It’s Totally Fine That He Didn’t Text Me Back
Alright, let me check my phone. No response? That’s completely cool. I’ll just play with my dog for a little bit.
Alright, let me check my phone. No response? That’s completely cool. I’ll just play with my dog for a little bit.
When your body dies, want your mind to stay alive? Sure, you do! With HAUNTED LIVING, LLC implant your ghost in any solid object.
Despite my best efforts to educate the public, the Flat Earth Reddit page has doomed me to roam this very large and very round earth until the end of time.
Did no one in art school for the past two centuries take any notes in their Michelangelo class? They still spend a semester on me, right?
I climbed in the window of that cottage over there and the lady inside screamed. I don't know why. There were no ghosts in there. I checked.
Eternity. Did you catch that? That’s two months times infinity. Let that rattle around in your thick skull for a moment.
It wasn’t my intention to shout “HOLY HELL MOTHER OF GOD LEAVE ME BE YOU WICKED BEAST!” as you went over our Planned vs. Actual.
We were thrilled to see that Peepaw had seized the opportunity for a new lease on life, by using the shiny, porcelain figurine "Pete Buttigieg."
Marilyn Brewster was surrounded by loved ones including her beautiful, perfect daughter Deborah who I could make so happy if she’d return my calls.
"That resembles nothing of a telephone, and I should know, I once lost a beloved terrier to Alexander Graham Bell in an ill-advised wager."
If I see an unattended Mason jar, you’re goddamn right that I’m filling it with marbles, lemon slices, and a few artistically disheveled wheat stems.
I caught him watching old episodes of Scooby-Doo and scribbling in a notebook. He was mumbling things like, “Oooh, that’s a good one to plagiarize.”