleeps 8 hours a night, and can be caught cat-napping several times a day.

If you bother Chuck Norris during Grey's Anatomy he'll, like, totally be pissed at you for weeks.

Chuck Norris and the Total Gym sold out for the same reason: they're both CHEAP.

Chuck Norris loves to strike up meaningless conversations with single mothers long enough to finish his Virginia Slim cigarette, put it out in the child's eye, and run away.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa her smile. It happened when she saw Chuck naked.

It was reported that Chuck Norris had given millions of dollars to AIDS research. After a thorough investigation, the reports were found to be false because Chuck had actually said, "I've given millions AIDS."

Chuck Norris was fired and arrested from his job at a Dallas Texas school after a video showed him smelling the football players jock straps. He was taken into custody oddly enough by a real Texas Ranger named Walker.

Chuck Norris is trying to bring back the "fanny pack."

Top 10 Anti-Chuck Norris Facts

1. Chuck Norris' semen cures cancer. Too bad he has AIDS.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.

3. Chuck Norris is currently suing ABC, claiming Hope & Faith are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is diarrhea.

5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may not realize how much he's actually aged.

6. Chuck Norris attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn't know where to start.

7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the chance of success. Chuck Norris wanders around aimlessly with a gun.

8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK-47. The gun. It is compatible only with bullets. Chuck Norris is full of holes.

9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Grand Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man drives a fucking Jeep.


10. In fine print on the last page of the Farmers' Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Chuck Norris, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.

11. There is a double chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. No wonder he doesn't shave.

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