I’m a Ghost Applying to Your Recently Posted Haunting Position
I'm a haunting and possessions professional with more than 125 years of experience facilitating jump scares, fever dreams, and thumps in the night.
Tag: Corporate
Will You Risk Your Life to Protect Our Company’s Cybersecurity?
Good. Don’t click the link. Now, a wild badger climbs through the break room window and makes a beeline for your unguarded computer.
FAQs for the Company Reply-All Email Thread
Q: I don't seem to be getting any other emails besides the reply-all thread. Can you fix that? A: Great question! Again, sorry, but no.
Updates to Your Employee Benefits Package
Our previous policy of zero in-office hawk attacks has been slightly adjusted to a new policy of many hawk attacks.
We Are Unceremoniously Laying Off a Big-Ass Chunk of the Company
I myself voraciously advocated for firings to appease investors after guaranteeing that quarterly revenue would increase by “infinity” dollars.
We Just Want You to Know, We Applaud You
We applaud you for giving us something to do with our hands other than ball them up or masturbate.
Earnings Call from Little Timmy’s Lemonade Stand
Setting up this stand in my backyard all those days ago, I never imagined the places we would go; we are now in the front yard.
Why I, D-List Hollywood Actor, Should Be the Keynote Speaker for Your Tech Conference
Instead of giving your employees bonuses, wouldn't it be better to hire me to list off my Wikipedia page for an hour?
I Fully Intend to Boycott Amazon Just as Soon as I Buy This Thing for My Newborn
I’m gonna order the Chomperoo 3-in-1 Soother Chewer through the Amazon app real quick and then Jeffrey “watch me burn money as literal rocket fuel” Bezos can take a hike!
In the Metaverse, You Can Do Anything! Except Stop Being Depressed
Changing what you look like on the outside won’t change how you feel on the inside, but it’s still a ton of fun to adjust your avatar’s clothes.
Would You Like to Make a Charitable Donation to Our Payroll Fund?
Here in Human Resources, we are consistently e-applauding each and every one of our hard-working, self-sacrificing rockstars.
Translation Guide for Our Company’s Return Policy
"Print out a prepaid shipping label." We’re aware there’s no logical reason for a partly-employed 24-year-old to have a printer.