Armie Hammer’s Rehab Clinic for Actors Who Had to Dance on Film Once
My therapy center is called "Hammer Out Your Dance Demons," and is funded exclusively by me and by none of my family’s $200+ million fortune.
Tag: Horror
How to Give a Stool Sample with Only 4-6 Emotional Breakdowns in 50 Easy Steps
28. Accidentally get poo on your fingers. 29. Question how humankind can get a person on the moon but can’t develop a less primitive way to procure stool samples.
An Asshole Tries to Fight a Fire
The jar banged off the window and now burning, fancy French grease is everywhere! Thank you Vicky! Thank you so much for closing all the windows!
Yoga Helped Me Stop Fantasizing About Becoming a Worm and Nesting Inside Jeff’s Ear
VeganBeauty1998 Nation, never stop smiling, even when your mind twists your need for intimacy into reveries about lodging yourself into Jeff's ear.
Your Boyfriend Wandered Off in Target! Find Him Before It Closes
20 registers, all manned by 20 identical managers. They turn all at once and, eyes glowing yellow, sing “Derrick’s not here! Derrick’s not here!”
Addressing the Allegations That I Left the Sleepover Early Because I was Afraid of the Movie
Why, if I supposedly love my mom so much, did I tell everyone, "My mom is making me come home because I have a stomachache, I hate her so much"?
Weapons of Mass Instruction for Everyone in Every School
Who's in favor of ending "gun-free zones" and replacing them with "free gun zones"? The answer to every question in America is "more."
What Am I Supposed to Do with a Ventriloquist Dummy That’s NOT Haunted?
After buying a creepy antique doll, I was extremely disappointed to find out that there is nothing supernatural lurking behind its dead eyes.
Four Miraculous Tales of Survival by Young Children in Peril
Relying solely on their wits and instincts, these brave kids overcame incredible odds to survive life-threatening situations.
The Top Ten “The Only Black Dude” Black Dudes in Movies
Celebrating the memory of those black guys who went it alone, fighting against oppression, while also fighting werewolf cops or whatever.
I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate
Bureaucrats will waste zero time before pointing fingers and disrespecting the men, women, and children I'm about to systematically mow down.
Atoms are the Worst and I Wish I Wasn’t Made of Them
My problem is atoms. I don't like 'em, I don't wanna have anything to do with 'em, and I definitely don't wanna be made out of them.