>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
January 17, 2005

Peyton Manning sucks.

I watch an unhealthy amount of sports and sports television, and it seems like every football-related show this season spent at least one segment every day licking this guy's balls. For those who don't know, Peyton Manning is a some dumb hick who was terrific in college, came to the pros, sucked, got decent, bitched, sucked, got good, got outrageously over-hyped, sucked, and bitched. That's pretty much his career arc. I can't remember the last athlete who got so much undue attention for being so average.

That would be like the dean of my college being all “Justin got a 2.7 GPA! Throw him a goddamn parade! Everyone wash Justin's balls. He's got a 2.7 GPA!” Is this the new American way? Whatever happened to praising the best? Derek Jeter's a rampant poonbag, but at least he has four rings, always hits in the clutch, and has captured the hearts of New Yorkers, which isn't saying much seeing as they voted Hillary Clinton into Senate. Still, at least he's done something.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'll say that I'm a hardcore Patriots fan. Ever since Peyton joined the league, the Pats have specialized in whopping his monkey ass every chance they get. It's amazing. Even when the Pats sucked, they still cold-cocked the Colts on a regular basis, and Peyton Manning always played with the composure of Michael J. Fox holding a tray of wine glasses.

Last season, the Pats bitchslapped him 24-14 in the AFC title game, picking his dumb ass off four times in the process. Instead of simply admitting that he played like shit, and can't win in the clutch against a tough team on the road, he bitched and moaned that the Pats were too rough on his receivers, and demanded the rules be changed. What a douche. Isn't that awful? It's like that one buddy who will only play a sports video game as the same team every time. When that happens, I make the kid wear a helmet, just so everyone knows what a fag he is.

And anyways, football is supposed to be rough. It's a sport. America's becoming way too pussbaggish (SAT word). First, they tweak the rules so you can't even breathe on a receiver without getting a fine. Second, they got rid of hockey because hockey is way too badass for the American public. Instead, everyone pimps the NBA. The NBA blows. Christopher Reeve could play in the NBA, and he's paralyzed. And dead. He's still tougher than Kobe.

So the next year, with the new wuss rules in place, Peyton sets an NFL record with 49 touchdowns, a record previously held by Dan Marino, another overblown dumbshit QB who reacted to pressure like the hysterical lady from “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.” Fuck Dan Marino in the ass with a wooden dick, then break it off and give him splinters. Why am I not impressed with Peyton's record? Glad you asked.

A. He had the new wuss rules. Put it this way, a bubble boy could have thrown for 30 TD's in this new NFL. I don't know if that's true, but I bet the Dolphins management has already been scouring for bubble boys.

B. The Colts defense blows. What does that mean? Well, I trust all the non-football fans have left by now, so I'll tell you. The defense constantly gets scored on, and quickly, hence putting Peyton and the Wimpy Whiny Funboys on the field all the live long day.

C. Everyone's intimidated by Peyton, because the national media spend every bleeding minute of airtime polishing his balls. Just watch how the Patriots play against him. On a side note, on my weekly call home, my mom made the mistake of asking me if I watched the game. I went into this ten minute spiel of how Belichick gave some great looks at Peyton switching in and out of the 3-4 and 4-3, how they beat them in the zone, and threw off his timing. Needless to say, she quickly added: “Umm, so how are classes?”

D. Peyton's from the South. Need I say more?

So Peyton's record sucks balls. You know what record impresses me? The Pats winning 21 straight, or rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger winning 15 straight to start his career, or my 84-second piss that I took the other day. That's impressive. Great players lift their teammates to a higher place.

I'll give you an example. In the early nineties, the Bruins had a player named Cam Neely, who I will forever refer to in this column as The Immortal Cam Neely. On his line, he had a player named Rick Middleton. Rick Middleton was a stiff to end all stiffs. You've seen more athletic ability in a stapler. Anyway, Middleton became a big star on the team because Neely always played with him, took the double team on defense, and was a such a general badass that Middleton had to elevate his game just to not look like an ass clown out there. That's the sort of thing you see out of someone like Tom Brady, the best QB in football. Brady has never lost a playoff game, because he raises his game when it matters, not like Manning who can torch a sad-sack Texans defense for 5 TD's, but not score a single one in a big playoff game.

So anyway, all bloody week I was hearing about how the Pats couldn't possibly stop the Colts because they were able to manhandle a shitass Denver team last week. Because the Colts having to play outdoors in inclement weather in New England against a brilliant coach, a sensational QB, a top-notching running back, the most opportunistic defense in the game, a team that hasn't lost at home in two years, and went 31-4 in the last two seasons doesn't matter worth shit. Everyone said the Colts would win because Peyton Manning is invincible. Well, guess what? The Pats won 20-3. It wasn't even close. The great Peyton Manning didn't score touchdown number one. So, in your face ESPN. In your face national media. In your face non-New England football fans who polish this guy's balls.

Peyton Manning is a self-absorbed hick douchebag, and I hope he dies in a car fire.

(By the way, I should have mentioned this earlier, but if you were hoping to enjoy my column, and don't like sports, well….tough nuggets, sunshine.)