Natural Killers: A Message from an Environmentally-Conscious NRA Member
The only drawback I can see here is that aluminum crumples up, so you’re going to want to make sure you don’t accidentally sit on your aluminum gun.
Tag: Life
Your Horoscope Based on the Demon That Has Possessed Your Body
Once again it is that time of year when the hosts of Solvil go absolutely crazy. Everyone has that time of year where they just lose control!
Six Ways I Want Dwanye “The Rock” Johnson to Crush Me
In a handshake between him and a fellow Ballers star. Dwayne would gently cradle you in his palm before pressing you into the hand of Rob Corddry.
I Am a Funny, Funny Book in a Barnes & Noble Display and I Want to Be With Your Niece
Let me guess: 21? Barnard student? Appears edgy at holidays, but how edgy? You wouldn't know. Perhaps... I can help.
DMs to a Young Influencer
I’m not ignoring your DMs, young influencer, it’s that I am seeing what content-oceans you swim to on your own. With isolation comes solitude.
Who Watches Your Instagram Stories at Night
Your mom; Dude you haven't seen since elementary school---didn’t he go to jail?; Memorial account for your deceased friend.
Now That the House is Democratic, I’m Turning My Life Around
I will not be completely terrified every time I see a white man wearing a red hat. All my lunches will be Soylent.
I Believe in the Rehabilitation of the Child I’m Asking You to Sentence to Life Without Parole
I’m not asking you to think about “scientific evidence” or “UN sanctions.” I’m asking you to incarcerate this child with your heart, like an American.
’80s & ’90s Pop Anthems Updated for 2018
“Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey: "Just a small town girl living in a lonely world/She’ll drive your Uber from here to anywhere"
The Key to Success Here is Talking for Talking’s Sake
My advice is to ask her about her Fitbit as soon as possible, and then to make it a daily routine to inquire about her step count.
Bro, It’s Okay to Cry, Bro
What’s that word? Apathy? I was apathy, bro. No, wait, empathy. I was empathy. My bad ha!
The Secret to Marriage
Don't dwell on your decision to crush that hitchhiker’s skull after listening to your partner suck lettuce from their molar for the last seven exits.