Coach Johnson has Damien slotted to take the hill today, and his extremely careless decision is truly a slap in the face to the other talented pitchers on the squad.

Does Coach Johnson not even realize the kind of pressure that is on these kids to win the Instructional League Under-10 Championship?

He seems completely willing to jeopardize the season by having my stepson Damien, noted for embarrassingly once giving up 8 runs in a half inning, take the mound. I remember the game like it was yesterday, watching launched home runs that were more up in the air than my current marriage to his mother.

Below are five pitchers that would make much better options, and I have plenty of other team fathers to back me up on this.

(I, of course, am not able to attend the game because apparently telling an opposing 9-year-old second baseman to “suck shit” is “frowned upon” by “most grown adults.” I will be graciously sitting at the Starbucks across the street from the field getting scoring updates from my unpaid intern Marcus, who will be cleverly disguised in a mustache and “Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band 1978 Tour” t-shirt.)

1. Travis Nelson

Great fastball, solid attitude and keeps his shoes tied.

ERA: 3.2
Strikeouts: 15
Crush: Katy Johnson
Bedtime: 9:00PM
Can I whoop his Dad’s ass? No question I fucking can.


2. Bill Buehler

Can throw changeup, doesn’t cry, hot mom.

ERA: 4.1
Strikeouts: 11
Crush: Travis Nelson (uhh oh)
Bedtime: 9:30PM
Can I whoop his Dad’s ass? No fucking way. The guy is a Marine.

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3. Hank Nasserbakht

Not afraid to throw inside, hard worker, always wears cup.

ERA: 2.7
Strikeouts: 14
Crush: Katie Ennis
Bedtime: Mom is dead so he doesn’t have one
Can I whoop his Dad’s ass? His Dad is dead too, so yes.


4. Mitch Kailin

Badass, can throw a curve, told me to “fuck off” once.

ERA: 1.9
Strikeouts: 21
Crush: Anything that fucking moves
Bedtime: Yeah right…..
Can I whoop his Dad’s ass? I think it would be a good fight and I would probably lose if I was sober but if I was drunk it would be a closer fight but I would probably lose too.


5. Derek Bryant

The Jim Abbott of Northbrook, Illinois Instructional League Baseball. He has both hands but he was born with one eye. Most batters are so disgusted with his disfigurement that they purposely strike themselves out in order to stop looking at his face.

ERA: 1.4
Crush: Denise (my stepdaughter)
Bedtime: 9:30PM
Can I whoop his Dad’s ass? Not even going to waste my time with this. Yes. Absolutely yes.

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