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Tag: Houses

This residency is fully funded and exists in an alternate universe where the words fully funded do not mean we give you funds.

He has a visible tattoo of Tim Allen playing billiards with Tim Allen. (The second Tim Allen had red glowing eyes. He kept calling him “Dark Tim.”)

Redoing my will tomorrow. I may need your social security number. Don’t text it! / I just watched Get Out. Excellent.

Just a short walk to the train: The nearest subway stop is a mile away and trains don’t stop there on weekends.

I'm using my little green thumb to turn up the thermostat and the humidifier at the same time. Now I'm using both hands.

Wrap yourself from the neck down in Saran Wrap, and then ask a friend to spray lukewarm water between you and the plastic with a garden hose.

I caught him watching old episodes of Scooby-Doo and scribbling in a notebook. He was mumbling things like, “Oooh, that’s a good one to plagiarize.”

Heat almond milk to a tepid temperature. Look around your little get together and remind guests that it is 9:01 PM on Saturday and it’s getting late.

Instead of buying a latte, deposit $5,000 in an IRA. Do that every single day and within less than a year you’ll have nearly a million dollars!

I am also sorry for not leaving when you all walked in, immediately noticed me, and asked me to leave. That was wrong, and I am sorry.

He repeated it while scribbling notes, carefully making sure he’d heard me correctly. “So you get home. The floor is lava. You take a shower?”

It would really mean a lot if I could come in and see where she … ended up. Sorry, looks like I’m interrupting book club.