I Can’t Get Rid of the Sunglasses That Make Me See How Everyone Will Die Because the Cashier at 7-Eleven Complimented Them
What if I get a new pair and instead of being bitchin’ as hell, they are just bitchin’? Or worse: not bitchin’ at all.
Tag: Neighbors
An Open Letter to Greedy Los Angeles Homeowners
We are keen to invest three decades of savings into your property and excited to put in our offer after looking for the perfect teardown for so long.
We are the Early Gentrifiers of This Neighborhood and We are Pissed!
Before you arrived, there was a vibrant community of immigrants from a country in Eastern Europe whose name is escaping me at the moment.
The Real April Fool Is My Bad Son Jerome
I bought him that can opener as a gift to use on Boy Scout trips and he mocks me by spelling swears in alphabet soup on our counter!
I’m a Die-Hard Conservative, But If You Build a Border Wall, Our Texas Town Will Be Massacred By Wolves
Everyone knows I’m a patriot, but being eaten by a pack of mega-wolves with no natural predators ain’t exactly dying for your country.
An Asshole Tries to Fight a Fire
The jar banged off the window and now burning, fancy French grease is everywhere! Thank you Vicky! Thank you so much for closing all the windows!
Yelp Reviews of Cemeteries from Actual Residents
The grass is sparse and mowed sporadically at best, and the soil tastes flat. The view is fine, but nearby freeway noise is deafening.
To the Guy Blowing Drunkenly into a Harmonica at 2:30 AM: How are You So Bad at This?
Here's the truth, "Harmonica Guy": I don't feel sorry for myself or my neighbors subjected to this audial torture, I feel sorry for the harmonica!
An Open Apology to Fellow “Justice League” Viewers Who Heard Me Explain How I’d “Treat Superman Right”
I realize that ruining the sacred post-blockbuster cinema space with comments on the beauty of the most beautiful man in the galaxy was wrong.
20 Signs You May Be Dealing with Trick-or-Treaters Who Are a Little Too Old for This Shit
"Why, back in my day, we had to walk 50 miles through the snow just to get gruel and hardtack. Got any medical appliances?"
An Open Letter to My Neighbors Who Insist on Hanging a Scary Clown Decoration from a Tree Over the Sidewalk Every October
I'm not going to say that the clown is FRIGHTENING, since I'm an adult and being afraid of a Halloween decoration would be silly. But take it down, ok?
How Parents Set Babysitters Up for Failure
As a community service, allow me to dive into some hour-by-hour trends I’ve noted on the typical Friday night babysit, with a few tips for dealing with those trends.