>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
August 11, 2004

Dear Nicole,

I took this girl out after we had been hanging out for a week. She got super drunk and then peed all over herself…and then got in my car and either got pee all over the seat or peed again after she got in my car…either way the car seat was soaked…(don't worry, they aren't leather seats). There's not really a protocol in the “guy handbook” on how to handle this situation. She doesn't remember this happening, or at least pretends like she doesn't (girls are sneaky like that). So my question is, what do I say to her? And how can I avoid this situation in the future?

-Stephen
 

Dear Stephen,

Sadly, due to the excessive funds wasted on AIDS and cancer research, science has not yet engineered an upholstery cleaner powerful enough to redeem the seat of your car. If I were you, I’d be…pissed. To avoid a repeat of this situation, you need to either 1) Stop dating bimbos, or 2) Buy yourself a sturdy tarp.

Sincerely,
Nicole
 

 

Dear Nicole,

My best friend and I had a one night stand. I felt weird DURING it because we've been friends for 10 years. But I got over it. He felt weird AFTERWARDS and didn't get over it. He said that we should wait until he's out of the Navy, which will be in four years, more if he can become a Navy Seal. And then he has to finish college. He's been caught up in work and possibly avoiding me. He said if he were avoiding me he wouldn't talk to me at all. He knows I love him with all my heart, but says he's too numb and emotionally fucked up to date anyone. I know that he has problems with depression, so do I for that matter. But my question is, do you think he was serious about us getting together in the future?

-GLS

 
Dear GLS,

Nah.

Sincerely,
Nicole

 

Dear Nicole,

What’s the secret to dieting success?

-Gabby

 
Dear Gabby,

Glad you asked! It just so happens that I have come up with a new weight loss plan that’s guaranteed to help you drop those unsightly pounds and inches. In my travels, but mostly on the Discovery Channel, I have noticed that whales are the largest, fattest mammals on the planet. Whales subsist primarily on a diet of krill. Therefore, it stands to reason that adopting a healthy, krill-free lifestyle is the key to healthy and permanent weight loss. Caution: Always consult your physician before beginning any diet that strictly limits your daily invertebrate consumption.

Sincerely,
Nicole
 

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