>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
January 19, 2005

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Masturbating Boys Shake Things Up

By Riot Hlatshwayo and Glacier Nkhwashu

TZANEEN – Sexily-dressed women in a small Limpopo town have fallen prey to a group of teenage street kids that masturbate in public whenever they see them.

Do I even have to make a jokey comment on THAT sentence?? *Editor shakes his head yes, then cocks his gun*

One woman, 24-year-old Gloria Shingange, had an embarrassing moment on Thursday when the boys drooled over her at the Tzaneen Mall because she was wearing a mini-skirt.

Then their boy's drooled if you know what i mean. I mean jizz. I mean their boys are their cocks.

“They followed me around the mall with their hands inside their trousers. I walked out of the mall and when I stopped at the robot next to the Tzaneen police station they shouted saying I was attractive,” Shingage said.

Please. Girls always think that guys are hitting on them just 'cause they “follow them around:

She said the boys took out their penises and started masturbating in full view of everyone while groaning in ecstasy.

Okay, MAYBE they found her attractive. But I still say that this was a very subtle act that could have been misconstrued many ways.

Cops just laughed

And masturbated.

“One of them said my legs were sexy. He then closed his eyes, grimaced and shouted at the top of his voice in apparent enjoyment of what he was doing,” said Shingange.

I know, I'm as shocked as you guys. How could this kid get off while walking right? It's pretty absurd, believe you me.

“He held up his penis for everyone to see and started masturbating,” she added.

Held it up? Like over his head? Whatta you mean HELD IT UP FOR EVERYBODY TO SEE? This isn't a golden statue, it's a penis for crying out loud.

“I was very embarrassed. They stopped traffic and all eyes were on me.”

Really? I would think they'd be looking at the kid jerking it in the middle of the street, but I guess not right? Attention whore.

Shingange's embarrassment was however not going to end there.

SHE ALSO HAD A SMUDGE ON HER FACE.

The incident sent police officers at the Tzaneen station into stitches as she tried to open a case of public indecency.

“You're going to have to do a lot worse then several masturbating boys! THIS IS TZANEEN BABY! WE INVENTED THAT SHIT!”

The police allegedly refused to open a case, claiming that the street kids didn't commit any offence because they didn't touch her.

Although several cumshots did reach her back. To be frank.

“They told me straight in the face that they were not taking my complaint because I wasn't raped,” said Shingange.

“Then they jerked off as I left the police station.”

Mopani police spokesperson Superintendent Moatshe Ngoepe said he wasn't aware of the matter.

“Sorry I was in the bathroom. What happa?”

“This is an act of public indecency and cannot be tolerated,” Ngoepe said.

“Except by our police.”

Some people however have a different view.

Really? Not all human beings agree with Ngoepe? That's fascinating. Lemme read more.

Vegetable vendor Mthavini Khoza said she condoned the boys' action.

Carrots and rape. That's all these vegetable vendors know, carrots and rape.

“These boys are doing the right thing because their actions are likely to reduce the tendencies of wearing 3cm (sic) skirts in public and embarrass every woman,” she said.

Good call “incredibly backwards morals” man. Hey aren't you the super hero who said the Jews had what was comin' to them during World War II?

“I wish they rape them one day so they may start respecting their bodies,” Khoza said.

“That being said…tomatoes, 5 dollars. Celery…. Lettuce anybody? Lettuce?”

One of the boys, a 14-year-old whose name cannot be revealed because of his age, had no qualms to speak about the incident.

Really? He wasn't very SHY about talking about masturbating in public?

“I feel very happy after masturbating next to a woman with beautiful legs and wearing see-through clothes,” the boy said.

“Also, what is “the Internet?” “

“There is no girl out there who wants a filthy glue-sniffing street kid so the only way to relieve our sexual appetite is to masturbate,” he explained.

“In front of her, in the company of our fine police force,” he continued.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.