Ice Cream Flavors That Accurately Represent a New York Summer
Beach Dreams Unfulfilled Tropical Cherry – A fruity favorite to remind you that you’re too funemployed to escape or go to Hawaii this summer.
Tag: Trash
New York Rats Are Writing Cover Letters Now? This Needs to Stop
"I don’t have any fancy degrees. I’ve never read Murakami. I’ve never read anything, actually. I can’t speak English and I’ve bitten people."
I Thought I Loved Derrick to the Moon and Back, But We Still Have 318,000 Miles Left in This Voyage and I Think I Might Kill Him
I thought space was going to be the most romantic time of our 10-month relationship. That’s why I got three new rompers and a bikini wax.
One Scintillating Detail You Can Share With Your Date About Each of the Books On Your Bookshelf That You Haven’t Actually Read
What do we mean when we say that we’ve “read a book?” Do we mean that we've purchased the book, never cracked it, and had forgotten it existed?
Today’s the Day We Finally Fulfill Those New Year’s Resolutions!
Breakfast is key. I’m thinking an egg white omelette, a couple slices of toast with peanut butter—wait where did you find a Gogurt?
What to Do When Your Second-Grader Brings Home Bad Artwork
Now that you’ve sufficiently tortured your sweet angel for the past hour, make him watch as you make your own macaroni artwork.
Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Our Controversially Heavy Weighted Blankets
"I dropped my Heavy Sleeper XXL Weighted Blanket on my foot & broke several bones." How wonderfully whimsical! We are not responsible for any damage.
Holiday Season Tipping Etiquette For 2018
BARBER: It is customary to tip your barber $15 for each person who complimented your haircut and then immediately had sex with you.
Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member
The only drawback I can see here is that aluminum crumples up, so you’re going to want to make sure you don’t accidentally sit on your aluminum gun.
Bro, It’s Okay to Cry, Bro
What’s that word? Apathy? I was apathy, bro. No, wait, empathy. I was empathy. My bad ha!
I Read Your Guidelines, But I’m Submitting This Piece That Clearly Isn’t a Fit for Your Publication Because, Well, Just Read It and You’ll See Why
It's basically the best thing since Gravity's Rainbow. Think of it sort of as Infinite Jest but more like Pirates of the Caribbean and with robots.
I’m the Pharaoh of This House and Therefore Must Be Buried in My Man-Cave
Supposedly, the journey to the after-life is long. And so, I’ll need my grill and some prime-ass steaks for the long ride.