<p>It's not you, it's me. Just kidding, it's you. You've been holding me back. I have inspirations, I have dreams! There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies. It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything. It'll be easier without you. I have to do things on my own
'A Totally Non-Fiction Sketch That Has Never Happened to Me, Ever.' Drew meets his friends Carly and Sam for some advice about a girl he has a crush on. What he doesn't know is that they got really high beforehand.
911 OPERATOR: Ma'am, did you mean you literally broken a glass ceiling or you metaphorically broke “the glass ceiling” by becoming a woman in power?
Dear Humans, If you wouldn’t mind, could you please do me one favor: Stop yelling my name during sex. At first it was kind of flattering, but now it’s just ridiculous, and completely distracting.
Don't look now, but the next time you see a rainbow, it may have gone Green. Riding record profits and a revamped public image, Green has announced a takeover bid.
A county judge has to use his intellect and sense of decency and fairness to decide important issues facing people's destinies. That's why I have decided to run for this judgeship.
Ulysses S. Grant responds to Jefferson Davis' threats of a renewed Separatist Movement in the South by getting drunk, riding straight to South Carolina and challenging him to a duel. But not before passing out in his own vomit.
Dear Boss, I have a confession to make. I probably should have told you a long time ago before things got out of hand: I've been taking steroids every day on the job since Day 1 (and before the job during our interviews).
Mr. Cook, I can no longer sit back while your egregious blunders defame the good name of those around you. Especially the illustrious Dennis Rodman.
Throughout my life I have had many goals: soccer player, good student, drummer, gym teacher, guy who toasts bagels, etc. But I now see my life as having been misguided because now I know for sure that I seriously can't wait to break your arm.
Dear Timothy Williams, we regret to inform you that your wish will remain just that: a wish. And wishes don’t come true, Little Timmy. Hey, life is unfair.
There's a new breed of Brazilian supermodel warriors who actually read and study something other than women's magazines--computer programming and existential thought to be precise.