1. The golden rule: never pay for it. Heaving out money is a sign of defeat to the porn world. Wank before you bank.

2. Celebrate when you see a penis smaller than your own. Depending on the website and your own dimensions, this can either be rare or surprisingly commonplace. Letting out a small whoop keeps your spirits up and helps you convince yourself that you will find a lady friend to help bash your bishop.

3. If you ever see the phrase "two girls one cup" or "one man one jar" on a website, it’s time to find a new one. Anyone that’s had the displeasure of viewing these monstrously disgusting productions will always feel a bit uneasy when eating chocolate ice cream, or when sticking a jar up their ass (c’mon, we’ve all tried it).

4. If animals are involved, you’ve gone too far. It’s possible to get back to the glory days of human porn if you’ve only watched one or two videos where a lizard or a hairless beaver has been involved, but when a horse or pig have been doing the no-pants-dance, seek immediate help from a professional.

5. Avoid pure masturbation videos as, let’s face it, a vagina on its own isn’t the greatest sight. Some look like a sun-dried tomato that has been left out in the sun for too long, others like a speared catfish; either way, you need a dick to complete the metaphorical jigsaw puzzle.

Guy watching porn through a sweater over computer monitor
Porn at work: NSFAnyone.
6. Use headphones, and only use one earpiece. This means you can crank up the moans and cries as loud as you want, and still hear anyone interrupting your whomping willow session.

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7. YouTube is a no-go area. At best, you’ll find a slideshow with a tiny bit of nipple on display, and at worst, an animation involving a humping storm trooper.

8. Two men and one girl is NEVER okay! If you watch these videos, you’ve fallen down the slippery slope towards two guys and no girl, accidentally turning yourself gay, the porn addict’s worst nightmare.

9. Avoid videos where the guy groans too much. I doubt even women enjoy that sound, as the sound of a man ejaculating is about as subtle and romantic as a rhino wrestling an elephant. Write a strongly worded email to the site you found it on, use a suitable pseudonym like "Ultimatewanker69" or "mesohornymeloveanyonelongtime,noreally,anyonewilldo,Imsolonely"

10. Check out as many sites as possible; travel broadens the mind. You want to visit the unknown depths of East Africa (fist fucking), the communist rule of China (toe fucking) and of course, the sunny delights of Central Australia (five girls, five guys, no orifices unfilled).

Signed,
Hawn. E. Bar. Stard

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