(Written under the character of an aspiring female porn star)

Hello Mother, Hello Father!

I'm sorry to interrupt our wonderful family board game night, a family tradition going back every Wednesday as long as I can remember. Might I add, you made an absolutely decadent feast for us to eat tonight, Mother. I love you more than anyone else in the world, except maybe you, Father! And Rover!

If you will permit me, I have some fantastic news to share with you all: I have decided to pursue adult film acting. I'm going to be a porn star!

Courtney Fuxxx is my new porn name. If you could please address me as such, that would be appreciated.Oh, I knew you'd react this way! You guys have always been so understanding and supportive! Always so encouraging and positive! I couldn't ask for a better home life. You always told me I could be anything I wanted, and now I am! My first choice in life was to be a snuff film star.

And now I will follow my dreams. I will reach for the stars, like you always told me I could, and should do.

I don't know what I'll do with all the money quite yet. There's this charity in L.A. that feeds blind disabled orphan war veteran dogs and cats who survived abortions. Of course I'll be sure to come back and buy you guys anything you need! I want you two to have everything you want, just as you gave me everything I wanted while I was growing up. And I'll send back copies of all my films for you to watch. Let me know what you think of them!

I hope you become my biggest fans, Mom and Dad. You can already see my new film "Courtney Fuxxx is a Fuck Pig." Courtney Fuxxx is my new porn name. If you could please address me as such, that would be appreciated. I also did a gig for this site called BangBus.com. It's this site where these guys go around in a van and pick up girls and then facefuck them and have sex with them and do whatever else gets them off—oh, Dad, you're familiar with this site? Good, good.

Well, I must be going now. My new friend Igor is picking me up in a little bit. He said we're going to be chasing the dragon tonight. I don't know what the means, but it sounds fun! He and his friends are also going to "piledrive" me and give me cream pies. Sounds delish!

Mom. Dad. I'm going to miss you so much! Thank you for your blessing and your approval of my venture into erotica. Yes, yes, God will be with me indeed, Mother. And I shall be with God. I will make sure to attend church at least once a week and I will pray before and after every one of my scenes, and sometimes during. I'll be sure to stay in contact with you guys. I'll call you every day! I love you!

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