The Lemon Water You Drank in an Attempt to Detox Needs Back-Up
Lemon Water (8:25 AM): This is lemon water do you copy?! We have reached the epicenter of your gut.
Tag: Horror
Stop Giving TV Shows Confusing Names and Use My Much Better Ones Instead
"West World" This title could not be more vague. West? World? You’ve lost me. Improved Title: "Beep Boop Yeehaw"
How I Became an Instagram Influencer after the Zombie Apocalypse
Honestly, rediscovering Instagram after dying and reanimating as the insatiable undead has really put me in touch with my humanity again.
Why You Never Ask Strangers in the Elevator If They Want to Get Drinks
“I served two tours in Afghanistan,” one woman said, “and I just thank God I never experienced anything like the horror you’re describing.”
A Nightmare at the Abandoned Circuit City
“FIFTY PERCENT OFF ALL CDS” the dusty words said, in a manic scrawl. “EVERYTHING MUST GO!” Frankie backed away in horror. What was a CD?!
How Many of My Fellow Leaves Must Die Before You Wake Up to the Atrocity of Fall?
Our ailing bodies fall from the sky into your front yard and all you can muster is an idle comment about the beauty of our chlorophyll jaundice.
The Orb in the Woods Kids
The orb seemed pretty observant, too, so no doubt everyone’s unique powers would shed new light on their natural strengths and underlying weaknesses.
The LeashFree® Pet Containment System is a Clear Violation of the Geneva Convention, Jeff
Listen to the language, Jeff. “Designated area,” ”gentle correction.” Is this our backyard or is this Auschwitz?
Hello, I’m the Witch in Your Hall Closet
Finally, I'll have sated my 200-year-old appetite, fulfilled a centuries-old curse, and your family's financial situation will stabilize.
The White House of Horrors: Release and Waiver of Liability and Risk Assumption Agreement
You assume liability for certain risks including overcooked steak, delusions of grandeur, eerily dwindling base support, and airborne spray tan.
Gift Ideas to Help Republican Grandparents Bribe Their Grandkids into Not Hating Them for Dooming Humanity
A skateboard is cool. No need for safety gear, either. You obviously don’t give a shit what happens to your grandkids, so a helmet would be confusing.
H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases
Sun Lamp for Seasonal Affective Disorder, One Star: I returned this lamp to Amazon. With luck it will sleep eternally in the depths of their warehouses.