Prescriptions for Thy Modern Maladies From Me, A Plague Doctor
Phone Addiction: In the pocket where ye usually keep your phone, keep instead a hairy, spindle-shanked, venomous spider. Incur bites until cured.
Tag: Pain
Sorry, Your Fire Insurance Doesn’t Cover Fire Damage
I empathetically understand why you think your house burned down, but technically it was destroyed and not “burned down.” This difference does matter.
Camp Hope Hope Hooray! A Summer Day Camp for Middle-Aged Adults
If just reading about outdoor activities like zip lining, kayaking, and rock climbing makes you groan, you’ll love Cinema Binge.
Updates From Your Facebook Group “Here’s To Your Health Anxiety”
After extensive testing of my symptoms by repeated Googling for “huge lumps neck cancer dying,” I’ve been self-diagnosed with a very rare tumor.
I Am an ICE Guard and I Sleep Very Well Through My Night Terrors, Thank You
Knowing that I did my part to separate a four-year-old from his mother with no plan or intent to reunite them, I can nod off shortly after vomiting.
If Fighting Climate Change Means Slowing Down the Surging Wild Pig Population, Count Me Out
Good news… feral pigs are now in 39 states. Thank you, climate change! You spoil us with this superabundance of invasive swines.
There’s a Monster Living in My Butt and He Won’t Let Me Eat Dairy
He sounded just like Danny DeVito. He spun in a circle three times fast and jumped right back up in my butt-hole. I didn't even feel it.
Must-See Second-Rate National Heritage Sites for Your Next Roadtrip
Battlefield Of Nothing Special: where our nation’s soldiers duked it out for no good reason, and left a legacy that no one can put their finger on.
Emeline, Please Respond, For the Squid’s Power Only Grows
An orange squid has entered my dreams, watching me practice my ascending spin and barrel sculls with languid disinterest. I cannot banish him.
FAQ: How Our Company Will Change Under the Leadership of the Mysterious, Cloaked Men
Q; What happened to Leonard? A: Leonard was catapulted through a vibrating and glowing door frame into a space between dimensions.
What Your Smoke Alarm is Really Trying to Say
Three slower, sarcastic beeps: Random malfunction with tons of rhyme and reason, none of which will be revealed to you or any professional electrician.
How Bugs Kill Themselves
I know this is sugarcoated for the sake of elementary school curriculums but caterpillars do not transform into butterflies. They die in there.