An Open Letter to Jay-Z and Beyoncé, My Roommates’ Neglected Cats
At night you claw at my door to let you in, hoping in vain that you might find more affection from me. It's become too much really.
Tag: Open Letters
An Open Letter to People Who Do Not Put PowerPoints into Presentation Mode
Are you afraid that some sort of natural disaster will happen if you can’t always see which slide is on deck? What IS IT exactly that you have against presentation mode?
Letters for Hot Babes
By now you should know all 26 letters of the alphabet, some of which conjure up images of hot women. Consider these eight letters, and their relationship to women.
An Open Letter to Filmmakers from a Critic
You filmmakers always say the same thing: "Make your own film if you're such an expert!" Well guess what, I don't NEED to. I have snark and a cultural studies degree.
An Open Letter to All the Ungrateful Animals I’ve Rescued
I could have easily crushed you. At no time did you outwit me or save yourself. If I wanted to I could have passed you by and let nature take its course, but I didn’t.
Death Responds to His Performance Review at Thompson and Griffin Funeral Home
It's not that I don't feel valued here, it's just that I want my value to be more externally expressed. I feel this place has gotten more life-affirming over the years.
An Open Letter to the West Towne Mall Jeweler with the Same Last Name as Me
When I spied your "Frederick Asmus" nametag I nearly dropped my Auntie Anne's Roasted Garlic & Parmesan pretzel out of joy. I knew you would want to hear my story.
A Letter from Your Hangover
I want you to feel me in every inch of your body until you lose all sense of logic, and the usual minutiae of lazy Sundays goes out the window.
Dear Admiral Ackbar, Please Stop Torturing Us with the Trap Joke
Listen Admiral Ackbar, we all agree you're doing a super job as admiral, but we'd appreciate it if you could stop yelling "It's a trap!" for the rest of the hunting trip.
An Open Letter to the Kid Who Wears a John Belushi “College” Sweatshirt on the First Day of Classes
We all know that the DVD copy of Animal House that you brought to college was given to you as a present by your younger sister the day before you left.
An Open Letter from Bill Cosby’s Sweater
I’m here because I also have a relationship with the public, outside of Bill Cosby the human, and I have to ask you all one question: We're still cool, right?
Welcome to the Fleshlight Family!
Thanks to customers like you, we are proving that there is no point in using your hand when you can put your dick directly into a silicone tube.