The Late Capitalist Horror of Mary Shelley’s Franken-Frappuccino
It agitated its shimmery surface, and with a convulsive motion, sprang to life. “BEHOLD, I AM THE TYE-DIE FRAPPUCCINO,” it roared.
Tag: Pain
Escape Room Mission Report for Susan’s 16th Birthday Party
When Lisa got bored and snuck a peek at the cobwebs, Julie told everyone about Lisa’s crush on your dandruffy history teacher.
As an Old and Bitter Movie Critic, I’m Finding Third-Act Problems in My Own Life
My life—the sophomore outing by parents William and Eloise Cunningham—begins confidently enough in suburban Nebraska.
How to Plan Your Totally Jacked, DIY Vasectomy
1. Avoid the hospital. Doctors are for women, children, and Abercrombie & Fitch shoppers. You’re a man with capable hands and DIY spirit.
An Apology for Not Drinking at the Party Last Night
Waking up this morning without a hangover was a total bummer, and I fully regret making a conscious decision to do so.
The Reality of Getting an IUD: A Timeline
3:40 PM: It’s fine. I’M FINE. I’ll find a partner someday. This is worth it. A few moments of pain, 10 years of no child-birth. That’s the trade-off.
Dear Employees: Please Fill Out Fortune’s “Best Companies to Work For in 2019” Survey, or You Will Be Tossed Into the Fiery Lava Pit
The new Boiling Lava Pit contains molten volcanic lava from the island of Heimaey, because here at DigiTech --- Authenticity Matters ©.
I’m Not Like Other Girls, I’m a Reptilian Agent Sent to Destroy Humankind
I don’t dress for the male gaze. I dress to cover my biohazardous innards so no one detects I’m a heat-seeking scaled creature.
If Google is Serious About Regaining Our Trust, It Must Start by Offering Alternative Ways to Torture the Small Yellow Man in Google Maps
The Google Maps user demands options, from dangling the man above a pack of wild dogs, to launching him across the Bering Strait in a slingshot.
Thank You for Your Grace in Accepting My Debit Card, Though My Purchase was Below the Card Minimum
I reached for my wallet and peeled back its innards in vain, knowing well and good I was, in fact, cashless.
Strong Female Leads I Could Absolutely Destroy at Arm Wrestling
Critics and moviegoers alike were enamored by Amy Adams’s "Arrival," but Amy should be fearing my arrival should she agree to face off arm vs. arm.
Junior Level Wonka.com Hacker Secrets Revealed
I wasn’t ever good enough to win a high score, but I found my satisfaction in changing these poor kids’ passwords so they could never log in and play.