Dos and Don’ts of Investing in Oil Right Now
DO invest in companies exploring alternative energy, such as General Electric (GE), Chevron (CVX), and my cousin’s cannabis farm, WEEDENERGY.
Tag: Satire
Miranda Rights? Come On, This Guy Is Such a Samantha
“You have the right to remain sexy, no matter how indeterminately older you are than your circle of close friends.” It’s just a number, people!
Impossibly Obscure TV Shows to Binge When, Oh God, You’ve Watched Literally Everything Else
The Altos (Ask Jeeves Deluxe): If Riverdale is Twin Peaks for teens, then The Altos is The Sopranos for people who barely know what television is.
The Women Modifying Workouts in Your Exercise Videos Are Unionizing
We will make our own at-home exercises—ones that won’t make you want to lay on your floor begging God or Satan for a moment of relief.
The Unfortunate Consequences of My Writing During the Time of COVID-19
Banners will fly, in all major cities, bearing my image and a few of my most famous words. There are so many.
I, The Sponge You’ve Had for Five Years, Am Officially Resigning
My figure has been reduced to that of a motel pillow and my once royal blue color has deteriorated to a baby blue at best.
Shelter-in-Place Shakespeare
KING LEAR How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child. Away, away! GONERIL I literally cannot leave.
I Fear That, Due to Climate Change, There May Never Be Another 4/20/69
As everyone knows, 4/20/69 is the funniest possible date. After all, 420 is the weed thing and 69 is the sex thing. Imagine them... Combined!
Top-Rated Pastas to Eat at Home Alone During a Messy Divorce
You could try to explain bronze die-cut milling and how it creates a unique texture for holding sauce better, but there’s no need. Susan left you.
Update to the Henchman Health and Benefits Plan
Gold Plus-tier now has copay-free pharmaceuticals to treat any gases or poisons accidentally released from the many easily accessible air vents.
Eating for the Stage and Screen
Everyone, take a look at Paula. Notice the thousand-yard stare in her eyes as she chews? See how she’s chewing on just the one side of her mouth?
Subscription Boxes of the Wild West
We accept many forms of currency, including gold bars, silver pesos, and buried treasure, provided it is accompanied by a map.