It’s an Honor to Be Your Band-Aid on This Momentous Vaccination Day!
I always dreamed of big things, like covering a knife cut on Mark Bittman’s finger, or a scrape on Usain Bolt’s leg, or being forgotten in Beyonce’s purse.
Tag: Trash
I Turned My Bushwick Studio Apartment into an Indie Concert Venue During the Pandemic
I joined roommate Jonathan in his habit of peeing directly on the floor, giving it the sticky coating and glossy sheen I’m used to seeing at venues.
No, I Won’t Stop Dumping Trash on Your Lawn
It is not my fault that your son got a splinter from the demolished wood pieces that I judiciously donated to your lawn.
I Am the Raccoon Who Lives in Your Trash and We Need to Talk about Your Diet
And your chicken nuggets are shaped like Shrek. How old are these things? They haven’t promoted a Shrek movie since 2010.
I, The Sponge You’ve Had for Five Years, Am Officially Resigning
My figure has been reduced to that of a motel pillow and my once royal blue color has deteriorated to a baby blue at best.
I’m Not Pretentious, Unless It’s about Flavored Seltzer Water
Wow! A flavor of La Croix that I have never seen before! What marvel! What majesty! Bacchus blessed us with peaches and pears.
Junk Drawers of History
Albert Einstein - Pencils. No erasers. News clippings explaining Relativity in wrong but hilariously wrong ways. Address book of actual relatives.
Could I Interest You in Bigfoot Insurance?
These uncovered trash bins might as well be a Bigfoot buffet. And one Bigfoot taking a dip in your pool will permanently clog the filter with hair.
All Hail Aegeus II, the New Vermin Overlord of What Used to Be My Apartment
Long Live Supreme Leader Aegeus! May your light forever shine over your kingdom that is this fifth-floor walk up!
I Like My Architectural Design Like I Like My Leaders: Dictatorial
“What has become of our once beautiful nation?” I wondered, disgusted at the angular walls and ceilings that lead the eye into unexpected spaces.
Are These Family Gifts Third-Party Seller Garbage, or Legit Holiday Treasure?
Was the Fanny Fay Fruit Cake Great Grandma Wrapped Up and Brought to Dinner from a bakery trash can or Fanny Fay Old Folks Home’s Charity Bake Sale?
Ice Cream Flavors That Accurately Represent a New York Summer
Beach Dreams Unfulfilled Tropical Cherry – A fruity favorite to remind you that you’re too funemployed to escape or go to Hawaii this summer.