Just Caught My Son Crandley YouTubing BMX on a School Night
Some nights I lie awake, wondering, is my son a nancy ass? Now, I fear the worst?: that he harbors dreams of a future in social work.
Tag: Children
There is No Santa: A Retraction to “Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus”
Indeed there is no Santa Claus, and we can definitively say it would be impossible for one man to visit all the children in the world in one night.
I’m Totally Against Abortion, Except in Cases of Ugly Women
We all know abortion is wrong. Bad. But sometimes the mother is so disgusting and fat from being pregnant, we really don't want that baby.
I’m Positive My Origin Story Means I’m Going to Be a Wizard Anytime Now
The postage wouldn’t stop coming and my uncle moved us into a motel, but the wizarding world still found me.
5 Reasons Why I Will Continue to Give All I Have Coaching Water Polo to Youth
I stay up nights worried that my boys will not strive to be anything more than the chairman of the board of directors for a Fortune 500 trans-Atlantic conglomerate.
My Kid Has Usurped My Wife’s Breasts
I love Gabe. He's half me. And I’m sure that fact has something to do with his literal clinginess to Kristina's quadruple-D, turn-to-see milk-pillows.
What Your Favorite Children’s Book Characters Are Up To Now
When the Magic School Bus Program was canceled due to budget cuts, Ms. Frizzle took the opportunity to retire.
The Real Reason Trump Won Was Because Betsy Miller Turned Me Down in the Sixth Grade, and Don’t Let Anybody Tell You Otherwise
I've cracked the case wide open. It all traces back to the 1998 Tropical Para-Dance at Windy Meadow Middle School.
Revocation of Parental Rights to Custody of Archival Images and History
Mom, Dad, this is your official notice that you are no longer in charge of my childhood photos and videos. Please turn them over immediately.
Kids These Days: Can We Go Back to Non-Murdery Anger and Revenge Techniques?
Kids need to learn that the old school tactics of not killing a person, but killing their will to live, is much safer and rewarding.
5 Weekend Woodworking Projects for a Medieval Father and Son
There's no better way to impress on a young boy the timeless lesson of impermanence than the gallows. Then move on to a ballista or siege tower!
Study Shows Toddler Misbehavior Designed to Prepare Parents for Zombie Apocalypse
A study of 200,000 toddlers, conducted by scientists at Barnard College over 15 years, has determined that toddlers misbehave to prep their parents for doomsday scenarios.