Pain | Page 15 | Points in Case

Tag: Pain

Security question: What is your maternal grandmother’s first name? We know you paused to remember which side maternal is, you unlearned horse’s ass.

Conquistadors have an old saying: discovering a place makes you that place’s Mom/Dad. Why should Florida’s Dad have to pay $14 for his favorite meal?

"Pinebrook Elementary Concert featuring Miss Doherty’s 3rd-grade choir singing a 2-hour rendition of The Pirates of Penzance" [THC: 34%]

How is communicating in sign language, walking on sand trails, or keeping your children in soundproof rooms, really that different from recycling?

You're enjoying this, aren't you? You’re the kind of person who kneads dough for an unnecessarily long time to be sure the yeasts can't escape.

“I’m not racist,” I say, laughing. “The first guy who sexually assaulted me was white.”

Putting yourself into extremely dangerous situations isn't a sin. If you survive, your life is more exciting, but if you die, Jesus will be waiting.

I arrived home to my apartment, fresh groceries in hand (despite the fact that I am never seen cooking, talking about food, or eating).

Look in vain for a menu, it is torn and stained with tears. There are no specials, ever, only monotonous offerings of tasteless food.

What kind of monster doesn’t enjoy flannel? As blue gingham is to spring and summer, flannel is to your fall and winter Tinder photos.

The Musician: This Jason Mraz-wannabe thought this mic was for music, but ended up in a cafe full of comedians and stuck it out for some reason.

You probably want to spend one episode on how I was a loving husband and good friend who did nothing to deserve this, whatever "this" ends up being.