Did You Forget Your Password, You Stupid Bitch?
Security question: What is your maternal grandmother’s first name? We know you paused to remember which side maternal is, you unlearned horse’s ass.
Tag: Satire
Ponce de León: I Only Want to Find the Fountain of Youth to Enjoy the “Kids Eat Free on Wednesdays” Deal At My Favorite Restaurant
Conquistadors have an old saying: discovering a place makes you that place’s Mom/Dad. Why should Florida’s Dad have to pay $14 for his favorite meal?
This Shapely Perfume Bottle is Hotter Than Me
Yet another advantage she has over me and my perpetually degrading corporeal being that needs stupid shit like food and water and exercise and love.
If You Turn Into a Werewolf During a Parent-Teacher Conference
If you cannot make it home to your reinforced "Doom Room", attempt to run toward the nearest forest or wooded area.
Letters Home From a World War One Fuck Boy
Apparently, we were supposed to defend against an incoming force. But what were we supposed to do, not go party? Saturdays are for the boys!
I, Space Godzilla, Am The Masked Singer
Some of my fans may have guessed who I was when I sang “Roar” by Katy Perry. No matter how much I practiced, I couldn’t hold in my signature screech.
Is Kirsten Gillibrand Likeable, Tough, Driven, Soapy, and Metallic Enough? Or Is She Too Glittering, Muscular, Serpentine, and Tangy?
I harbor serious doubts whether Gillibrand has the fortitude, charisma, hunkiness, and vertical leap necessary to win the electoral college.
New Weed Strains for Everyday Stress Relief
"Pinebrook Elementary Concert featuring Miss Doherty’s 3rd-grade choir singing a 2-hour rendition of The Pirates of Penzance" [THC: 34%]
“Bohemian Rhapsody” Trivia
Within the first thirty seconds, there is a close-up of a microphone. This quickly establishes that this is a singing movie, about big singers.
This Year’s Best Picture Nominees Ranked by How Much My Son Resents My New Girlfriend
When my girlfriend tried to talk with my son, he kept referring to her as “replacement mommy” while jumping up and down pretending to be Peter Rabbit.
My Mother Watches the Oscars With Me
Oh, Christian Bale, nominated for playing a 60-year-old man with a potbelly who only thinks about himself. Your father could have played that role.
Teen Magazine Quizzes for Adults
Which teen heartthrob is the spitting image of someone you went to high school with but you can’t place? He definitely looks like someone… but who?