>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
February 6, 2005
Welcome to Rebello's Super Bowl Preview Show. I'm Rebello. With the big game only a few minutes/hours/days away (depending on your dedication as a reader), I deemed it my duty as a journalist to give you a heads-up preview of the Patriots-Eagles Super Bowl bash in Jacksonville. Naturally, Court's too cheap to actually send me to Jacksonville (he sent me a Florida placemat instead), but location has never stopped me.
A few noteworthy items before my pick.
1. I used to love Terrell Owens. But a few things in the past months have given me a change of opinion. First of all, God didn't heal shit. Second, the guy you called a gay rat is dating a Playboy model. Third, even if you do play, you're not going to be a factor. And fourth, go fuck yourself. You're not that good. You're no Marvin Harrison, and the Pats just decimated him three weeks ago.
2. Apparently, Jacksonville sucks. Every sportswriter has devoted at least three 700-word columns this week to destroying this city, claiming it has no right to run a Super Bowl, and their lives have been horribly inconvenienced by all of this. I just feel terrible for these guys being paid good money and given free tickets to chill in Florida for a week. My heart really goes out to you. Hold on, I have to go shovel the snow out of my asshole.
3. Halftime performance. In order to ensure Janet Jackson's nipnip doesn't make another three-second cameo, the NFL has opted for Paul McCartney instead. To quote J.A. Adande, “What is this, Super Bowl I?” My bright idea, take two bands from the areas in the Super Bowl, and let them perform. For this particular game, the Dropkick Murphys and the Fresh Prince. Is Will Smith all that busy? That movie “Hitch” looks like crap, and last I checked, the script for “MIB3” is still on the shelf at SEQUELS FROM HELL PRODUCTION STUDIOS.
4. Will there be rioting in New England? I don't know, but I got my looting hat just in case.
5. My pick: Tough one here, we got a dynastic, talented, deep, clutch team that's well-coached and been here before versus two arrogant receivers, one of which isn't even technically a starter, a QB who's made a career of choking in the big game, a coach who looks like Trieger from “Friends”, and an entire city of out-of work, stinky cocksuckers behind them.
Seriously, Philly, shut the fuck up. Nobody likes you, and stop comparing yourselves to Boston because of your so-called curse. Waiting 40 years for a Super Bowl is not a fucking curse. Waiting 86 years for a World Series when you should have had it at least three times is fucked up. And while we're at it, steak and cheese is overrated. Everyone knows steak and mushroom is the ultimate sandwich. Cheese? Who does cheese anymore? Oh, and the Liberty Bell? Gay. How about the Freedom Trail, Bunker Hill, the Sam Adams brewery. I just can't wait to watch all these losers crying at 11 p.m. on Sunday night. Actually, it'll probably be earlier than that. This fucker's gonna be over by halftime.
Rebello's Prediction: Patriots 77, Eagles 3. (Keep in mind, I'm slightly biased.)