>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
January 1, 2006
Welcome to the first annual Dumbshit of the Year. Before I announce this year’s winner, let’s make our way through some thoroughly deserving dishonorable mentions (in ascending order of dumbshittedness).
*The Canadian. Seriously, what the hell happened to this kid?
*Katie Holmes. I miss her. And her boobs.
*Paul Maguire-Mike Patrick-Joe Theissman. Honestly, thank God NBC is taking over and I don’t have to deal with this onslaught of jackoffitude every Sunday. These guys make Daisy Does America seem like a legit TiVo destination.
*People who still use iMacs. Seriously, it’s over. Move on.
*Kanye West. How dare he question George Bush’s devotion to negroes. Bush loves negroes. Seriously though, Bush has already managed to ignore the poor, the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, Democrats, anything even remotely liberal, gays, the film industry, and good taste. Blacks should be thrilled they made it as far as they did. And yes, it has gotten hot in here.
*The Jews. If I have to listen to any more bullshit about Christmas’ monopoly over the holidays, I’m going to buy a “GO PALESTINE” t-shirt. Seriously, this has got to stop. Christmas trees are Christmas trees. Not “holiday spruces.” This is really irritating. And I’m part Jewish!
*Johnny Damon. Hey, give credit to the Yankees. I mean, anytime you can throw $52 million at a 31-year-old guy with a gimpy arm, a bad shoulder, overrated speed, and disjointed pop, I mean, you have to make that deal.
*George Lucas. How do you screw up the most compelling chapter of a woefully overrated trilogy/series? The dialogue in that movie was atrocious, and you made Natalie Portman look like a bad actress. She’s not. See Beautiful Girls for proof.
*The Indianapolis Colts. Christ. Enough. They’re overrated. Yay, they went 13-0 against a candy schedule. And yes, they were able to beat a Patriots team without any secondary. Good for them. I can’t wait for this team to get fucked in January. Seriously, they’re closing in on the Yankees as my least favorite team. And no, I don’t even feel bad for Tony Dungy, so don’t bother asking.
*The producers of Brokeback Mountain. No, I haven’t seen the movie, but I’m tired of being subjected to the following dialogue.
Overly Liberal Pile of Dogshit: Hey have you seen “Brokeback Mountain?”
Overly Liberal Pile of Dogshit: Do you want to see it?
Me: Not terribly.
Overly Liberal Pile of Dogshit: Why? Afraid you’ll see something you like? God, you’re so homophobic.
I don’t want to see it because I’m not big on those lameass ranch love stories. I haven’t seen Cold Mountain either. Or that horseshit WB series. Or it could be ABC Family. Shit I don’t know. And furthermore, you know what, I don’t want to drop nine bucks to watch two dudes do a naked tussle. When I go to the movies, I like to enjoy myself, not watch 120 minutes of buttfucking. Thanks but no thanks.
*Notice I’ve conveniently left Terrell Owens off this list, and here’s why: In a league where players beat their wives, neglect their kids, cheat, steal, and inflict violence, why are we suddenly playing holier-than-thou with some guy because he’s a dick to a few teammates? Jamal Lewis went to jail for drug trafficking—DRUG TRAFFICKING—and nobody raises an eyebrow. (In fact, if you listen to ESPN’s aforementioned dream team, you’d think he was some kind of hero for surviving prison and returning to his multi-million dollar job.) Terrell Owens is not the problem. He’s not the solution (in fact he’s kind of a douchebag), but not the problem.
And now, for my 2005 DUMBSHIT OF THE YEAR…
And the winner is: SCOOP JACKSON!
Oh how I loathe Scoop. For those not in the know, Scoop was introduced to ESPN.com this year as a new Page 2 writer. He’s a lot like Bill Simmons, but without proper English. And the white. And the good.
Scoop’s idea of a column is to find a current topic in sports—preferably in the NBA, since that’s the only league anybody watches—find something even remotely racist, and run it into the ground with cool hip-hop lingo that only he understands. When he referred to Chicago as “the Crilla” in his second column, I asked two Chicagoans and two black dudes if they knew what “Crilla” meant. All four of them looked at me like I just asked them if they wanted to have a three-way with those two fat broads on the Food Network.
Scoop came to ESPN from the illustrious Slam! Magazine, which, in terms of worldwide readership, makes Points in Case look like the King James Bible. He also owns a lot of sneakers, which I guess is important.
Scoop has never said a negative word about any black guy, including, are you ready? Ron Artest. Yup, Scoop wrote an entire column praising the NBA’s resident psychopath.
He also playa-hated all those people who could care less about the Chicago White Sox winning the World Series, but is all aboard the bandwagon for not caring about the New England Patriots because they don’t have any stars.
To be fair, I haven’t liked this guy from the start. I remember seeing his dwarfish facade on ESPN.com, as if they had somehow reigned in the next Grantland Rice. I decided to give him a chance and read his “Scoop Manifesto” presented here for your pleasure (it helps to have a background knowledge of sports for those who hate following hyperlinks).
What pissed me off the most? You guessed it. This line:
“I believe the New England Patriots stopped believing in themselves and won their last Super Bowl.”
Keep in mind he said this only a couple short months after Tedy Bruschi nearly died of a stroke. But I guess it doesn’t matter because Bruschi is white. And you may wonder what one has to do with the other. Well, if someone wrote a disparaging piece about the Indy Colts right now, Scoop would throw a shit fit, praising Lord Dungy and neatly forgetting his tendency to choke in the big game. (And yes, I’ll be more than happy to write a disparaging piece about the Colts, just give me a deadline.)
So there you have it, the 2005 Dumbshit of the Year, a blatant racist and a lousy writer (stop smirking). Oh yeah, and in case you’re wondering, I’m applying to ESPN.com in the next couple of weeks and have every intention of using this as my writing sample.